Gasping For Air

School started Aug 27, Monday. I plunged into it, Baby Z in tow.

Day 1 - we survived. By afternoon I was completely drained and speechless (literally). However, I'm still sane and functioning. Alhamdulillah.

Day 2 - we survived. By afternoon I was drained and speechless and experiencing the mild symptoms of burnout. Alhamdulillah, I regained my normalcy by night time when hubby brought Baby Z to the basketball court and I had some alone time to recuperate in.

On Day 1 & 2, the kids were ready well before I was. They were that excited to start school! Everything went as it did last year, that is, until Baby Z started crying. Instead of kicking and eating from the inside, he kicked, gurgled, cooed and nursed outside. At times, my right hand was not available to mark the kids' worksheets. At times, three kids were surrounding me waiting for my attention to answer some of their questions.

I have to say though, that looking at Baby Z does help me think of the bigger picture. Sometimes he would be sucking vigorously, and at other times he would pause to listen to the lessons being taught to his three siblings by me. Then sometimes he would flash one of his bright exuberant smiles. Really makes my day.

I started Glenn Doman reading cards with him. Everytime I do it, he smiles and coos. That is what I call rewarding alhamdulillah.

Today is Day 3. Sometimes, especially yesterday, I feel on the verge of tears as I realized that my milk was decreasing. Most times I miss breakfast and especially when school is on, in rushing to make sure all kids do the lessons of the day, I do miss breakfasts and a lot of other stuff too. I cooked after fajr and then dashed upstairs to teach them, and only came back down again for lunch.

It gets really challenging when kids play around and don't do their work, as I have to shout at them from either downstairs while nursing Baby Z or from my room, and sometimes when Z is sleepinng and they're playing around, I have to try and put Z down to sleep the best I can and close the door quietly before going after those noise makers. There is only one of me and four of them. I can't be in two places at once.

This is hard, but I'm still hopeful. May Allah make it easy. Ameen.

I have to admit, I'm so ready to throw in the towel today though.