It's difficult being a parent

Hubby and I have been trying to coax H to resume going to the masjid for the hifdh with AM, but he's been consistently refusing. Today, we went from one store to the next, looking for shoes for S to wear for her horse-riding lesson that will commence on Tuesday, next week inshaallah.

We ended up at Kohl's.

Of course, being me, I fretted about his firm refusal to go.

"So you're going tonight to AM, right H?"

He shook his head.

"No."

"Why?"

Let's just say it took quite some prodding to get to the core of the issue.

"You don't like going to the masjid?"

"No, it's so long!"

"You mean from Maghrib to Isha?"

He nodded.

"AM used to have free time, but not anymore."

It dawned on hubby then, what the issue was.

Apparently, before this, when H used to enjoy and look forward to going to the masjid, AM used to give them regular breaks where they could play, but not anymore.

We mulled over it, and I was reminded of the lecture I heard about parenting where you have to have positive association with acts of ibadah for children, so they will always look forward to it. In H's case, the positive association is gone. As a result, he no longer wants to go to the masjid.

Hubby said he will talk to AM about it, and as we went home, he said,

"No wonder there are not that many kids now coming to the masjid."

I had asked H, when he revealed the true reason he didn't want to go anymore,

"If AM gives you breaks like before, would you go?"

He nodded.

"You would do the Quran memorization and play?"

He nodded.

So it's not about memorizing the Quran, it's about 'just apples and no donuts'. Muhammad AlShareef uses this analogy of apples and donuts in dawah techniques, where apples refer to the hard core dawah issues (healthy) and donuts refer to the 'fun' stuff incorporated into any dawah event/activity. When it comes to attracting youths, the balance of apples and donuts is pretty important, especially today's generation.

I was worried that it was about Quran memorization, and felt a huge relief wash over me when I found out it wasn't. I have to say it felt pretty good to find out what the issue is.

Most times, parents don't take enough time to prod into matters pertaining to their children (well at least, in my experience) to find out why their children are acting up/refusing to do something. In Stephen's Covey 7 Habits, he talks about seeking to understand and then be understood. A lot of conflicts happen between parents and children when parents assume things about their children, thus not seeking to sincerely understand them. Subhanallah, we could have just forced him to go despite his adamant refusal. We could have dragged him to the masjid kicking and screaming. For all my unwise parenting moments, I can safely say that for this particular instance, inshaallah, Allah has guided me with some semblance of parental wisdom, Alhamdulillah!

Tonight he did go.

When the time came for them to go, hubby asked him,

"H, do you wanna go with the van, or the bike?"

H was playing downstairs at the time, not even ready to go to the masjid. I was trying to read as much as I could of a library book, and so I didn't look at him, but I sensed some hesitation. Alhamdulillah, he finally answered,

"Bicycle!"

When they came back, I asked him,

"So did you have fun at the masjid?"

He shook his head, but at least he wasn't sullen or physically rebelling about having to go.

That was one issue we had to deal with, alhamdulillah.

Another one came up while H and hubby were at the masjid. The kids are in the summer reading program, and today, they went to redeem their prizes, and it involved a dice. I suddenly felt uneasy about it as I was making wudhu' for Maghrib and I told the girls.

"I don't feel good about the dice today. Did you remember about the dice?"

"Yeah, I remember, but how are we going to get the bugs?"

Then, came the comment or remark that shook up my parenting world,

"It's difficult being a Muslim. You can't have tattoos, and dice."

Let me just say that I was speechless after that remark S made. Only Allah knows how much my heart felt like it was wrung out. Immediately I thought,

"Ya Allah! This is it! I'm going through what most Muslim parents go through!"

Earlier today even, as we drove through town, I was thinking to myself,

"The years ahead are probably going to be rough. The kids are growing, entering new stages, different and unfamiliar stages in their lives. I'm in for a bumpy ride."

H's issue with the masjid had triggered that train of thought in me, and S's remark just put an exclamation mark at the back of that caboose.

I gave a short response, consisting of

"That's because we're living in a kuffar country."

"Then when are we going to move to a better place?" asked N.

"I don't know. Make dua."

"I know it's difficult. It's difficult for adults too."

"No, it's more difficult for kids."

"Well, yes, but adults have a hard time too, you know. Abi could have gotten a job easily all this time and we could have been rich. There are banks and insurance companies telling him to come, but he refused because they're deep in riba'. If he had worked for them, we probably would have been rich and won't have the problem of staying here, but then, our dua might not be accepted because our source of money is haram, and whatever we eat is haram, nauzubillah. So it's difficult for adults too."

My dismay was beginning to make me angry, so I held my tongue, and stopped talking. My thoughts unraveled, and I thought of the best way to respond. I thought,

"I need to talk to them."

I didn't know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to talk to them about it, soon. I made dua that Allah give me wisdom to handle it, and for Allah to give them wisdom to bear this.

While S took her shower, I called N to my room while I nursed Baby Z.

"N, what S said just now, about how difficult it is to be a Muslim. Do you..."

I was lost for words. I had no plan, I didn't know what or how I was going to go about discussing it. I was jumping in blind.

"Agree?" she finished my sentence.

I nodded.

"Yeah."

"How is it difficult to be a Muslim?"

She prattled about some negative stuff, and it was as if a lightbulb lit up in my head,

Instead of asking her what's making it difficult, why not ask her what's fun about being a Muslim?

(Being proactive instead of reactive)

So I did. I turned the question to,

"Okay, what can you do and have you done that's fun, as a Muslim?"

It got the wheels turning, and before long, she was churning out our travels to Texas, Pennsylvania, Eid, cats, Baby Z, etc.

By the time she was done, I added to her list, and we concluded that

Hey, there are a lot of things that Muslims can do.

When we were done, I shooed her out, and hailed S.

"S, N and I were talking about the difficult being a Muslim, and we came up with...with what N?"

"A lot of cool stuff," replied N as she left the room.

So I did another 'session' with S. She listed Pennsylvania, cats, frogs, Baby Z, kissing him, hugging him, playing outside, reading, Muslim parties, eating, getting a flat tire, museums, petting animals, etc.

I did note that both mentioned our travels to Pennsylvania. Subhanallah, they seem to really cherish those trips to children's museums on our trip that happened only because of hubby's conference.

We also concluded that Muslims can do a lot of things, but with her, I added something extra.

"Even for adults, it's difficult. Some adults would say why is it that the kuffar have a good life, they live in mansions, and look at their country, so clean and modern, while Muslim countries are dirty and the people are rude, and poor. I had a friend who said that.."

"What did you tell her?" S interjected.

"I don't remember..." (I really don't remember!)

"But..basically, Allah has said in the Quran, if one asks for something good here on earth, he will get it, and if he doesn't ask for any good in the hereafter, he won't get anything. And which is more lasting? Here or the hereafter?"

I continued with moer analogies...

"You know, if you're thirsty, and you drink water because you're thirsty, and then let's say you're not thirsty, and you drink anyway. Which one feels better?"

"The first one," she said.

"So it's like that, if we live an enjoyable life here on earth, when we go to jannah, it might not....feel..."

"Worth it?"

"Yeah, kind of. But you know what I mean, right?"

"Because of that suffering, Allah will compensate us."

And I told her about the pricking of the thorn, of how our sins are erased for any pain we feel.

"I'm so scared of the punishment in the grave, that I think, oh, let me have a lot of pain now so I won't have any sins to be punished for in the grave."

"And here on earth, let's say you drink Cincau, for example, you drink it again, and it tastes the same, right? But in jannah, let's say you eat a fruit, the first time you eat it, it's SOOO good, and the second time you eat it, ahhh...the third time you eat it, it's even better! The fourth time you eat it, awesome! The fifth time you eat it, WHOA!"

S was giggling from all the expressions I manufactured with each bite of that fruit, and I joined her.

We really covered a lot during that talk, alhamdulillah.

I am reminded of what Sheikh Yaser Birjas said in the class Code of Scholars: Usul Al Fiqh last August. That we Muslims just have to be more creative and not feel restricted in not being able to do this and that. Instead we should focus on the halal things we are allowed to do. This is where we parents come in and provide these halal alternatives - part of our job description.

After we prayed Isha, N said,

"Ummi, let's hurt ourselves."

"Huh?"

"So we'll get rewarded and won't have any sins."

Aaahhh...this girl has been eavesdropping.

Too much

I made a mistake yesterday, which led to meltdown on my part, at the end of the day. After that promising 'outdoor Arabic', I was encouraged to do everything else that we had talked about. I should have been wise about it, and not try to do everything at once.

I was only supposed to handle N's Quran reading, with the tafseer, but since hubby hasn't been doing the reading with S and H, I did it with them, with tafseer. At the time, it wasn't overwhelming, but at the end of the day, the repeat of nursing Baby Z for one hour, only to have him fresh and alert at the end of the hour led to my outburst.

I felt like I was doing everything, and even that, I wasn't even handling the memorization bit of the Quran with the kids. Meltdown description? Well, let's just say I retreated to my air-conditioned room, under the covers, while Baby Z screamed his lungs off, S and H sulked over their quarrel (which combined with Baby Z's reluctance to sleep, eventually led to my frayed nerves being lighted up), and N took in everything in her own stride. Hubby came home from the masjid to Baby Z's wails, and thought the kids were playing with him.

"Don't play with Z anymore. Go to sleep!"

I guess, it was only until he noticed that I was missing did he realize that something was amiss.

"Is Ummi mad?" he asked the kids.

After brooding on this, I remembered this mistake I had once also done before; doing tafseer with all of them. I had told myself, to learn from that mistake, and only do tafseer with one of them, and have the others listen. I can still recall the difficulties of scheduling lessons with the kids when Baby Z was younger, because of his nursing schedule. I had tried nursing him while teaching the kids, but that had robbed him of his much needed sleep. So I moved to the room, nursing him there till he falls asleep, but he always takes an hour to nurse before falling asleep. I couldn't train him to fall asleep by himself because of his eczema and allergies. When he starts scratching, that's it, I'm back to square one.

I had told the kids,

"The Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wasallam said that the best deed is that done continuously even if little. So the best deed is not necessarily someone praying 20 rakaah at night, but only that one night, but maybe praying 2 rakaah each night, but every night."

I explained to them how the best deed is not one that is done the most, but one that is done with consistency, and further explained to them why I had cut down their Quran reading to half a page per person (except for S) instead of a full page (to save me from burnout and stopping it altogether).

"But you read many pages when you were small," said H, reminding me of what I had told them of my childhood Quran reading experiences.

My Ustaz wouldn't tell me how much I would be reading each time, but would just tell me to read until he felt it was enough.

"Yeah, I sure did."

I couldn't come up with any explanations or elaborations.

Now, thinking back, I could probably have said,

"But he wasn't doing everything. Right now, I am."

What was my part about?

I have been skimping on N's Quran lately. We're supposed to do the reading, checking tajweed, and tafsir Ibn Kathir for half a page after Asr or Maghrib, and do memorization with meaning and some Arabic keywords after Zuhr.

So, last Sunday, after Fajr, I felt unexpectedly fresh, and I told N to get the mushaf and read with me. The day before, I had asked her to get her mushaf while waiting for Rh to do her '20-minute wudhu' (Rh, if you're reading, this is dedicated for you ;)), but she dawdled, and we blew that slice in time. So since she didn't read on Friday and Saturday, I made sure we read that Sunday. And since S and H haven't been reading with their father, I read with them too.

We ended up sitting in our prayer garments, and H is in his thawb, for about 2 hours that morning!

N went first, reading half a page of her portion in Surah Al-A'raaf. Then H read his one page portion in Surah An-Nisaa'. S then read her one page portion in Surah Hud. I then proceeded to read the verses they read and do the tafsir of each portion.

While waiting for S and H to be done, N laid in bed with her prayer garment, and fell asleep. When I was going over her portion, she was still sleeping.

"N's sleeping!" said S.

"That's ok. Leave her," I said.

Since the kids wake up for Fajr now, and stay up for Isha', we have a sleep problem. These kids do not want to go back to sleep after Fajr, and recently when I asked why, they said,

"Because we usually do Quran after fajr."

"Yeah, and then by the time we're done, we're hungry."

"And germy-breathed," quipped H, flashing his artificial dimple.

So when N slept, I was somewhat relieved, for even with their daily two hour or so nap, they still don't have enough sleep.

By the time we were done, Baby Z had a really full diaper, was fidgety because he had been romping around the room ever since we prayed Fajr, getting no breastmilk or food, and the time was 8:30 a.m. N happened to wake up while I was doing the Tafsir on S's portion, on when a group of angels came to Prophet Ibrahim alahis salam and then Prophet Lut alahis salam.

After S took Baby Z downstairs to feed him, I told N,

"You missed your part, N. You slept."

"No, I didn't," she replied.

"Yes you did."

She was so sleepy she didn't even realize she had fallen asleep. I'm sure it was a sound quality sleep, inshaallah. I put away the Tafsir books on the table, and she came to me and asked,

"What was my part about?"

To be honest, after all the elaboration on the story of Prophet Lut alahis salam, I had forgotten about what hers was about, and I didn't expect her to actually ask me what she missed, subhanallah!

I looked it up.

"Oh, it was about how when nations after nations are thrown into the hellfire, the newer nation will blame the earlier nations for misleading them."

And she went downstairs, satisfied, catching up with what she had missed. When she finished surah Al An'aam and started on Al A'raaf, I told her,

"Oh, N, this surah is interesting. It tells about some people who will be sitting on a wall and are able to see both hell and jannah."

Ever since then, she has been excited to listen to the tafsir, though she has always had a fascination for listening to the meaning before. In a few more verses, we will come to that part of the Surah.

Now, whenever I do the Tafsir with N, I ask the others to come and sit and listen too. Doing it in small chunks each time, I think, helps prevent burn out.

However, as soon as I looked at the time when we were done, I said out loud,

"We have been sitting here for 2 hours! Will never do this again."

Even though it's good, it's a tad unrealistic for us to do this everyday, because at some point, Baby Z might not cooperate waiting to be bathed, fed, and nursed so long, and long sessions may very well lead to burn out to the speaker and the listeners. Short sessions, I have found, work better with kids, as they retain the material longer and better.

"Stop before they ask you to stop," is my motto for any lessons with the kids.

Correction to the previous post

Jazakillah khair Anis for making me read it again. I noticed a needed correction on my part. Here it is:

The fatwa says prizes for competition is not allowed in anything except archery, swimming, camel and horse races, because they are for the purposes of jihad.

Here is the ruling that I did not link to, it's pertaining to the permissibility of playing soccer. Allahu Aalim.

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Playing soccer is permissible subject to certain conditions.

1 – That it should not be for money, whether it is paid by the two teams, one of them or by a third party, because it is not permissible to give prizes except for competitions which help prepare one for jihad, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There should be no (money) prizes for competitions except archery competitions and races with camels and horses.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1700), al-Nasaa’i (3585), Abu Dawood (2575) and Ibn Maajah (2878); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.

Some scholars added to these three anything that helps in jihad and propagating Islam, such as competitions in knowledge of Qur’aan, hadeeth and fiqh, in which is permissible to offer prizes.

Therefore it is not permissible to give or take the prizes that are given to those who win soccer matches and tournaments between two or more teams, and they come under the heading of forbidden betting.

2 – The game should not be accompanied by anything haraam, such as uncovering the ‘awrah. The man’s ‘awrah is the area from the navel to the knee, and it is well known that most of those who play this game uncover their thighs, but this is haraam and is not permitted.

3 – The game should not lead to anything that is haraam, such as missing prayers, or missing Jumu’ah prayer or prayers in congregation. Unfortunately we say that many of those who play this game in clubs miss the prayers because of the matches. It is well known that delaying the prayer beyond its time with no excuse is a major sin, and it is narrated from a number of scholars that the one who does that deliberately is a kaafir, so we must be very careful.

This has to do with the game itself. But if there are tournaments on which money is spent and people are distracted by them, and waste time because of them, and they provoke factionalism and both Muslims and kaafirs, righteous and evildoers are glorified to the extent that a player becomes a role model for one’s sons and daughters, then this definitely should not be allowed, because among the ummah there are enough calamities, ignorance and backwardness to distract them from games on which millions of the people’s wealth are spent.

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The basic principle concerning such games and sports is that they are permissible if they serve an innocent purpose, as was referred to by Ibn al-Qayyim in his book al-Faroosiyyah and as was mentioned by Shaykh Taqiy al-Deen Ibn Taymiyah and others. If that is done as training for jihad and attack and retreat, or for physical fitness, or to ward off chronic diseases and strengthen the spirit, then it comes under the heading of permissible things, if the one who does it has a sound intention. In all cases it is essential that there be no harm caused to bodies or minds, and that it does not lead to the grudges and hatred that usually occur between players, and that it does not distract them from things that are more important, and that it does not prevent them from remembrance of Allaah (dhikr) or prayer.

But whoever thinks about these sports as they are played nowadays will find that they are involve evil things which dictate that they should be disallowed, in addition to the fact that it is in the nature of the game to create factionalism and stir up resentment and hatred between the victors and the losers, this team and that team, as is quite apparent. They are also accompanied by physical danger for the players as the result of collisions and fisticuffs. Games hardly ever end without one of them breaking a bone or being injured or losing consciousness. This is why ambulances are always present.

The games also continue during the times of prayer, which results in people not praying or offering the prayer late.

The players also uncover their ‘awrah, which is forbidden. The man’s ‘awrah is the area from the navel to the knee. But you will find that their clothes end at mid-thigh, and some of them are shorter than that. It is well known that the thigh is part of the ‘awrah because of the hadeeth: “Cover your thigh for the thigh is part of the ‘awrah.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2797) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani. And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to ‘Ali: “Do not uncover your thigh and do not look at the thigh of anyone, living or dead.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (4015). And Allaah knows best.

End quote from Fataawa al-Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem, vol. 8, question no. 1948.

And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Playing football nowadays is accompanied by reprehensible things which mean that playing it should be disallowed. These things may be summed up as follows:

1 – It is proven to us that play continues during the times of prayer, which results in the players and spectators missing prayers or prayers in congregation, or they delay performing prayers until the time for them is over. Undoubtedly any action that interferes with performance of prayers on time or leads to missing prayers in congregation with no valid shar’i excuse is haraam.

2 – The nature of this game leads to factionalism, stirring up fitnah and hatred. These results are the opposite of what Islam promotes of tolerance, friendship and brotherhood, and cleaning hearts and souls of hatred, resentment and grudges.

3 – The game involves physical danger for the players as a result of collisions and injuries. Usually the players do not end the game without some of them falling on the pitch unconscious or with broken arms or legs. Nothing is more indicative of that than the fact that there must always be an ambulance present throughout the game.

4 – The purpose behind allowing sports is to make people become physically active and to train them for fighting and to ward off chronic disease. But playing football nowadays has no such aim. As well as the things mentioned above, it is now also taking people’s money for false purposes, let alone the danger of physical injury and the generation of hatred in the hearts of players and spectators, and the stirring up of fitnah. It has even gone so far that some spectators attack some players, which could go as far as murder, as happened in a match a few months ago. This alone is sufficient reason to disallow it. And Allaah is the source of strength. End quote.

He also said:

If it is done in an organized manner [as in the clubs] it seems that it should be banned altogether, because people becomes deeply involved in it and that prevents people from remembering Allaah, and it more akin to gambling. They call it “sport” but it is just a game, and matters of jihad are not like this, and even if the players have some agility and nimbleness, they are not able to strive hard in any other field.

It also involves other things. Some of them offer prizes for it, and this is gambling. Islam does not allow prizes for anything except competitions which support the religion and strengthen one for that. If it strengthens Islam then it is permissible to engage in competitions. In the hadeeth it says: “There should be no (money) prizes for competitions except archery competitions and races with camels and horses.” And this applies by analogy with these three to anything that supports Islam. End quote. Question no. 1950.

He also said: As for one or two people playing with a ball in an unorganized fashion, there is nothing wrong with that, because it does not involve anything haraam. And Allaah knows best. End quote. Question no. 1949.

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Alhamdulillah though, I do not think hubby and H (inshaaallah) are doing all the haram things, but my reservations about the Midwest Games have more to do with the occasion itself. And just to make it clear, we are in no position to say something is haram or halal blatantly, for this is actually hanging a huge responsibility on our necks, astaghfirulah if I did or conveyed that in any way. I was just reading from Tafsir Ibn kathir to the kids after Maghrib from Surah Al A'raaf, from ayah 31-34.

31:

Muhsin Khan: O Children of Adam! Take your adornment (by wearing your clean clothes), while praying and going round (the Tawaf of ) the Ka'bah, and eat and drink but waste not by extravagance, certainly He (Allah) likes not Al-Musrifun (those who waste by extravagance).

32:

Muhsin Khan: Say (O Muhammad SAW): "Who has forbidden the adoration with clothes given by Allah, which He has produced for his slaves, and At-Taiyibat [all kinds of Halal (lawful) things] of food?" Say: "They are, in the life of this world, for those who believe, (and) exclusively for them (believers) on the Day of Resurrection (the disbelievers will not share them)." Thus We explain the Ayat (Islamic laws) in detail for people who have knowledge.

33:

Muhsin Khan: Say (O Muhammad SAW): "(But) the things that my Lord has indeed forbidden are Al­Fawahish (great evil sins, every kind of unlawful sexual intercourse, etc.) whether committed openly or secretly, sins (of all kinds), unrighteous oppression, joining partners (in worship) with Allah for which He has given no authority, and saying things about Allah of which you have no knowledge."

This chunk talks about Allah refuting what the Arabs said concerning making tawaf around the Kaabah naked. They claimed that Allah commanded them to do so, whereas Allah commanded us to wear the adornments He had created for us, Libas(covering the necessary areas) and Rish(extra for adornment).

I think, with regards to the soccer mentioned above, it refers to those who are fanatic about it. There is also one ruling where the scholar said to assess how much time we are devoting to it, compared to everything else. Allaahu Aalim.

Iman

"Why doesn't N read the Quran?"

S asked this morning, right after she was done reading the Quran with hubby. I was slumped against the bookshelf, still in my prayer garment, and N was prostrate with sleepiness on the floor.

I snapped.

"S, don't be like that. It's not a good trait to have. If you read the Quran you get reward from Allah. It's not a punishment. If N doesn't read it, she's the one who's losing. If you want her to read it because you want her to get the reward too, it's very good, but the way you keep asking is as if you read it, then everyone else has to read it too."

Believing in the ghaib. That's probably what's lacking. At this age, maybe they don't appreciate the fact that everytime they do a good deed, they get oodles of points, or maybe they should, and if they should, then it's me who is lacking in my responsibility of teaching them. (Now we know the solution, don't we? Sigh)

Baby Z has been on a biting rampage ever since he attained four pearly whites, and I have been the one suffering as a result. I don't remember being bitten so much with H, or the girls. On top of biting when he's done nursing, which is usually not done on purpose, he also buries his face in my lap and starts biting whatever flesh he can get between his top and bottom incisors. However, that doesn't bother me as much as him biting his source of milk.

My doctor's words kept playing in my head,

"I stopped nursing mine at 13 months because I was tired of being bitten. You don't have to feel like you have to breastfeed him longer you know."

Hubby was not too happy with that piece of unsolicited advice.

As I lay on my side, nursing him one day, I thought to myself,

"I have less than a year to go inshaallah. Oh Allah, please make him one of the righteous who will benefit the ummah."

Belief in the ghaib. That's what keeps us going.

The Struggle

"Why doesn't N read the Quran?"

I've been skimping on sleep lately, as I have to finish writing up two articles with a deadline, and am studying for the Chain of Command exam I am retaking, so I was horrendously groggy this morning after Fajr.

I had the kids take a Learning Style assessment from the book 'Discover Your Child's Learning Style', and for the question,

At what time of the day are you most tired , all the kids answered After Fajr.

This is no surprise to me, as I 've seen their grogginess, and I can attribute it to lack of sleep. Since the days are longer, and they all pray Fajr and Isha', they only have about 7 hours of sleep each night. We have them take napes nowadays because of that, but their naps only add about 2 hours to their total horus of sleep, which I believe is still not enough for children their age.

I asked N when she wants to read her Quran and do her surah memorization.

"After Fajr," she replied, with regards to the Quran.

"Are you sure?" I asked, recalling that she had answered 'After fajr' as her most unenergetic time of the day.

She nodded.

So for her, how is my complete responsibility now with regards to Quran, we settled on post Fajr and post Zuhr for her quran and memorization respectively. Hubby handles the other two, alhamdulillah.

Yesterday, she was so groggy, and wasn't cooperating much when reading her quran. Since I myself have been lacking sleep too, my patience wasn't exactly fully recharged, and I snapped. Thinking it wise to change the time and forgo all the snapping and misery in the early mornings, I told her,

"We have to change the time. You're not strong enough to fight the grogginess. If we keep this up, I'm just going to be angry and you're going to be miserable."

So, we are now moving it to after Asr. If we for some reason (which are many, such as... anything to do with Baby Z) can't do it after Asr, we will do it after Maghrib.

It has really been quite a struggle for both N and me. I need more practice in patience. I had 11 years, and I'm not quite sure if my patience level have increased in all those years. Patience with hubby, maybe. Patience with kids, I'm not so sure.

The Fragile Yet Radiant Flower That is N

Muhsin Khan: Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allah! With Him is a great reward (Paradise). Surah at-Taghaaboon [64:15]

Nothing speeds up your growing up process than being a parent or guardian over someone. Becoming a parent for me, has made me wiser. I believe there is a reason why Allah made me a mother at the age of 19, considering my childish nature.

Whatever hardships or difficulties we face are like anaerobic exercises. They strengthen us from deep within. When you're doing that 10th or 12th repetition of the set, your arms begin to shake, your face crumples up in agony, and within you, you scream,

"I can't do this anymore!", and you bring your arms down, and breathe a huge sigh of relief. You assess your deltoids, inhale, and proceed to do the next set, completing two sets of 8-12 repetitions of upright rows.

After weeks of persisting in such a regimen, you feel stronger, and before long, your deltoid emerges beautifully, creating that slight bulge and curve that lends a well-toned look to those arms. Through the anaerobic exercises, you have put your body through some amount of suffering, yet muscles are built, resulting in a stronger you. The building comes from deep within.

Doesn't that sound very much like life's trials? You are faced with a difficulty, and you feel like screaming,

"I can't do this!"

but in essence, you know that you can, because

Muhsin Khan: Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope.....Surah Al Baqarah [2:286]


Subhanallah. Sadaqallah!

With my children and homeschooling, I have been through moments of despair, exasperation, frustration, joy, hope, determination, and pondering. I have really learned a lot about the human nature just from being a parent. Each child is an in individual, with his or her own personalities and temperaments. You can't treat them all the same. You can't treat them all differently either. As a parent, you have to use your own hikmah in doling out these individual servings of parental attention to each child.

I took N aside one morning after Fajr to my room, and coaxed her to read half a page of the Quran. I realized that she has reached a point of being demotivated, because, in the course of teaching all three of them a curriculum that is a 'one for all', her individuality has suffered from all the fast-paced school work. I was under pressure from the school and teachers, and in turn, I transferred that pressure to her, and the result is not good. It's very much like being in public school, really, which is one reason I am not really willing to share my 'homeschooling' 'experience' with anyone that much, because I don't really consider myself qualified to do so, as I was not exactly traditionally homeschooling.

That said, I do believe that all these years of 'schooling them at home' has been beneficial alhamdulillah, and I have really gleaned a lot about homeschooling. The benefits have trickled down to the kids too, alhamdulillah, as I believe I haven't really killed their passion for learning, at least maybe not that much, I hope.

The reason she has been hesitant in reading all this while is because she thinks she's slow and will never read it properly. As adults, most often, we assume things with children, not even asking their opinions and thoughts. We think that we know what's best for them, and we act accordingly. I know that mindset only too well unfortunately. Alhamdulillah though, by Allah's will, I have gotten used to asking their opinions, with the the sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam in mind. The sunnah where he would ask the children's opinions on a matter. However, we never thought to ask N the reason why she was so hesitant to read the Quran, and just assumed that she was being lazy, astaghfirullah! Nothing could be further from the truth.

"Aishah (May Allah be pleased with her) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "The one who is proficient in the recitation of the Qur'an will be with the honourable and obedient scribes (angels) and he who recites the Qur'an and finds it difficult to recite, doing his best to recite it in the best way possible, will have a double reward.''
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

"N, you will get a double scoop, inshaallah, just for trying. See how much Allah loves you? Just for trying you get double scoops!"

I had a long talk with her, and was finally able to get her to read. That morning, we sat on my bed, and she read her half page, after which I read the translation of the ayah she just read. There is one thing I love about The Noble Quran; the footnotes of ahadeeth in it. The page where we were at, there was a hadeeth about the three men in a cave, the entrance blocked by a rock.

Volume 3, Book 36, Number 472: Narrated ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar: I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, “Three men from among those who were before you, set out together till they reached a cave at night and entered it. A big rock rolled down the mountain and closed the mouth of the cave. They said (to each other), Nothing could save you Tom this rock but to invoke Allah by giving referenda to the righteous deed which you have done (for Allah’s sake only).’ So, one of them said, ‘O Allah! I had old parents and I never provided my family (wife, children etc.) with milk before them. One day, by chance I was delayed, and I came late (at night) while they had slept. I milked the sheep for them and took the milk to them, but I found them sleeping. I disliked to provide my family with the milk before them. I waited for them and the bowl of milk was in my hand and I kept on waiting for them to get up till the day dawned. Then they got up and drank the milk. O Allah! If I did that for Your Sake only, please relieve us from our critical situation caused by this rock.’ So, the rock shifted a little but they could not get out.” The Prophet added, “The second man said, ‘O Allah! I had a cousin who was the dearest of all people to me and I wanted to have sexual relations with her but she refused. Later she had a hard time in a famine year and she came to me and I gave her one-hundredand- twenty Dinars on the condition that she would not resist my desire, and she agreed. When I was about to fulfill my desire, she said: It is illegal for you to outrage my chastity except by legitimate marriage. So, I thought it a sin to have sexual intercourse with her and left her though she was the dearest of all the people to me, and also I left the gold I had given her. O Allah! If I did that for Your Sake only, please relieve us from the present calamity.’ So, the rock shifted a little more but still they could not get out from there.” The Prophet added, “Then the third man said, ‘O Allah! I employed few laborers and I paid them their wages with the exception of one man who did not take his wages and went away. I invested his wages and I got much property thereby. (Then after some time) he came and said to me: O Allah’s slave! Pay me my wages. I said to him: All the camels, cows, sheep and slaves you see, are yours. He said: O Allah’s slave! Don’t mock at me. I said: I am not mocking at you. So, he took all the herd and drove them away and left nothing. O Allah! If I did that for Your Sake only, please relieve us from the present suffering.’ So, that rock shifted completely and they got out walking.

At the end of that hadeeth, I concluded that it's allowed to make du'a to Allah using our past good deeds, and, inadvertently, I made a du'a right there and then, for Allah to please make her able to read the Quran smoothly and easily.

"Can you make a du'aa out loud?" she asked me, after I was done.

The next day, she read with hubby after Fajr, and evidently, she did pretty good. As she walked past my very groggy self on the way to the door, she said,

"Ummi, your du'aa worked."

Did I say I was groggy? Well, groggy enough to say,

"Huh? What du'a?" I asked.

"The du'a yesterday. "

It was only then that I realized what she was referring to. I noticed then that her face was somewhat lit with light from within, a beautiful realization, and sense of accomplishment, and most importantly, an affirmation that Allah is All Powerful.

N is a very fragile flower whose petals can break off at the slightest nudge. Alhamdulillah for human resilience. I know her better now, inshaallah. Alhamdulillah. What may have wilted for sometime inshaallah is being nourished again, bi iznillah. Amidst the fast-paced nature of our family, N has been shut out and left behind most of the time. I always knew that, but have never been mentally or physically or emotionally able to slow down and tend to her, due to things I couldn't control. Now that we're almost done with OHVA, we are freer, happier, and inshaallah things will look up from here on.

Being tested with your children really gives you a plate full of food for thought. It makes you wiser, more mature, and more patient (though my progress here is pretty slow). Being a parent is nothing short of being a team leader in a workplace, except that it is more involved and meaningful.

May Allah endow on us parents the wisdom and acceptance of our own faults that we need to change in order to raise a new generation that will benefit the whole ummah. Ameen.

On Quran Memorization .... Apparently Continued

Stemming from the comments on the previous post pertaining to this topic, I decided to write another post, documenting my observations on Quran memorizing.


What Led to a Change of Heart

My interest was sparked in the summer of 2006 after taking the class Ulum Al Quran in Dearborn, Michigan. Ever since we lost AlMaghrib back in 2005, I have started to join some local young sisters in traveling to other cities to take Almaghrib classes. H was about 6 at the time, and I had no baby, so it was pretty easy for me to travel. The first class we attended as the 'Qabeelah on Wheels' was in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It was there that I overheard some sisters talking about women traveling without mahrams, and I was moved to look up the fatwa. My heart felt uneasy, and it was then that I decided I wasn't going to travel anywhere outside the city limits without my mahram anymore. So for subsequent classes, I dragged hubby with me.

The next class we took was Fiqh Of Love, in Indianapolis, Indiana, which alhamdulillah improved our marriage somewhat. We dragged the kids too, and suffice it to say, it was a big hassle, for they had the flu, and so we left them the second weekend with a Malaysian family. Ulum al Quran was the next class, and for this one, we left the kids with some young Malaysian students, A and Sy, who stayed at our homes. It was this class that transformed my perception on memorizing the Quran. I never placed much significance on it before, but what Muhammad Faqih said during the class changed how I viewed it, alhamdulillah. His advice for Muslim families, is one that I will treasure and try to remember always inshaallah.


Tips from a Hafidh

This was what he partly said during class. He also gave us tips on how to effectively memorize it. What I can recall, are:

1. Sit with earphones in your ears, blocking out every sound
2. Listen to a Qari's recitation, and face a corner or something which will not distract you
3. Repeat the verse you're trying to memorize several times until you get it

For our children, I guess we can modify it to fit our situations.


What about Knowing the Meaning?

I had asked him about the importance of knowing the meaning of the surah when memorizing, and what he said can basically be summed up as:

Even though knowing the meaning is important, when memorizing, that is not the focus. Focus on memorizing the ayah as is, and knowing the meaning will come later on.

Muhammad Al Shareef also said that usually, when studying the deen, one should not start with Arabic, but start with the Quran, even if one does not know Arabic. This is because, once one starts with the Quran, and memorizes it, one will later on be compelled to know the meaning, and from there, one will then be compelled to learn Arabic, and in turn, the whole deen bizinillah.

He also mentioned that the mistake people do when starting with Arabic, is that one goes in depth, and the Quran does not necessarily folllow suit, which is not the case with the other order (Quran first and then Arabic). From personal experience, I can't really shed much light on this one, because I did learn Arabic in secondary school, and my reading of the Quran is very much affected by what I learned of Arabic, which helps a lot in understanding what I read.


Our Different Islamic Cultures Pertaining to the Quran

Here in Columbus, we have quite a big population of Somali, and after spending a lot of time with them, I have noticed that part of their Islamic culture is an emphasis on memorizing the Quran. They have this 'madrasah' which they call 'Dugsi' where kids are trained to memorize the Quran strictly. We did send our kids to this dugsi a few years back, but we later took them out.

Unfortunately, we realized that they were assigning portions of surahs to be memorized to each kid, and we the parents, are the one who are under pressure to administer and oversee this process, which usually involved spending time with each kid who were assigned different portions, and quite big portions they were! In the end, we were tearing our hair out because it was just unrealistic to do so with a certain deadline. Plus, unfortunately, the kids who are sent to dugsi, are those who go to public school, and they bring in pop culture into the masjid, by talking of Hanna Montana and such during breaks or even during classes. We also found out that the masjid that is closer to us were starting to have hafidh classes too, so it was then that we took out the kids from dugsi, and we enrolled them in the program at the closer masjid.

The hafidh at the closer masjid was from Libya, and again, I observed that a lot of hufaadh at our masjid are from this country, mashaallah! However, one difference that I noticed, was that tajweed was included as a focus in addition to memorization by this hafidh. So, it's a step up, inshaallah.

The Desi (IndoPak) are also quite heavy on Quran memorization, and I see this from the Desi community at another masjid about 30 minutes away from where we live. A couple of times, I had attended their events, and mashaallah, kids aged 10 or so were reciting long surahs from memory.

When we were in Chicago for the class History of the Khulafa, Muhammad Al Shareef talked about how the Malaysians and Indonesians are very good at teaching their children the Quran with proper Tajweed. I realized then that our strength is focusing on tajweed. However, being a Malaysian myself, I also realized that our weakness is not focusing much on memorization (in general). At least, memorization is not a significant part of our cultural practice of Islam, as opposed to the Somalis, but sending our kids to someone who will teach them to read the Quran with proper tarteel is very much a significant part of our cultural practice of Islam. Once the child finishes reading the whole Quran, a celebration is in order, and the Quran is then closed forever (loosely speaking), never to be touched again, left to gather dust on the shelves. Some surahs are assigned to be memorized in school, but that's about it. I believe, from some conversations with fellow Malaysians, that it is only recently that Tahfiz schools are revived in Malaysia, where they were functioning 'underground' before.

One thing that stood out to me from all these observations, was that the Malaysians and Indonesians place emphases on knowing how to read the Quran. This is what the other cultures lack. Their young children may memorize the Quran, but they don't necessarily know how to read it, yes, even the Arabs. On the other hand, we may know how to read the Quran perfectly, but we don't necessarily have a love for it such that it will push us to memorize it. This is one of the reasons I feel very blessed to have set foot here, in the United States, where I am able to mingle with Muslims from other cultures. The differences, if handled in the right manner, can open up our minds as we learn about them, not in order to dig a deeper trench of separation, but in order to build a bridge of understanding each other.

My Somali sisters, mashaallah, have shared with me the secrets to their memorization of the Quran, or portions of it. Some have said that when they were young, their mothers would recite the portion of the Surah they were to memorize to them, and they would memorize it this way. And when they're bigger, and able to read the Quran themselves, they would do it themselves. Knowing the meaning probably didn't come until much later, with increased exposure, knowledge, and wisdom.


Reading the Quran: An Art?

Growing up, I used to just read the mushaf without bothering to look up the meaning. It was only unil I was of college age that I began to ponder on the practice. And now, I see that more and more of us Malaysians are realizing that we should also know what these verses are saying, rather than reciting them with perfect tajweed and tarteel, alhamdulillah.

I have had a conversation with one Malaysian who expressed her sentiment about the Quran in this way,

"Reciting the Quran is an art."

I guess I can't disagree with that, for it is true in a way, as the Prophet SAW told us to recite the Quran in as melodious a voice as possible, but that is not where it should stop.

Alhamdulillah, I feel that I have truly been blessed with good company in all the places we have lived in the United States, and I pray that Allah continue to place us in good company, that will help guide us to Him. So, I also feel that I have the advantage of combining the strengths of all these cultural practices pertaining to the Quran and applying them in our family; tajweed and memorization.


Too Old To Memorize?

As for issues with age, here is the story of an 82 year old grandmother who managed to memorize the whole Quran with the help of her grown daughter, mashaallah. I had met UmmReem's sister at The Texas Dawah Conference in Houston, Texas in December 2007, and UmmReem, also happened to have written a guide to help your child memorize Quran at a young age, for her daughter Reem, had memorized the Quran y the age of 5 or 7 if I'm not mistaken, mashaallah.



Problem with a Different Learning Style

When talking to UmmReem's sister Sd, she told me of her experience of homeschooling her children. It seems that one of her children is very much like my N, in terms of learning style. Where her sisters and brothers excelled in memorization, she seems to struggle. That sounded very familiar to me, so she talked of how she modified her teaching style with that daughter.

With Surah As Shams, she would draw pictures of the sun, moon, day, night, earth, sky etc as she taugher her daughter each verse, and it seemed to help.

With the kids, I had done a similar thing back in maybe 2003 where we had made an accordion book. On each page, they had to draw the representation of each ayah in Surah As Shams. We also did it with Surahs An Naas and Al Ikhlaas, where I had them write out one word from the ayah where they could not draw pictures.

With N, hubby sought another way to maintain her interest, by actually sitting with her and telling her the story of the surah she was working on. She seems to be one that has to interact with what with she is learning, whereas S and H are the typical 'school' learners that are content to be spoonfed information. Now however, they are all immersed in the story behind each surah everytime we ride the van, where hubby would turn on Muhammad AlShareef's Touched by An Angel.

Back to Sd's daughter, Sd told me that when she expressed her frustrations to her husband, he had told her,

"Don't worry about it, when she gets it, she'll get it,"

and this is one advice I also take when it comes to dealing with N.


Don't Push Them

That brings about another point to ponder on. Both Sd and I were listening to the lecture given by Dr.Mamdouh at the Texas Dawah Conference, and he had mentioned this scenario of not pushing the kids to memorize if they're not ready for it. I think, we parents sometimes get carried away in this 'race to memorize the whole Quran by age ____". I have seen people who memorized the whole Quran at a young age, and then forgot it, because memorizing it was part of the culture.



Ihsaan

It truly behooves us, as Muslims, to have a level of awareness in whatever we are doing, so we don't get carried away in our acts of worship such that they become just part of our daily routine, be it memorizing the Quran, praying, or wearing the hijab. Subhanallah, I really think this is the hardest part of practicing Islam; doing it at a level of Ihsaan. It is not an easy level to reach, and every day, as we go about our daily routine, it is so easy to do things without thinking about them, and especially in including our children in these routines, it is so easy to transfer that mindset to them. This is my daily struggle, as a Muslim, as a parent.


Last night, I was on a teleconference call with DiscoverUlife Life Coach, on a call titled How To Live a Life of Zero Regrets. She said that there are 3 kinds of failure. The first failure struck me the most:

It's when, on the Day of Judgment, you come to Allah, having done all the right things, NOT in the right way.



So Inshaa Allah...

May Allah protect us from that, and may Allah guide us to the straight path. Ameen.

May Allah purify our hearts, our intentions, and accept our deeds. Ameen.

On Quran Memorization

Every morning, after Fajr, everyone, including Baby Z would be seated in the kids' room, doing something related to the Quran. It came about rather gradually, I think, because it wasn't really planned. It just happened. After the post salah zikr, hubby would pick one of them to review a memorized surah with him, or do a new one. To optimize time, he would instruct the other two to pair off and have one of them check the other's memorization on a memorized surah. Alhamdulillah they are big enough to be able to read the mushaf and check each other's memorization, well...with the exception of N, who still pretty much depends on everyone. Usually, it would be her who is picked to review with hubby, or if she is one of the paired, she would be the one who is checked. Sometimes, hubby would also instruct the pair to read from the Quran instead of check memorization.

As for Baby Z, who has been up for Fajr since he was only a few months old, he would break into a big wide smile whenever he sees the big green mushaf being opened and put on the rehal. With glee, he would crawl to it, and put his hands over the pages. Before, he would actually try to flip the pages, but after several explicit exclamations from us, he would now approach, watch us, and gently touch it. His interest though, has moved from the big green mushaf, to the small pocket mushaf that we use for checking memorization. May he be of the likes of Zayd Ibn Thabit, his namesake, Ameen.

My memorization process, sad to say, has been going on very slowly. Now, at one ayah per day, I have yet to finish a surah that I started memorizing in the summer of 2006, astaghfirullah! Ever since I started memorizing it, we have been playing Saad Al Ghamidi's recitation of that paricular surah over and over again, such that the kids accidentally memorized parts of it. Funny how Quran memorization seems to happen rather accidentally with them. Their bedtime ritual, when they were younger, was me reading the three Quls and ayatul kursi to them. S was around 3 and N was about 2 years old. Everytime I tucked them into bed, I would recite the surahs to them, not expecting them to memorize it. Before long though, they were chimig in with me, and in joy, I recited the verses halfway, letting them finish off the ends. Before I knew it, they were memorising the surahs, with no big effort on my part, subhanallah. However, after we moved, I didn't keep up the review, and they forgot.

When we decided to resume their memorization, it required more than one person, as we got to the longer surahs. Even checking their reading alone was too much for me, as each kid required a different kind of patience from me. I had started out assigning one child to read one page of the mushaf, but we would end up spending about up to an hour per person just to read that one page. I gave up, stopped for a while, fretted, mulled, and bounced back with a new solution; half a page per child.

When I was teaching them to read using the IQRA series, it was the same way; we would spend so much time on one page per child, that I would be stripped of all patience (not that I had much to begin with anyway) by the end of the session with just one child. I remember telling a close friend,

"Don't do a long session with her. A short one is more effective, and it will keep you from burning out."

She had told me of her daughter's refusal to read, and after what I had gone through, I told her the above. It truly did work better; short sessions. Subhanallah, the best deeds are those that are done consistently. I was too ambitious trying to have each child read one page, in the hopes that they would get more practice, but I only ended up with three cranky children, and a very cranky mother. A revamping was definitely in order. And revamping we did, alhamdulillah with much better results.

When I got pregnant, sessions grew more difficult, as I needed to leave or rest. After Baby Z arrived, it gre even more difficult, hence hubby's intervention, or should I say, take over! Alhamdulillah, at least now, we're utilizing after Fajr rather productively, and all without planning too. I'm a planner by nature. I cannot function well without proper planning, but there are just times when what you plan don't pan out, you lose your head. I have many of those moments, and so I have learned to let things go at times, and not be too uptight. I consider this a test of my 'perfectionism'. I have learned to overlook what seems to me to be imperfections, and just keep my mouth shut. Alhamdulillah, it wasn't easy, but I think I have managed to be a little flexible, maybe even too flexible at times.

Suffice it to say, H has moved on very well with regards to memorization. He did say,

"I'm going to memorize the whole Quran when I'm ten!"

after hearing Safi Khan's lecture on Imam Ahmad Hanbal.

I have noticed that he seems to have a knack for memorizing, to which hubby would simply roll his eyes and snort, since he is the one who has to work with H so painstakingly. Nevertheless, whether it's a natural tendency, or something that has developed through hard core training (courtesy to Abu H), H does seem to pick up on Quran memorization rather easily, at least compared to the rest of us!

One morning, as they all rushed downstairs to have breakfast, I lingered behind, repeating the ayah I was working on over and over again. I was having trouble memorizing it, and kept getting stuck at one particular point. H happened to still be standing there, listening to me struggling to get my ayah of the day. S had finished memorizing the surah last Ramadan. Hubby made her memorize it since she had already accidentally memorized it through audio absorption. So sometimes, I would work on the surah, and have her check me, or just plain depend on her to tell me what was next. That morning, she wasn't there, but H was. Out of frustration, I casually trailed off and asked H to continue the rest of the ayah for me. He responded. I checked my small mushaf, and he was correct. Elated, I worked on it again, relying on him to correct me. He did, a couple of times, until I moved on to another part of the ayah, to which he said to me,

"I'll call S."

He grew tired of helping his poor old mother I suppose.

On another occasion, S was checking my memorization, and again, I was painstakingly struggling to get the ayah. H was sitting next to us, fiddling with something, and at one point, he gave me a look that appeared to me to say,

"What's so difficult?"

Later on, I asked him why he looked at me like that, and he said,

"It was easy."

Subhanallah! Alhamdulillah...may Allah make it easy for him, and eradicate any pride in him. Ameen.

I have two more ayah to finish the surah. It has been a very pathetic crawl, but inshaallah I'll finally finish it and retain it. With much needed assists from the kids. Ameen.

The Quran Rocks!

Many a times we recite the Quran, but many a times, we don't ponder over the speech of Allah to benefit from it. Subhanallah, learning the Quran in depth would surely then give you an emanrush!

Check this one out.

Still homeschooling?

Our homeschooling has been going on as usual, with me pushing the kids to hurry up and finish their OHVA curiculum so we can move on to more interesting stuff (like actual homeschooling). I am now able to discern the difference between schooling at home and homeschooling, and charter schools utilized for the home and anything of the like is basically school at home in my humble opinion. This year, my eyes have been forced open to see this clearly, thanks to the presence of Baby Z, who basically upped the pace and drove my stress hormones to indescribable speed, thereby forcing me to fish for a solution, which then resulted in me scouring books about homeschooling.

Not that I haven't done it before (scouring through homeschooling books), but I had done so with calm, not with anxiety. It's only when you taste hardship that your heart and eyes are truly open to new perspectives (at least that's my take on it now), and this school year, hardship would somewhat describe our homeschooling experience. And like a domino effect, hardship begets wonders. A Muslim's affair is always good. Therefore, I have discovered wonders. I have discovered that homeschooling is not necessarily about academics. Many parents worry incessantly about their kids achievement in school, fretting over their kids' grades, burying their heads in anguish over why their kid is behind in spelling or arithmetic. I completely relate, for I used to be one of those parents.

Our mission statement with regards to homeschooling now has changed, I believe. It is no longer about them mastering math concepts at their level or above their grade level. it's no longer about them mastering certain skills in Science at their grade level or above. It's about developing, attaining, maintaining, and increasing the love of learning. That's what it should have been in the first place.

Children have a natural curiosity which we by the way, have been tampering with by subjecting them to one- size-fits-all curiculum. We are taking away their individuality by grouping them as one student body and presenting them with a standard product, and expecting them to absorb it. Over the years, then, children have been absorbing those knowledge like robots, whether they lie to or not, and children who protest in their own ways, are labeled disruptive or problematic. In some countries, they are labeled with ADHD and given drugs. Long ago, such students were usually taken out of school, and some have been let 'loose' to pursue their own individual interests and have turned out to be notable people like Thomas Edison. But now, they have become one of the drug-laden children. Sad, isn't it?

I have noticed that my kids' eyes light up when they are discovering things on their own, with no force or pushing from me.

H's chatter would gush out as he explains newfound knowledge or new reflections or hypotheses. N's joy would gradually shine through as she softly shares new facts or information she has just learned from a book. S would glow with building confidence as she presents new animal facts that are unknown to the rest of us.

Left to their own devices, I have discovered that my kids learn better than when I sit there and instruct them in their lessons. Just recently, they managed to master the use of Powerpoint, and tweak the desktop. I don't even remember how it started, but when TV is off limits, trust me, creativity flourishes and the results just astound you.

So, while waiting to finish OHVA, we more or less pushed on with our Quran routine, which at times is left dangling. As Rh now comes to our house again every Friday to teach the kids 'Islamic Studies', they have resumed memorizing Surahs. I had held it bay especially for N because I needed to recuperate and find a way to do it without stretching myself too thin. Hubby has been persistently supervising and helping H memorize, and even that takes a lot of commitment, energy (emotional, mental and physical), and time. S is usually told to review her Yusuf, and N is somewhat abandoned. And I resumed their Quran reading, though to be more realistic, considering I have a baby who wants to nurse and has trouble napping at times, I have split up reading with each child after salat. Some days I will do just N after Zuhr, and the rest after Asr, and some days I will do two of them after Zuhr and the remaining one after Asr, but some days I only get to do one or two of them after the salat. Post fajr though, alhamdulillah, has been more or less consistently Quran time, though it's also the time that Baby Z needs his bath, and food.

While hubby does the memorization with the one of the kids, I do mine, and Baby Z plays with one of them. It has been a challenge, a real challenge to juggle the 3 kids with just the Quran, especially in trying to be consistent.

As for other stuff, since we always put on audio lecture CDs in the van, they get their dose of 'Islamic studies' informally on grocery shopping trips and outings. H gets his share of that in the Jumaah khutbahs too. On their own time, they busy themselves with reading, to the point that it actually annoys us, especially when they are so absorbed in their books that they are oblivious to everything else around them, including our repeated calls.

So, yes, we are still homeschooling, with a 'school at home' curriculum and informal natural learning resources, not to mention the archery, wrestling, and ceramics classes they are attending, alhamdulillah.

What is touted by homeschoolers to homeschooling moms with burnout:

Even if you don't teach for that day, your children are still benefiting.

I found that very hard to swallow before I changed my mindset about the natural learning process and learning opportunities. Now, I actually am able to see this natural learning occuring even when I'm not actively instructing or teaching them. Subhanallah! Sometimes less is more, huh?

A BIG Thanks is in order

During the Texas Dawah Convention, S spent time in the MIST Jr. program. She scowled and frowned and stretched her face to unimaginable vertical lengths.

"I hate dodgeball!"

Everytime we would ask her how her day was, she would respond with either a scowl or a slight smile.

Scowl = bad day
Slight smile = it wasn't too bad

It turned out, the only thing she really didn't like was dodgeball. There was a time when I was walking her and Baby Z to the KidZone, while hubby dropped N and H off at their age groups room respectively. Baby Z was crying, and I had to rush off to the lectures, so we asked her if she could stay with Baby Z in Baby Z's babysitting room and put him to sleep. She nodded eagerly. However, as we paced the hallways, Baby Z fell asleep in his stroller.Knowing how she hated dodgeball, I asked her, as we approached Baby Z's babysitting room,

"Do you wanna go to MIST Jr, or do you want to stay with Baby Z?"

She didn't answer right away, but indicated from her body language that she would prefer to go to MIST Jr. So off to MIST Jr. she went, while I wheeled Baby Z to his babysitting room.

On one of those days, she told me that they were making a big THANKS exhibit for the parents, and that each of them had to make a card for each parent, thanking each parent for one particular thing.

"I made one for Abi and one for you," she said, a shy smile peeking through.

"So what'd you thank me for?" I teased her, cajoling her into runing the surprise.

"I'm not telling," her smile grew.

"How about Abi?" I asked again.

"I'm not telling," she persisted.

"Abi's has a heart on it," she suddenly offered.

"Oh, and mine doesn't?!" I pretended to be hurt.

"Come on, S, what'd you thank me for?"

"You'll have to look for it,"she said.

"But how will I find it if I don't know what it is?" I reasoned.

"You''ll have to find it," she said yet again, becoming more and more indignant at keeping the surprise intact.

So on the day the THANKS was finally put up, I went her and Baby Z. They had put it up on the main lobby of the convention floor. I looked through all of the cards trying to find hers. We giggled through some, for some kids had written,
"Thank you for the shorts and shirts." And we marveled at some, for some kids had done really beautiful artwork on their card. And then I pounced on hers.

Guess which one's for whom? And why do I feel like I got the less better one?

The New Toy

"This is for your kids," she said, and handed me a rectangular golden-colored box.

Completely taken aback, I asked her, "Why?"

"Oh, nothing, just something for your family," she replied with a laugh.

"Aww, jazakillah khair!"

It was an IPOD, containing Tafsir, Quran recitations, Ahadeeth, Asmaa ul Husna and the meaning, plus a feature for recording voices.

Suffice it to say, this became the newest toy in the house. Just before I set out to compose this entry, I had to tell H,

"H, go shower," for the umpteenth time.

He had been sitting in his chair and on the bed, earphones stuck in his ears, spectacled eyes glued to the screen of the IPOD, while Saad Al Ghamidi's recitation of Surah Al Baqarah rang faintly through the earphones.

"Ummi, do you know that Surah AlBaqarah has so many stories?" he asked me, taking one earphone out of his ear.

"Ummi, why is it in Surah Al Baqarah, there was so many ayat that says that the if the Jews don't listen to the Tawrah and Injil, that they would be punished?"

"Did you pass the story of the cow yet?" I asked him.

"Yeah."

"Ummu, there's a story of Musa and the twelve springs, do you know what number that is?" he asked me back.

"No," I replied.

"Sixty," he said, with a somewhat smug voice.

"And it's in the Quran challenge game too, " he continued.

"I like surah Al Baqarah," he annonced out of the blue, still listening to the recitation.

Yesterday, while I was in the kitchen, making two of my Luscious Trifle pies, I peeked at the kids in the living room. S was sitting with Baby Z, holding him with one hand, while the other held the IPOD playing surah Yusuf, and her eyes was glued to the screen, reading the translation of each ayah as it was recited.

Another snapshot was of H reclining on the couch with Baby Z half lying on his lap, one hand holding the IPOD, while Baby Z fingered the wires of the earphones, cheeks and lips plopping in concentration. He wore what hubby would have dubbed the 'Chinese face'.

May Allah reward the sister and whoever else is involved in the generous gesture of Muslim sisterhood immensely for this wonderful gift. Ameen.

Wake up!

"I used to see kids at the masjid in Malaysia, way before Fajr, working on their memorization," said hubby to the kids.

I don't remember when exactly but maybe a few days after that, H told me that he wanted to wake up at 4:30 am.

"What for?"

"To do my suwah!"

He actually laid out the prayer rug on the floor and slept on the floor.

The next morning, when he woke up, hubby told him to make wudhu and put his thawb on. H sat there and hubby told him to go back to bed. I don't know who was groggy, H or huby, but H ended up waking up just to make wudhu' and going back to sleep.

"He wanted to wake up to do his surah," I told hubby later that day.

Apparently hubby didn't realize that and told H to go back to sleep.

A few days later, H did it again; he slept on the floor and even put an alarm clock next to his head. I don't know if it went off, but hubby ended up picking him up and placing him back on the bed.

"Why?" I asked hubby.

"I just told him to pray fajr and go back to sleep," he said.

"But he wanted to do his surah," I said.

"His body might not be able to take it. Let it be gradual," he replied.

Last night, H did it again, but he slept on his bed, though he told me he wanted to wake up for Fajr.

We woke him up, and he joined us for salat, and went back to sleep.

Maybe in the winter, when the days are shorter and they can sleep earlier after Isha' he can do it, inshaallah. I just hope he will still have the desire to do so...

Lucky you!

"AM told the other kids that I only have one ayah to memorize, and they said to me that I was lucky," said H.

"Then AM said, 'No,' and smiled, and said the ayah, and then they said, 'Ok maybe you're not so lucky," he continued.

The ayah is verse 31, surah al muddathir, which S is now helping him memorize because she already memorized the surah.


31: Muhsin Khan: And We have set none but angels as guardians of the Fire, and We have fixed their number (19) only as a trial for the disbelievers, in order that the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) may arrive at a certainty [that this Quran is the truth as it agrees with their Books i.e. their number (19) is written in the Taurat (Torah) and the Injeel (Gospel)] and the believers may increase in Faith (as this Quran is the truth) and that no doubts may be left for the people of the Scripture and the believers, and that those in whose hearts is a disease (of hypocrisy) and the disbelievers may say: "What Allah intends by this (curious) example ?" Thus Allah leads astray whom He wills and guides whom He wills. And none can know the hosts of your Lord but He. And this (Hell) is nothing else than a (warning) reminder to mankind.


"R took three weeks to memorize it," said H.

Before this, H came home and told me,

"AM said I memorize good and he didn't give me anything to memorize today."

And now, I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah, I know why. He's saving that break for this long one."

"Done!" H shouted with triumph.

"Ar-Rahman is easier than this one!" he said.

"Huh? No! This is easier," said S.

"No, Ar-Rahman is easier," insisted H.

Positive Reinforcement

N will never fail to wake me up for Asr after our naps. We have taken to forcing them to nap now because Isha is getting later and they also wake up at Fajr and do not go back to sleep afterwards.

H went with hubby to the Hayl meeting and a picnic afterwards so it was just us ladies in the house. We took a nap few hours after Zuhr and right when the azan was called, N came to my room and woke me up. It took me a while to wake up and I told them to pray first. They did. As I was trying to get up, I heard N reciting the Quran.

Today is Sunday. They didn't have any To Do Lists to abide by on the weekends. Sure, they have chores on Saturday, but Sundays they're usually free. Subhanallah! I suppose it has become a routine that it's so hard to shake off. Quran after Asr. They even resisted the urge to go and play outside before they read the Quran. S checked N's recitation. Right after N was done, they both left the house.

"What time should we come back?" shouted S before she closed the front door.

"6:30!" I croaked.

They came home around that time, while I was cooking and mopping the kitchen.

I felt bad for not offering them any praise when they did the above, because right when I went into the bathroom to shower, the bathtub was slippery with spilled shampoo: N's doing.

Of course she got some scolding. I told her to clean the bathtub after Maghrib. She did.

Sometimes I feel so evil. The times when they do praiseworthy acts are when I should have opened my mouth. The times when they do 'kid-expected' acts are when I should withhold my tongue and act with wisdom.

However, subhanallah, you can't help but love the purity and innocence Allah bestows in our children at such tender ages. You can't help but (yes, despite our faults and failure to abide by 'wise-parenting') feel blessed when the children behave in ways that just blow you away, in a nice way.

As I lay in bed and listened to N's halting recitation, corrected by S, I made dua in my heart,

"Oh Allah, please keep their purity and keep them away from bad influences and the path to the fire. Please make them among the saaliheen."

Now, I should make this dua,

"Oh Allah, please give me wisdom and insight that will brings us closer to You." Ameen.

Improvements

Alhamdulillah I see improvements in the kids' Quran reading/recitation. When we first started out it took a painful half to one hour for N or H to finish reading half a page of the normal mushaf. It was really painful, especially with N's very soft voice. It was as if she was hoarding gold in there.

Her voice is still soft but at least her reading is a lot faster and smoother. Now it takes her about 10 minutes to read half a page, and H 5 minutes to read half a page.

As for her voice, I am forcing both her and S to recite louder, even to the point of tears, because mumbling really doesn't help. H on the other hand, has been transformed by AM. Hubby said AM has probably given up telling the girls to read louder. So it seems I have to take matters into my own hands if I want the girls' tarteel to improve. They need to recite louder. Here is where I can be a mean teacher.

Everyday, Surah Luqman is on H's To Do list. SOmetimes I only do review and sometimes I help him memorize a new ayat. That takes painfully long to do too; from half an hour to 45 minutes for one short ayah. Today, he is reduced to crying. I made sure he got it before letting him go, despite the crying, so he could feel a sense of accomplishment, rather than being let go when he couldn't do it, which in itself could send a wrong message or plant the wrong conditioning.

"You have one a half more page to finish the surah, H," I said to him.

I still remember him reciting a part of the ayah he was having trouble with in his sleep when he was (I think) doing Mutaffifeen. He was on the couch, working on it when he fell asleep. We were stil in the living room, going about our business when all of a sudden he recited the ayah he was having trouble with, but his eyes were still closed. It stopped me right in my tracks and for a while I thought he was awake, but he went on sleeping after that short recitation.

Now, he keeps reciting, "Inna shirka la zulmun adheem," as part of his daily self chatter.

What a character. Who would have thought this baby of mine whom we had dubbed 'German-speaking' due to his unintelligible babyish babble would recite the Quran so nicely now, even when he couldn't pronounce the American R. Alhamdulillah. I guess I don't care if he cannot ever pronounce the American R as long as he can recite Quran well.

May Allah preserve His Kalaam in this boy's heart. Ameen.

May both hubby and I be clothed with clothes of Jannah for raising a son/daughter/s hafidh. Ameen.

Written in Stone: Tips on memorizing the Qurân

This article is meant those who have taken their first steps, not those who are still waiting for motivation. It is dedicated to all our young brothers and sisters in Qu’ran Hifdh schools (and all the wanna bes J). In sha Allah, I will discuss how you can become more effective in your memorization of the Qur’an. Let me ask this question, “Who wants to memorize the Qur’an?” No doubt, the hands initially will rise slowly, but then almost everyone should have their hand raised. But, most truthfully, is that desire a sincere, heartfelt desire? If it was, then action would follow. If I said, “Who wants to lose weight?” Most people would raise their hands and upon being asked would mention the steps they are taking to achieve their goal. What steps are we taking to memorize the Qur’an if indeed our intentions are passionate?

Dua After Azan

"Dua, dua!" I hollered. The azan was just called.

"H made dua to memorize the Quran before he's 10," said S after they were done.

"Masyaallah, and since that's one of the best times to make dua, you just might get it insyaallah," I said.

"Yeah, but I still want candy and everything," H added.

"Sure," I said.

He's currently working on Surah Luqman after finishing his Ar-Rahman. I was just telling him yesterday about Imam Ahmad Hanbal memorising the Quran before the age of 10. Never thought he would take it to heart and make it his own aspiration. This time though, he chose Bukhaatir instead of our usual Saad Al-Ghamidee.

Starting with the Quran

Ever since the girls started going to dugsi, our lives have really changed, in the sense that I am learning more about the different people around me. Again I have to stress that this enriching experience is one that I will treasure for the rest of my life. That is why I love staying here in the midst of a multitude of different cultures. However, the difference between living here and in Malaysia, is the fact that the Muslims here are in a melting pot of their own, but in Malaysia we're all basically from the same mold. That variety in the Muslim world itself, is what makes these experiences so rich and it only increases my love for our Muslims sisters and brothers as a whole, alhamdulillah. I would love for my children to continue growing up in this environment, though it does render us both, parents and children in a continuous learning process. Nevertheless, I do believe it opens our eyes and widens our perception. I can better tolerate differences and will not immediately jump to judgments of other people, and in fact will try my best to see it from their perspectives while keeping my own or sometimes adjusting my own. Nothing better for tightening the bond between Muslims of different backgrounds, insyaallah.


The first time I went to the dugsi to pick up the girls, it was just after the dugsi was done. As I stepped in the masjid, Ifound myself facing a hoard of yelling, running and shoving teenage girls, mostly taller and bigger than my pregnant self. Of course my pregnancy wasn't that obvious with my attire. I literally was fearful for my and the baby's well being, as I found myself constantly struggling in my slow amble to dodge these girls who found it normal to shove people out of their ways.

As I made my way out of the foyer into the musalla area, younger girls came to me with bright faces and asked,

"Are you looking for S?"

"Are you S's mom?"

I nodded. Obviously finding my daughter was easy there, as we were the only non Somali in the masjid. We prayed Zuhr there and I couldn't help but notice that while we were praying, well, at least, while I was praying, a girl in front of me kept turning back to look at me. I suppose she was making sure the 'Chinese-looking' lady was actually praying and is a Muslim. I couldn't help but smile at the thought. It was funny yet somewhat endearing and cute. As I headed out with N alongside me, a girl about the age of ten, asked me,

"Are you her sister?"

"No, I'm her mom," I replied.

She looked taken aback and let out a surprised, "Ohh."

One thing I have to say about the Somalis : they are very friendly and warm people. If my girls were in a school full of Arabs, they would probably get a totally different treatment from the Arabs. Just one day in the dugsi, and my girls were already swarmed by these other girls who quickly became their friends. They are so friendly, just like their older counterparts who are my dearest sisters in Islam.

As H put it,

"They now have a group of their own at break time."

I do worry about bad influences as the girls came home one week telling me that two bigger girls got int trouble for passing notes in class, and the teacher, H, read out their notes out loud. Apparently it was about Hanna Montana, whom I know practically NOTHING about, but it bothered me that my kids were talking about it as if they knew the person so well. I dug more into what happens at the dugsi, but after further digging, I simply found out that my girls aer in a group of innocent girls insyaallah. Those girls who are TV-addicts are the ones whom are forced to go every week by their parents and the way of life is most probably not enforced at home. I am too familiar with that.

S is miserable though about her Quran memorization assignments. Yesterday I talked to R, who gave me some pointers on what to do about that.

1. Continuously play Quranic recitation by different qaris so they develop a love for hearing it.
2. Focus on listening to it as one would listen to music (well of course you also have to observe the ettiquettes)
3. Parents also have to be enthusiastic abuot memorising themselves.

Alhamdulillah, the kids are constantly 'chanting' Quran in the house, to the point that N would actually accidentally memorize something she wasn't assigned to memorize but would fail to memorize her own assignments.

I've also started to constantly have them read the Quran after either Zuhr or Asr. So far, after a few weeks, I have seen encouraging improvements in their pace and tajweed alhamdulillah. H does read faster than N though. I still have to learn to adapt and have more patience with N. She is so different than S and H.

I also was recently told that 4th grade is the turning point.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It's when things start to get serious, as you have probably noticed," said HB.

I nodded agreeably. I have felt that since this school year started, and being told that only reinforces that belief. I am now in a frenzy trying to find S a planner. It's time for her to be more independent, though she already is masyaallah. However, if I'm to have this baby insyaallah, she'd better be more independent.

Saad al Ghaamidi seems to be our favorite Qari in the house. I tried the others but the girls kept shaking their heads and I have to revert back to Saad al Ghaamidi.

Our venture in this Quran odyssey started significantly last summer and I have to say attending AlMaghrib's Route 114 by Muhammad Faqih has really changed how I see the Quran, alhamdulillah. H is flourishing in his Quran class at the masjid, and as chatty and goofy as ever. So goofy and crazy that he actually goes out of the house in subzero temperature wearing a short sleeveed T-shirt and knee-length shorts!

"You're not going out of the house like that anymore," I told him.

Talk about being American. Well, he doesn't have to be that American!