Life is an Open Secret

Hubby brought home Life is an Open Secret home a few days ago, from the OSU library, because I was asking for it. Kak Bina, my high school senior, is the author, and when I saw the book lying on the side table in the living room, I picked it up and read it immediately.

It is a very interesting and enjoyable read, and, mashaallah, Kak Bina really provoked some personal reflections in me, alhamdulillah. What is enjoyable about her book are the stories included in each chapter. I couldn't help but chuckle at some of them, jokes she had shared, and some of them I actually read out loud to the family.

I finished reading it the second day, after which I said to the kids,

"Now you can read it if you want."

They were already intrigued and curious as to the contents of the book, after I shared some of the jokes and stories with them out loud. It wasn't long before I found S reading it, pretty intently too.

"Do you like the book?" I asked her.

"I like the stories."

"Do you understand them?"

"Yeah."

Mashaallah. I had told hubby that we need to buy those Islamic fiction even if they seem to adultish for the kids, because S seems to be reading years ahead of her age. Everytime I see her read, and ask her comprehension, I think to myself,

"That Glenn Doman bit I did on her really makes a difference."

A few posts ago, I have come to the realization that maybe teaching kids to read an an earlier age is not that significant, but every time I see S reading, I am moved to think otherwise. I do think it does make a difference. Maybe it is not significant in terms of the ability to read, but maybe the significance is in the experience of reading itself, and where it can take that person. I think it even affects her Quran reading, compared to N and H. Allaahu Aalim.

Today, H picked up the book and started to read it, though he interrupted my reading numerous times with,

"What's labor?"

"Is this first person or third person?"

"The person writing this, is it a girl or a boy?"

"Are the stories true?"

To be honest, I was rather annoyed by the incessant questions, as I was feeling rather on the egde with regards to finding time for my writing today, especially. However, I am just thankful he is showing interest in reading it, just because it's not exactly a children's book.

I sure hope we get to purchasing that list of Islamic books, fiction and non fiction I had emailed hubby months ago, inshaallah.

Vaccine Resources

From the book: Vaccine Guide Risks and benefits for Children and Adults by Randall Neustaedter OMD

I thought I'd jot down the resources mentioned at the end of the book for future references.

Resources:

National Vaccine Information Center
National Center for Homeopathy
Council for Homeopathic Certification
Homeopathic Educational Services
Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System

Books:
What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Children's Vaccinations
A Shot in the Dark
Immunization: The Reality Behind the Myth
Vaccines: Are They Really Safe and Effective?

Websites:
Updates to the Vaccine Guide
Vaccine Information & Awareness (VIA)
Center for Disease Control


Practitioner Directories:

Directory of naturopathic physicians
American Association of Oriental Medicine members
Members of the California State Oriental Medical Association

Now I can return this book to the library.

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child

I was browsing the shelf in the non fiction section of the library when I saw 'The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child' on the spine of a book. With my right index finger, I pulled the book out of its resting place by the top part of its spine. With a load of books stuffed in Baby Z's stroller basket, I wheeled him and the books back to the children's section where hubby and the kids were waiting .

I was having problems of demotivation in N, which has been driving me crazy, and that is such an understatement. I knew she was different than the other two. I knew she needed special attention. But I have failed to give her that special attention, time and time again, because of all the hustle and bustle a 'school-at-home' creates, unfortunately. I have been pressured to rush her to finish her lessons, and I think, in a way, it has demotivated her because no matter how fast she does her work, she'll always be slower than the other two.

It's interesting to read that in schools, 'speed' is usually associated with 'smart'.I know that only too well, especially in math. It's also interesting to note that Math is not an introvert's strong point. I know that only too well too. I had requested that H be moved up to 3rd grade Language Arts so I could teach him and N at the same level at the same time, but whenever we do comprehension and I ask the questions, H would always be the first one to answer, while N lingers, still thinking of the question. I had once stopped doing Language Arts with them both. They had to be separated because H's speed seemed to be burying N's insights.

Introverts need enough sleep and cannot function well without it. Sure, this is true for most people, but introverts have a harder time with it. I can say that from experience, and from contrasting hubby's and my sleep requirements.

Introverts become drained being around people, even if they enjoy that social occasion. I have always thought myself strange and weird, believing that maybe I needed to change myself. I did notice that I always am exhausted after entertaining people in my home, and if hubby were to suggest me calling someone on the phone right away after that, I would fend off the suggestion and say,

"I'm really tired. I don't feel like talking to anyone for hours again."

Extroverts on the other hand, derive energy from being around people. They need to be around people, and can't stand being alone too much. Introverts need their own space to recharge.

The author talks about how the brains of introverts and extroverts work differently, which contributes to the different temperaments. As I was reading this, I thought about the four temperaments or personalities mentioned in the Quran in Surah An-Nisaa [4:69]:

	.

69: Muhsin Khan: And whoso obeys Allah and the Messenger (Muhammad SAW), then they will be in the company of those on whom Allah has bestowed His Grace, of the Prophets, the Siddiqun (those followers of the Prophets who were first and foremost to believe in them, like Abu Bakr As­Siddiq ÑÖì ), the martyrs, and the righteous. And how excellent these companions are!

In History of the Khulafa, taught by Muhammad Alshareef, this ayah was mentioned, and he related it to the four types of personalities: the prophets, the siddiqun (truth seeker), shuhadaa'/martyrs (physical doer), and the saaliheen/righteous (helpers). The siddiqun are those who are seekers of knowledge, love learning, and usually are on self discovery. The shuhadaa' are usually great daa'eis who are great at giving speeches, and have great personas and aura, and maybe these are the extroverts. The saaliheen are people who like to go out and help and serve other people. So, in a Muslim ummah, we can use these different personalities to do dawah by using the strengths of each personality and applying them via teamwork. Mashaallah! In our community here, among the sisters I'm around, I see these three personalities at work, mashaallah.

Obviously, the world we live in now is an extrovert world, and introverts are so often undervalued and misunderstood. Since introverts are also more sensitive and are more prone to feeling guilt and shame, they will more likely conclude that something is wrong with them, and try to be more like an extrovert. Needless to say, to exhort a an introvert child to be more like an extrovert is a huge mistake, for it will affect her self esteem in general. From experience, I have to say that is true. Teachers in school also undervalue introverts, and it's only teachers who do reach out to those introverts who are able to recognize the hidden gifts of the introverted children. I have one such teacher in elementary school, with whom I always spent my P.E. mornings in the classroom, chatting. While the rest of the class were outside, doing P.E., I stayed inside, and she would talk to me. Suffice it to say, she is my favorite teacher.

Moving on to the Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child, and how to nurture and tend to these gifts:

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child

1. Introverts Have Rich Inner Lives

Innies have a rich inner world that is filled with continuous thoughts. Their minds are always 'busy' thinking. As parents and adults dealing with introverts, we should help introvert children express these thoughts and feelings, so they realize the depth and richness of their interiority. Introverts tend to do their own thing instead of swaying with 'the other prairie grass'. I do notice that a lot in N. She will do her own thing regardless of what other kids are doing. But adults need to bring out these rich minds so these innie kids will learn to trust and value their own thoughts, rather than think that maybe they should be like the other 'normal' kids.

On the other hand, this busy inner world can make them feel alone, as they are very capable of reflections and looking into themselves and thinking 'big stuff'. Having one-on-one conversations with them where we tell them our thoughts and ask for their responses would make them feel less isolated. As an Innie myself, I can affirm that I do truly enjoy one-on-one conversations with people who do show a genuine interest, like my dear elementary school teacher I mentioned above. I have also noticed that N takes to people who do show an interest rather easily. She expresses her delight in them coming over, and can be very compassionate and thoughtful in ways you would never expect.

Hooking them up with pen-pals would also help them express their thoughts and feelings while giving them enough space and time to respond. Innies can take some time to respond, as their brains take a longer pathway to process information. So as adults, we should pause while waiting for them to respond to us, and not rush them. A constant reminder for me when dealing with N.


2. Innies Know How to Smell the Roses

Definitely. Hubby is an extrovert. Well at least I think he lies on the extrovert end of the spectrum. He is also the Type A kind of person, which has affected us all as a family in many ways. Our motto seems to be, "Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!". I have learned to live with this lifestyle over the years, but apparently, it has proved to be too much for N, who is always the last one to get ready, and would always be rushed everywhere we go. It's exasperating to us, but from her perspective, I suppose it's exasperating having to rush all the time too!

When I do spend time with N, just her and and Baby Z, the world does seem quieter and slower. Once hubby, S and H enter through the front door though, our quiet and slow-moving world is often crushed by the fast-paced world again. So I do truly savor those quiet and relaxing moments with N.

Innies notice details that most other people just pass by without thinking about. They tend to relish the little things in life that busy people overlook. So in a way, introverted children bring life to a family by bringing in the rich little pleasures that Allah has created for us to reflect upon and enjoy. So, as parents, we should slow down and learn to smell the roses with our innie children. Maybe, Allah gave us innies so we would stop and smell the roses! Subhanallah...

3. Innies Have a Love of Learning

So you can tell that having an innie child for a homeschooler is actually a pleasure and maybe a boon! I always find myself having inner conversations in my head, which sometimes, embarassingly escape auditorily. I was caught having a conversation with myself by my parents, in the bathroom, in front of a mirror, much to my horror and embarasment. I still have those conversations today, and sometimes, my kids might catch me mouthing words with facial expressions to match.

"Ummi's talking to herself again!" they would say.

I see that in N too. I would hear her talking to herself in a very soft voice. Since we're all so busy to mind her, it's kind of difficult to notice her doing this unless you're in the room just with her, or she happens to pass by you while she's doing this.

In the book, the author says that Innies generally have a love for writing and reading, and a high precentage of them goes to college, as their learning style fits those required in higher education. Ns forte is writing, and I did figure out, even before reading the book, that one way to effectively communicate with her is through writing. I find that true for me too. I find writing to be a better way of expressing how I feel to people than verbal conversation. Ever since the kids have an email account, I would sometimes send them email. Hubby would scoff,

"Why do you email them? Just tell them. You're already at home with them!"

He emails them from his office. I laugh at his remark, but I do it because I know that sometimes it's hard to say what you feel in spoken words. On the other hand, once you get an innie to talk about a topic he has an interest in, it's like turning on an 'information fountain', as termed by the author. I think my friends would concur with that with regards to me and my lengthy emails.

So as parents, we should encourage this trait in our innies by paying attention to what he is interested in and going to the library to find books on those topics. You could also talk with them about the books they are reading. They need an outlet for all this inner information milling about in their minds.


4. Introverts Think Outside the Box

The author says that innies are creative problem solvers. They in short, are able to think of creative ways to solve problems. I have done the sit, discuss problem and brainstorm solutions process with the kids. Thinking back, I suppose N does have a lot of good ideas. It always amazes you how a quiet person can contribute in mind-blowing ways, and that is very true with regards to N.

In order to appreciate this gift in an innie, parents can ask their opinions on a dilemma. Parents should also help them use this gift to solve their own problems, by maybe asking them to draw a picture, write poetry or story to express their thoughts and feelings that are troubling. You could also be very surprised at what you see in this inner world of you innie child!

Indeed I have received more than a glimpse of N's inner world through her poems and stories and continuous drawings. It is mind-blowing to say the least.


5. Introverts Excel in the Creative Arts

Being creative is strongly related to the ability to think outside the box and having a rich inner world. Introverts are found in artists, dancers, musicians, writers. As a child, I was discouraged from dabbling much in drawing or painting, though I found it very enjoyable and therapeutic. I felt that drawing and painting enables me to escape from this world that sometimes feel constricting into my own world. I think it might be the same for N too. Subhanallah...no wonder she spends so much time drawing, doodling, and writing poems and stories.

As parents, we should encourage these creative expressions in our innies by making accessible arts supplies, taking them to flea markets, etc, and allow them freedom to create without criticism. I used to enjoy my visits to my grandfather's house, who was an art teacher. Every time I visit, he would take out art supplies, and I would paint to my heart's content. He would show me how to mix the paint colors to get the right tone and shade, and how to do the strokes on paper. In school though, I seldom get A for artwork, because I always felt constricted by what we had to draw. I always felt that I wanted the freedom to draw whatever I wanted to draw, and not what someone wanted me to draw. The only A I received I think, was on a potato stamping print that I did. Now, my drawing days are 97% over, and writing has taken over.


6. Introverts Have a High Emotional IQ

A woman dropped her carton of eggs, resulting in a huge mess of yolks and slippery egg whites on the floor of a local grocery store. We happened to walk past the lady, when I suddenly noticed N;s facial expression. She had seen the woman drop her eggs, and as I watched N, her face took on an expression emanating empathy to the point that she looked like she was about to cry. I quickly told hubby, and hubby asked N,

"You're sad that the woman dropped her eggs, N?"

I believe N nodded.

Another time, she offered to give our neighbor one of her favorite toy in return for that neighbor sharing with us their food. I was surprised by her generosity.

Innies are emphatic by nature, and may be wise well before their years. The author says though that the brain's emotional center is thelast to fully develop, so the parents should help nurture this skill over a longer period of time. So basically, acknowledge these traits in our innies and encourage it, for emotional IQ is a kind of intelligence that is crucial to a person's well being, more than the kind of intelligence mostly talked about now today.


7. Introverts are Gifted at the Art of Conversation

Contrary to the myths of introverts being shy, not good at working in groups, introverts are gifted at the art of conversation. They might not be gregarious in a gruop setting, and may seem reserved, but from personal experience an observations, introverts do take some time to warm up to people. My mother told me about my younger sister, how she may seem reserved and aloof, but once she gets to know a person, she is very amiable.

All my children are like this. They are slow to warm up to new people, and it may take a whole visit for them to actually hook up with our new guests, and at the time that the guests have to leave, only do they begin to appear animated. I was like this too. In my adulthood, I have learned to overcome this trait by training myself to be bubbly, though it can be exhausting.

Introverts have a lot to say when they are allowed time to get comfortable and say it. When having a chat with N, I find myself blown away by her insights and thoughts, mashaallah. You would never know all of this is going on inside her quiet self. Though I should know better since I am an introvert myself. Introverts usually make very good friends because they remember what friends say, keep confidences and pick up cues.

The author says that innies excel in one-on-one relationships and often choose careers that rely on it. As parents, we should help our innies better their conversational skills by complimenting these abilities in them, their ability to listen, pick up cues, remember what people say, being genuinely interested in people, and having deep conversations. Having written that, I do realize that I have tried so hard to be 'like other people' that sometimes I don't remember what friends say and have trouble keeping up with personal relationships on a one-on-one basis. Subhanallah.
You learn something new everyday, don't you?


8. Introverts Enjoy their Own Company

"The good thing is, she knows how to entertain herself," was what the psychiatrist said to my dad, when my dad referred me to his friend for 'evaluation', because I was the 'trouble child' who doesn't speak much to my family members.

N spends a lot of time by herself, and it doesn't bother her one bit. Introverts enjoy solitude. I can attest to that wholeheartedly, which sometimes or okay I admit, most of the time envelop me with guilt, when people keep calling me to have a chat. Most of the time, I don't really feel like talking. I would rather be stuck at home doing my own thing.

In a way it is liberating not to depend on being around people to have fun, and this is what parents should cherish in their innie children. Tell your innies that enjoying one's own company is a gift and that there is nothing wrong with it. Parents should also teach their innies how to balance and assess their social time, that they might need to recharge themselves before joining any social activities.

What we have done is tell the kids to bring books when we're going anywhere where there will be social functions or where they might get bored. I'm not sure if that really caters to an innie's need for solitude, maybe not fully, but at least partially. Realistically, it's kind of difficult to cater to each child's different needs when you are living in a foreign country where you don't have family members to drop your lone child off at when the rest of the family needs to go somewhere that lone child doesn't want to go to.


9. Introverts Are Refreshingly Modest

Innies do not like to be the center of attention. They prefer to be in the background. In this extovert world, in a typical classroom, innies might not be among those who raise their hands excitedly unable to keep their answer in their mouths much longer. Innies might not be among those who are antsy to go to the front of the class and be in the school play. Innies might not be among those who are eager to do show and tell. However, they might be among those who enjoy working in a project and contribute to group projects in a way that doesn't force them to be in the limelight. In fact, receiving attention might even make them uncomfortable.

So as parents to innie children, let them know it's okay to not want to be in the limelight. On the other hand, innies do like to be acknowledged for their accomplishments, so make sure their little achievements are praised in private.


10.Introverts Develop Healthy Habits

Because Innies know how to stop and smell the roses, they are generally more prone to pay attention to their health. They avoid taking high risk 'adventures' that usually land extrovertsin trouble. They are also not the Type A kind of person, so naturally Innies have more longevity.

Studies have shown that some personality traits affect health, and innies are able to say no to themselves, better disciplined in taking care of themselves and manage illnesses better than extroverts. I see this in myself in contrast to hubby. Hubby would go all out in his sports activities, even if it meant he would fall and hurt himself, where I would always be the timid one, well let's put it in a nicer way (for me) : the more cautious one. I would also be more strict on putting myself to bed at a certain time because I know that if I don't have enough sleep I would not function well, whereas he would be flexible in his sleeping time and just 'manage' even with red bloodshot eyes. This has been a self struggle for me to be honest, as I need to sleep on time, yet that is the only time I have to spend with him. However, my lack of sleep has taken a toll on me recently, and I have managed to put myself to sleep on time these past few weeks regardless of hubby's turning in time. I had to sacrifice time with him in order to get my 'health' back because if I lose my 'health', I would be no good to anyone in this family.

As parents of Innies, you need to encourage these healthy behaviors in your innies. Sometimes innies will say they want to go to bed, and I've had this happen with N, but sometimes she does refuse to go to bed early despite looking like a zombie. One suggestion that the author offers is to talk to them about why their bodies need certain foods to encourage them to eat healthier.


11. Introverts Are good Citizens

Innies are said to generally have strong inner values (religious), and are more cautious, so they are probably less likely to break rules. Innies often think before they act, say no to themselves, and are guided by their inner compasses. So as parents, we should acknowledge these qualities in our innie children.


12.Introverts Are Good Friends

The author says that because innies are usually not everybody's friends, they tend to preserve the friends that they do have longer and better. Innies are said to be loyal, caring, and sensitive to others' feelings. They make take time to warm up but once they do, it's there to stay.

So generally, these innie children should be told of these hidden gifts, and not forced to turn into extroverts. Rather, they should be encouraged to utilize and manage their introvert gifts to thrive in this extrovert world. The author also suggests talking to children about different temperaments, so they would appreciate differences in people, and also maybe provide them with interpersonal skills. I personally think that this is a good way to train children to be tolerant of other people, especially those that are different from them. An applicable way of doing this is to discuss the temperaments of book characters for example. Winnie the Pooh, is he an innie or an outie? Piglet? Tigger? Definitely an outie. Eeyore? Definitely an innie.

Both extroverts and introverts have good and bad qualities and gifts, hidden or apparent, and both extroverts and introverts need to learn to use their introvert and extrovert sides. I find this book to be very refreshing, as I personally have struggled in the extrovert world, and once I became a parent, I also found myself struggling with my introvert kids.

After receiving comments from people about my children's reserved nature, I finally came to my own conclusion that being quiet is not bad in itself, and that we don't all have to be like that. Ahh..if only I was told that when I was a child. So I told my children that it is okay to not be like other kids, to the point that S responded to me, when I praised her for being 'cooperative' in her STEP class by participating in class discussions,

"I don't really care."

She didn't really care about being 'normal' in a classroom setting, but just did it because her teacher and I talked about it and decided that she has to 'cooperate'. I then sat her down and made a deal that she would raise her hand twice a month at least to fulfill this requirement, but that privately, I don't really mind that she doesn't. After dealing to the point of frustration with this issue, both her and myself, I made sure I told them that they don't have to be like other kids. That they're not weird. I realized that my children do have rich inner lives and that they do get along with people they are well acquainted with. I have also learned not to mind people's comments and unwanted advice so much, for I have also come to realize, even before reading this book, that we introverts do have a lot to offer the world, but in our own ways.

And from an Islamic perspective, all these different temperaments and personalities are celebrated, as apparent in the ayah, because each temperament has its own strengths, and it's those strengths that we should focus upon to derive the most benefit, for Allah created all the differences so we could get to know one another and benefit from one another. Subhanallah!