A Myriad of Possibilities

"They said that you should apply for grad school if we want to continue to stay here."

I had considered grad school before, maybe once, maybe twice, but the thought of going to school with kids at home brought me back to my undergrad days, where I spent two years of undergraduate life with two pregnancies and two daughters.

The experience might not be the same as a working mother, but I would say it's a totally different experience altogether. And before anyone says there are Ph.D mothers who do the same thing, let's remember that the requirements for an undergraduate studies are very different from that of graduate programs (where family is somewhat expected and considered).

S wasn't fully breastfed because my pumping experience was horrendous. N alhamdulillah was fully breastfed since our loads were somewhat lighter towards our senior years, but her delivery was right in the midst of midterms and group projects. Not fun.

Thinking back, I somewhat feel bad for not being there 100% with S and N, especially S, whom we dropped from one babysitter to the next, and whom we swaddled really tightly so she would sleep and I could study and complete my programming assignments.

Only H received my full mothering. The thought of leaving them again rather rattled me, in a way. I can't leave Baby Z, even though he's pretty big now. No. Not with his allergies, and those wonderful early years...I can't miss that!

"What about the kids?"

"We can send them to Sunrise, if it's here."

I'm stubborn. I still want to homeschool them. But how can I, if I go to school? I can barely handle it now.

I started looking into graduate programs, and I made istikharah.

I can't. I just can't.

So here I am, doing job searches for hubby, until my eyes are glazed over. We have roughly 6 more months till we have to leave if he doesn't get anything.

Rabbana aatina fi dunya hasanah wa fil aakhirati hasanah wa qina 'adhzaab annaar. Ameen.

Unmotivated Child

I was reading a back issue of Home Education Magazine, and came across a question-answer article titled Stifled by Excellence. The questioner was a homeschooling dad who is troubled by his unmotivated 13 year old daughter who has been homeschooled by her mother who is a perfectionist. Her mother has given up in pushing her daughter to 'do school', and handed over the task to the father. The father was asking how he could change his daughter to have crave learning.

The problem sounds a little bit like the problem I was having with my kids, who would groan whenever I tell them to 'do school'. I had read about how 'public-school-at-home' deemed as homeschooling is actually detrimental to the status of traditional homeschooling in America, but in the chaos of 'schooling' my kids, I had not enough time to ponder over the matter. I knew in the depths of my heart that the 'school' I was imposing on my children are in a way making them hate 'learning'. In this way, they are no different than kids who go to school. But I was too caught up in worries of not having official records to show for their schooling when we go back to Malaysia, if we do (which I hope not for simplicity's sake- with regards to their schooling). Plus, hubby said that we could not afford to homeschool them the traditional way, and to keep doing the 'umbrella program' because the computer and other materials are free. So I did stick with it, until recently, thanks to the arrival of Baby Z, who made me rethink everything, and research everything again, with fresh eyes, and a new open mind.

The advice given to this problem is that of common sense. Well, it seems common sense to me now, at least. Instead of focusing to change the child, the father is advised to change himself first, build a relationship with his daughter, let his daughter pursue and discover her interests, and allow her to make mistakes. And instead of focusing on perfection and doing school, she should be allowed to explore the world at her own pace so she might discover her true interests. A love of learning is developed when it is not forced. That is true. I can say that from observation of my children and my own experience.

This morning, the three kids and I went out to play tennis, while Baby Z napped at home, with hubby to watch him. After tennis, which was not that productive because the morning was somewhat hot since we went a little late, around 10 am, so we headed for the library. Since the kids were already engrossed in their little 'research' and Powerpoint presentations, they were excited when I told them they could check out books. I grabbed my reserved book from the reserve shelf, and looked for the kids in the children's section.

They were nowhere to be seen. Suffice it to say, I was a little concerned, and headed for the van, thinking that they might be there, but they were not. So I went back to the library, and looked for them again. In my head, I was already thinking of child abduction. Lo and behold, I found them in the non fiction aisle in the adult section. The library had recently revamped its aisles, so all the non fiction books were put in the adult section.

I held my tongue, which was about to say,

"Where'd you guys go?! I was looking for you!"

Worry is commonly replaced by anger once the cause for worry is gone, isn't it? Especially when it concerns your loved ones.

I truly think the unschooling concept about allowing children to explore their own interest has a lot of merit. I already see it in action in my kids now. Alhamdulillah.

I also read another article about homeschoolers worrying about formal credentials. It was interesting to note that this is what most people worry about when considering unschooling in the complete sense. (The definition of unschooling plays an important role in this discussion). In the article, it was said that formal credentials such as degrees, diplomas, certificates and such are so prestigious today that none will dare to question their worth. However, in essence, when looking for a job, informal credentials are what will distinguish you from all the other people with the same formal credentials. Plus, it makes more sense to hone your strengths in developing your informal credentials than to put your nose to the grindstone to gather the formal credentials, while not knowing what your true interests are. This was true for me. I went into my major, just like everybody else, not having my heart in it, but only doing so because it was the normal thing to do.

Nevertheless, it doesn't hurt to attain those formal credentials if you already know your interests beforehand. I only attained 'formal credentials' in my areas of interests after I graduated from college. I won't say my time in college is a waste, because it was what has shaped me into who I am today, but you have to admit that there are some things in life that you could have approached in a better way in order to optimize and maximize the output, here and in the hereafter.

To Go or Not To Go?

That is the question.

Hubby still wants to go to the Midwest Games. I don't want to, for many reasons, but my reasons are strengthened especially after reading the ruling about playing soccer and games in general.

The kids want to go, but I told them yesterday,

"These are my reasons:

1. The fatwa says competition is not allowed in anything except archery, swimming, camel and horse races, because they are for the purposes of jihad.
2. Will the trip be blessed then if we go, considering the nature of the Midwest Games.
3. Abi cannot even go to the masjid anymore with his crutches but he wants to go the 7 hour drive there
4. If the trip is not blessed, I don't want you kids involved
5. If we go, since Abi can't do anything, I have to do everything."

We agreed that if hubby still wants to go he can go by himself, without us. I prayed istikharah yesterday, and the kids know this.

Even though they badly want to go, when I explained my reasons, they agreed.

Hubby then mentioned his reason, and my suspicion was confirmed; he wants to go because he wants to participate, and the kids know this too. The only reason I agreed to go in the first place was because it would give us a chance to listen to the audio lectures in that long trip, and we would get somewhat of a 'vacation' on the side. However, it does not seem beneficial to me anymore, especially after reading that ruling, which actually leaves my heart at an unease since H has been in the soccer league for a few years now.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal indeed. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't have been pressed to seek it out in the first place. Thanks finie.

So, to go or not to go? If it is good for me, Allah will bless it and facilitate it, if not, Allah will remove it from me. Oh Allah please give us guidance. Oh Allah please give me patience and wisdom to handle this. Ameen.

Iman

"Why doesn't N read the Quran?"

S asked this morning, right after she was done reading the Quran with hubby. I was slumped against the bookshelf, still in my prayer garment, and N was prostrate with sleepiness on the floor.

I snapped.

"S, don't be like that. It's not a good trait to have. If you read the Quran you get reward from Allah. It's not a punishment. If N doesn't read it, she's the one who's losing. If you want her to read it because you want her to get the reward too, it's very good, but the way you keep asking is as if you read it, then everyone else has to read it too."

Believing in the ghaib. That's probably what's lacking. At this age, maybe they don't appreciate the fact that everytime they do a good deed, they get oodles of points, or maybe they should, and if they should, then it's me who is lacking in my responsibility of teaching them. (Now we know the solution, don't we? Sigh)

Baby Z has been on a biting rampage ever since he attained four pearly whites, and I have been the one suffering as a result. I don't remember being bitten so much with H, or the girls. On top of biting when he's done nursing, which is usually not done on purpose, he also buries his face in my lap and starts biting whatever flesh he can get between his top and bottom incisors. However, that doesn't bother me as much as him biting his source of milk.

My doctor's words kept playing in my head,

"I stopped nursing mine at 13 months because I was tired of being bitten. You don't have to feel like you have to breastfeed him longer you know."

Hubby was not too happy with that piece of unsolicited advice.

As I lay on my side, nursing him one day, I thought to myself,

"I have less than a year to go inshaallah. Oh Allah, please make him one of the righteous who will benefit the ummah."

Belief in the ghaib. That's what keeps us going.

Life Skills Overlooked

One of the books in my stack of library books is Help for the Harried Homeschooler. Although catered for Christians, apparent from the quoted verses of the Bible, I find the values to be similar.

I was particularly struck by one section talking about how to handle homeschooling in the midst of moving. The author appeases anticipated worries of homeschoolers over their children missing out on academical learning during the process of moving by highlighting the advantage of learning life skills.

I have to say, even though I have changed my mindset with regards to approaching learning, I am still a schooler at heart. It has been too ingrained in most of us, that it's kind of difficult to view non academic learning as learning. So I would be one of the homeschoolers addressed in that section.

It made me ponder, though. Life skills; labelling packed boxes, observing the process of changing addresses, organizing boxes, and everything else associated with moving, definitely are important skills too. This has truly been an enlightening journey for me, to discover and rediscover, and step outside the box, and see schooling and learning from a different perspective.

Mothers sometimes spare their daughters from any work in the kitchen or house because their daughters have to spend the time studying so they will get good grades, and achieve what the mothers never got to achieve when they were growing up. I won't get into this issue, but just wanted to put it out there, again.

Why do we often overlook life skills? Life skills are important, and I always found myself stressing over the kids not learning anything academic, thereby overlooking all the learning they are going through in our daily lives. Is academic the only thing that matters now? You still have to know how to manage a house, the car, yourself, your surroundings.

Homeschooling provides more than an education. It provides the tools to live life, inshaallah. When the children are not learning anything that seems academic, they are not 'not doing anything beneficial'. Their play are medium for learning, and it is this freedom to live life naturally that homeschooling provides. Domestic skills are very low nowadays, and from my observation, most women now are often at a loss at home, and this is when they exclaim at their stay-at-home mothers counterparts,

"I don't know how you can stay home! I'd go crazy!"

We have been trained and raised to value academics over life skills, such that most women nowadays are lacking the skills needed to fulfill their natural roles in the society. May we not make the same mistake, for our girls and our boys, inshaallah.

We'll Die Muslims

May 11, 2008, yesterday, Mother's Day. It was a rainy Sunday, and I was quite disappointed not being able to have our usual Tennis Sunday. Hubby went back to sleep, and I bustled in the kitchen.

As hubby was doing the dishes after lunch, the tornado siren went off. I turned to look at the kids, and S's expression was that of bewilderment.

"But it's not Wednesday..." she said, referring to the weekly drill usually on Wednesday noons.

"Turn on the TV! Turn on the TV!"

We turned it on. Thinking back, it's pretty funny how we seem to have gotten out of touch with the television. I found myself fumbling with the remote, not remembering which button was for what.

We saw an area of dark red surrounded by yellow and then green. It was to the north of us though.

The kids huddled around the TV, and H exclaimed,

"Let's take cover!"

"No, we have to pray Zuhr first," I said, seeing that the storm was moving northeast, and we were safely to the southeast of it, alhamdulillah, though of course, a funnel cloud can easily form elsewhere with no warning.

"Make du'a," I said, as they chattered rather excitedly about the prospect of a tornado coming our way.

"We should take our wallets...you know, in case everything else is destroyed," H offered a slice of wisdom. As he said that, he looked around the living room.

"Where should we go?"

"In the office, under the stairs, since we don't have a basement," I said.

"You can go and nap under the stairs," suggested hubby, as after Zuhr is their naptime. We have taken to having them take naps because they wake up for Fajr and stay up till Isha, which are respectively becoming earlier and later as we approach summer.

N readily took her pillow, with an assortment of her cuddly toy cats, and headed for the storage room under the stairs we call the 'office', or what used to be my office.

Alhamdulillah though, even though they kept the siren on for a good while, the storm had moved northeast and away from us, and we napped the afternoon away, biiznillah. I remember saying the du'a for rain earlier in the morning as I nursed baby Z for his morning nap. Subhanallah, the kids had forgotten the du'a for when there is thunderstorm. That should be something we should work on next inshaallah.

Later on in the day, H said to me,

"S had a good dream about tornado. Maybe that means we're gonna die Muslims!"

I couldn't help smiling yet rendered speechless by this analysis of H's. He seemed to at ease with the issue of death, and his pleasure to die as a Muslim was rather refreshing. I'm not sure if he truly understood, but, well, maybe he does, in his own way. Maybe he does, mashaallah.

At night, S said, as she lay in bed, while I tidied up the computer table,

"Today was Mother's Day. Maybe the tornado was because Allah was angry at them."

"For what?" I asked, rummaging in the semi darkness for scattered pens and markers strewn across the table.

"For celebrating Mother's Day," she continued.

Again, I was speechless.

"Erm...I don't know about that," I replied.

This morning, I read this on the news. Allahu Akbar, Alhamdulillah for protecting us from such destruction. I remember the days in Iowa when we would be visited by potential funnel clouds, especially in the summer. I have witnessed hail, which completely left my small flower garden in a beautiful yet destructed state, and alhamdulillah not more.

Miscellaneous

Alhamdulillah life post OHVA is lighter and freer. Almost every morning now, if the sun is out and shining, I send the kids outside, and tell them to take Baby Z along. No, I don't get to really sit down and have coffee and read the morning newspaper, but I can now tidy up the house, take a shower and sit down at the computer in an empty household. However, I have started telling them to make sure the house is tidy before they dash outside to frolic in the morning sun. It's very frustrating to be doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast and walk into a messy living room or rooms, and no one to hail to do my bidding. As I struggle to complete writing my article assignments, I also struggle finding time to sit down long enough without being interrupted by a baby needing to nurse, a baby dropped in the living room as his sibs return back outside to continue their outdoor play, and a set of rowdy children banging the door behind them as they barrel in the front door.

Not so much freedom for me, but alhamdulillah baby Z's eczema seems to have abated significantly ever since his nap schedule became regular.

Since I wasn't that busy logging in hours, attendance, checking lesson progress, and dealing with a myriad of issues pertaining to the OLS of OHVA, I've been able to actually nurse Baby Z in peace, albeit it being an hour straight at a time. We're all much much happier now, and I've even started to take interest in baking again.

I coaxed them to bake something for themselves, and one day they made meringue cookies. Yesterday they made cookies to make ice cream sandwiches with. As for me, I baked myself my Namaste Carrot Cake again, but this time using Ener-G egg replacer, hoping for a normal cake. Alas, I seem to have taken the cake out too soon, and all I got was a gummy, spice-laden carrot cale. At least, I think that's the problem. Nevertheless, I'm only more determined to experiment until I get it right. So I'm inshaallah going to play around with cake recipes or if I'm lucky, after doing more reading on the chemistry revolving different kinds of flours, I might come up with my own recipe.

H had his last soccer game of the season this morning. He scored a goal, and the weather was really pleasant too, allahu akbar. I had boiled some corn for them this morning and we brought the whole pot with us. As usual, hubby stood on the sidelines and churned out shouts after shouts of encouragement, commands, comments, and amused disappointment throughout the whole game. S was busy chomping on a corn, and calmly, she asked her father,

"Wanna a corn?"

"No, not now. I'm shouting," he replied, not taking his eyes off the players on the field.

"That's why he needs the corn," S said to me, and I burst into laughter.

We finally bought gates to put at the kids' doorway, the kitchen hallway, and the front door hallway today. The house hasn't been child-proofed for Baby Z, as I anticipated moving out, but it's not happening anytime soon it seems. Handy S and H set up the gates, much to their parents' pleasure, especially hubby's. He wasn't that enthusiastic about putting them up, but alhamdulillah we have some handykids around. Proud of their handiness they are too!

As for me, I am still buried under the task of reading my high stack of books, and have yet to finish my writing assignments, which has been driving me crazy to say the least. I just realized that I have only spent Ramadan in Malaysia in my 'childhood', since I came here at the age of 20 and have spent Ramadan here ever since. I have never experienced Ramadan as a wife and mother in my home country. How sad is that? Nevertheless, it sure has some perks too, alhamdulillah.

And alhamdulillah, my lengthy nursing times in the room have been spent listening to Anwar Awlaki's Umar Ibn A-Khattab, and suffice it to say, it has infused me in this ethereal world of the sahaba. Even Baby Z looks forward to the lecture whenever it's time to nurse for his naps and bedtimes. Life with Baby Z is much much more enjoyable now, especially because I'm finally able to relax into a schedule that is more like the one I'm used to when S, N, and H were younger.

Without the pressure and hassle of OHVA, life seems much more relaxing. Plus, the weather is still spring-like, though the flowers on the trees have mostly dispersed, leaving the trees green, making it look more like summer.

Inshaallah it seems like I'm taking the next Almaghrib class: Seerah, the Shepherd's Path in mid June, even though I said I probably won't. Circumstances inshaallah have changed such that it would be quite possible for us to do it with less hassle than before, bi iznillah. I look forward to this class.
So now, before I feel like I have wasted my time yet again on the computer, while two writing assignments are yet to be finished, I'd better sign off, and wait till much later before I finish up those 4 drafts sitting in my blogger account. Plus, I have a one year old who is starting to wail because he is probably bored because all his sibs have left him with his mother who is on the computer typing away, and hubby, as he does every Saturday evening, has gone off to play soccer. A mother never gets to completely rest, does she? In Jannah inshaallah, in jannah.

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child

I was browsing the shelf in the non fiction section of the library when I saw 'The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child' on the spine of a book. With my right index finger, I pulled the book out of its resting place by the top part of its spine. With a load of books stuffed in Baby Z's stroller basket, I wheeled him and the books back to the children's section where hubby and the kids were waiting .

I was having problems of demotivation in N, which has been driving me crazy, and that is such an understatement. I knew she was different than the other two. I knew she needed special attention. But I have failed to give her that special attention, time and time again, because of all the hustle and bustle a 'school-at-home' creates, unfortunately. I have been pressured to rush her to finish her lessons, and I think, in a way, it has demotivated her because no matter how fast she does her work, she'll always be slower than the other two.

It's interesting to read that in schools, 'speed' is usually associated with 'smart'.I know that only too well, especially in math. It's also interesting to note that Math is not an introvert's strong point. I know that only too well too. I had requested that H be moved up to 3rd grade Language Arts so I could teach him and N at the same level at the same time, but whenever we do comprehension and I ask the questions, H would always be the first one to answer, while N lingers, still thinking of the question. I had once stopped doing Language Arts with them both. They had to be separated because H's speed seemed to be burying N's insights.

Introverts need enough sleep and cannot function well without it. Sure, this is true for most people, but introverts have a harder time with it. I can say that from experience, and from contrasting hubby's and my sleep requirements.

Introverts become drained being around people, even if they enjoy that social occasion. I have always thought myself strange and weird, believing that maybe I needed to change myself. I did notice that I always am exhausted after entertaining people in my home, and if hubby were to suggest me calling someone on the phone right away after that, I would fend off the suggestion and say,

"I'm really tired. I don't feel like talking to anyone for hours again."

Extroverts on the other hand, derive energy from being around people. They need to be around people, and can't stand being alone too much. Introverts need their own space to recharge.

The author talks about how the brains of introverts and extroverts work differently, which contributes to the different temperaments. As I was reading this, I thought about the four temperaments or personalities mentioned in the Quran in Surah An-Nisaa [4:69]:

	.

69: Muhsin Khan: And whoso obeys Allah and the Messenger (Muhammad SAW), then they will be in the company of those on whom Allah has bestowed His Grace, of the Prophets, the Siddiqun (those followers of the Prophets who were first and foremost to believe in them, like Abu Bakr As­Siddiq ÑÖì ), the martyrs, and the righteous. And how excellent these companions are!

In History of the Khulafa, taught by Muhammad Alshareef, this ayah was mentioned, and he related it to the four types of personalities: the prophets, the siddiqun (truth seeker), shuhadaa'/martyrs (physical doer), and the saaliheen/righteous (helpers). The siddiqun are those who are seekers of knowledge, love learning, and usually are on self discovery. The shuhadaa' are usually great daa'eis who are great at giving speeches, and have great personas and aura, and maybe these are the extroverts. The saaliheen are people who like to go out and help and serve other people. So, in a Muslim ummah, we can use these different personalities to do dawah by using the strengths of each personality and applying them via teamwork. Mashaallah! In our community here, among the sisters I'm around, I see these three personalities at work, mashaallah.

Obviously, the world we live in now is an extrovert world, and introverts are so often undervalued and misunderstood. Since introverts are also more sensitive and are more prone to feeling guilt and shame, they will more likely conclude that something is wrong with them, and try to be more like an extrovert. Needless to say, to exhort a an introvert child to be more like an extrovert is a huge mistake, for it will affect her self esteem in general. From experience, I have to say that is true. Teachers in school also undervalue introverts, and it's only teachers who do reach out to those introverts who are able to recognize the hidden gifts of the introverted children. I have one such teacher in elementary school, with whom I always spent my P.E. mornings in the classroom, chatting. While the rest of the class were outside, doing P.E., I stayed inside, and she would talk to me. Suffice it to say, she is my favorite teacher.

Moving on to the Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child, and how to nurture and tend to these gifts:

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child

1. Introverts Have Rich Inner Lives

Innies have a rich inner world that is filled with continuous thoughts. Their minds are always 'busy' thinking. As parents and adults dealing with introverts, we should help introvert children express these thoughts and feelings, so they realize the depth and richness of their interiority. Introverts tend to do their own thing instead of swaying with 'the other prairie grass'. I do notice that a lot in N. She will do her own thing regardless of what other kids are doing. But adults need to bring out these rich minds so these innie kids will learn to trust and value their own thoughts, rather than think that maybe they should be like the other 'normal' kids.

On the other hand, this busy inner world can make them feel alone, as they are very capable of reflections and looking into themselves and thinking 'big stuff'. Having one-on-one conversations with them where we tell them our thoughts and ask for their responses would make them feel less isolated. As an Innie myself, I can affirm that I do truly enjoy one-on-one conversations with people who do show a genuine interest, like my dear elementary school teacher I mentioned above. I have also noticed that N takes to people who do show an interest rather easily. She expresses her delight in them coming over, and can be very compassionate and thoughtful in ways you would never expect.

Hooking them up with pen-pals would also help them express their thoughts and feelings while giving them enough space and time to respond. Innies can take some time to respond, as their brains take a longer pathway to process information. So as adults, we should pause while waiting for them to respond to us, and not rush them. A constant reminder for me when dealing with N.


2. Innies Know How to Smell the Roses

Definitely. Hubby is an extrovert. Well at least I think he lies on the extrovert end of the spectrum. He is also the Type A kind of person, which has affected us all as a family in many ways. Our motto seems to be, "Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!". I have learned to live with this lifestyle over the years, but apparently, it has proved to be too much for N, who is always the last one to get ready, and would always be rushed everywhere we go. It's exasperating to us, but from her perspective, I suppose it's exasperating having to rush all the time too!

When I do spend time with N, just her and and Baby Z, the world does seem quieter and slower. Once hubby, S and H enter through the front door though, our quiet and slow-moving world is often crushed by the fast-paced world again. So I do truly savor those quiet and relaxing moments with N.

Innies notice details that most other people just pass by without thinking about. They tend to relish the little things in life that busy people overlook. So in a way, introverted children bring life to a family by bringing in the rich little pleasures that Allah has created for us to reflect upon and enjoy. So, as parents, we should slow down and learn to smell the roses with our innie children. Maybe, Allah gave us innies so we would stop and smell the roses! Subhanallah...

3. Innies Have a Love of Learning

So you can tell that having an innie child for a homeschooler is actually a pleasure and maybe a boon! I always find myself having inner conversations in my head, which sometimes, embarassingly escape auditorily. I was caught having a conversation with myself by my parents, in the bathroom, in front of a mirror, much to my horror and embarasment. I still have those conversations today, and sometimes, my kids might catch me mouthing words with facial expressions to match.

"Ummi's talking to herself again!" they would say.

I see that in N too. I would hear her talking to herself in a very soft voice. Since we're all so busy to mind her, it's kind of difficult to notice her doing this unless you're in the room just with her, or she happens to pass by you while she's doing this.

In the book, the author says that Innies generally have a love for writing and reading, and a high precentage of them goes to college, as their learning style fits those required in higher education. Ns forte is writing, and I did figure out, even before reading the book, that one way to effectively communicate with her is through writing. I find that true for me too. I find writing to be a better way of expressing how I feel to people than verbal conversation. Ever since the kids have an email account, I would sometimes send them email. Hubby would scoff,

"Why do you email them? Just tell them. You're already at home with them!"

He emails them from his office. I laugh at his remark, but I do it because I know that sometimes it's hard to say what you feel in spoken words. On the other hand, once you get an innie to talk about a topic he has an interest in, it's like turning on an 'information fountain', as termed by the author. I think my friends would concur with that with regards to me and my lengthy emails.

So as parents, we should encourage this trait in our innies by paying attention to what he is interested in and going to the library to find books on those topics. You could also talk with them about the books they are reading. They need an outlet for all this inner information milling about in their minds.


4. Introverts Think Outside the Box

The author says that innies are creative problem solvers. They in short, are able to think of creative ways to solve problems. I have done the sit, discuss problem and brainstorm solutions process with the kids. Thinking back, I suppose N does have a lot of good ideas. It always amazes you how a quiet person can contribute in mind-blowing ways, and that is very true with regards to N.

In order to appreciate this gift in an innie, parents can ask their opinions on a dilemma. Parents should also help them use this gift to solve their own problems, by maybe asking them to draw a picture, write poetry or story to express their thoughts and feelings that are troubling. You could also be very surprised at what you see in this inner world of you innie child!

Indeed I have received more than a glimpse of N's inner world through her poems and stories and continuous drawings. It is mind-blowing to say the least.


5. Introverts Excel in the Creative Arts

Being creative is strongly related to the ability to think outside the box and having a rich inner world. Introverts are found in artists, dancers, musicians, writers. As a child, I was discouraged from dabbling much in drawing or painting, though I found it very enjoyable and therapeutic. I felt that drawing and painting enables me to escape from this world that sometimes feel constricting into my own world. I think it might be the same for N too. Subhanallah...no wonder she spends so much time drawing, doodling, and writing poems and stories.

As parents, we should encourage these creative expressions in our innies by making accessible arts supplies, taking them to flea markets, etc, and allow them freedom to create without criticism. I used to enjoy my visits to my grandfather's house, who was an art teacher. Every time I visit, he would take out art supplies, and I would paint to my heart's content. He would show me how to mix the paint colors to get the right tone and shade, and how to do the strokes on paper. In school though, I seldom get A for artwork, because I always felt constricted by what we had to draw. I always felt that I wanted the freedom to draw whatever I wanted to draw, and not what someone wanted me to draw. The only A I received I think, was on a potato stamping print that I did. Now, my drawing days are 97% over, and writing has taken over.


6. Introverts Have a High Emotional IQ

A woman dropped her carton of eggs, resulting in a huge mess of yolks and slippery egg whites on the floor of a local grocery store. We happened to walk past the lady, when I suddenly noticed N;s facial expression. She had seen the woman drop her eggs, and as I watched N, her face took on an expression emanating empathy to the point that she looked like she was about to cry. I quickly told hubby, and hubby asked N,

"You're sad that the woman dropped her eggs, N?"

I believe N nodded.

Another time, she offered to give our neighbor one of her favorite toy in return for that neighbor sharing with us their food. I was surprised by her generosity.

Innies are emphatic by nature, and may be wise well before their years. The author says though that the brain's emotional center is thelast to fully develop, so the parents should help nurture this skill over a longer period of time. So basically, acknowledge these traits in our innies and encourage it, for emotional IQ is a kind of intelligence that is crucial to a person's well being, more than the kind of intelligence mostly talked about now today.


7. Introverts are Gifted at the Art of Conversation

Contrary to the myths of introverts being shy, not good at working in groups, introverts are gifted at the art of conversation. They might not be gregarious in a gruop setting, and may seem reserved, but from personal experience an observations, introverts do take some time to warm up to people. My mother told me about my younger sister, how she may seem reserved and aloof, but once she gets to know a person, she is very amiable.

All my children are like this. They are slow to warm up to new people, and it may take a whole visit for them to actually hook up with our new guests, and at the time that the guests have to leave, only do they begin to appear animated. I was like this too. In my adulthood, I have learned to overcome this trait by training myself to be bubbly, though it can be exhausting.

Introverts have a lot to say when they are allowed time to get comfortable and say it. When having a chat with N, I find myself blown away by her insights and thoughts, mashaallah. You would never know all of this is going on inside her quiet self. Though I should know better since I am an introvert myself. Introverts usually make very good friends because they remember what friends say, keep confidences and pick up cues.

The author says that innies excel in one-on-one relationships and often choose careers that rely on it. As parents, we should help our innies better their conversational skills by complimenting these abilities in them, their ability to listen, pick up cues, remember what people say, being genuinely interested in people, and having deep conversations. Having written that, I do realize that I have tried so hard to be 'like other people' that sometimes I don't remember what friends say and have trouble keeping up with personal relationships on a one-on-one basis. Subhanallah.
You learn something new everyday, don't you?


8. Introverts Enjoy their Own Company

"The good thing is, she knows how to entertain herself," was what the psychiatrist said to my dad, when my dad referred me to his friend for 'evaluation', because I was the 'trouble child' who doesn't speak much to my family members.

N spends a lot of time by herself, and it doesn't bother her one bit. Introverts enjoy solitude. I can attest to that wholeheartedly, which sometimes or okay I admit, most of the time envelop me with guilt, when people keep calling me to have a chat. Most of the time, I don't really feel like talking. I would rather be stuck at home doing my own thing.

In a way it is liberating not to depend on being around people to have fun, and this is what parents should cherish in their innie children. Tell your innies that enjoying one's own company is a gift and that there is nothing wrong with it. Parents should also teach their innies how to balance and assess their social time, that they might need to recharge themselves before joining any social activities.

What we have done is tell the kids to bring books when we're going anywhere where there will be social functions or where they might get bored. I'm not sure if that really caters to an innie's need for solitude, maybe not fully, but at least partially. Realistically, it's kind of difficult to cater to each child's different needs when you are living in a foreign country where you don't have family members to drop your lone child off at when the rest of the family needs to go somewhere that lone child doesn't want to go to.


9. Introverts Are Refreshingly Modest

Innies do not like to be the center of attention. They prefer to be in the background. In this extovert world, in a typical classroom, innies might not be among those who raise their hands excitedly unable to keep their answer in their mouths much longer. Innies might not be among those who are antsy to go to the front of the class and be in the school play. Innies might not be among those who are eager to do show and tell. However, they might be among those who enjoy working in a project and contribute to group projects in a way that doesn't force them to be in the limelight. In fact, receiving attention might even make them uncomfortable.

So as parents to innie children, let them know it's okay to not want to be in the limelight. On the other hand, innies do like to be acknowledged for their accomplishments, so make sure their little achievements are praised in private.


10.Introverts Develop Healthy Habits

Because Innies know how to stop and smell the roses, they are generally more prone to pay attention to their health. They avoid taking high risk 'adventures' that usually land extrovertsin trouble. They are also not the Type A kind of person, so naturally Innies have more longevity.

Studies have shown that some personality traits affect health, and innies are able to say no to themselves, better disciplined in taking care of themselves and manage illnesses better than extroverts. I see this in myself in contrast to hubby. Hubby would go all out in his sports activities, even if it meant he would fall and hurt himself, where I would always be the timid one, well let's put it in a nicer way (for me) : the more cautious one. I would also be more strict on putting myself to bed at a certain time because I know that if I don't have enough sleep I would not function well, whereas he would be flexible in his sleeping time and just 'manage' even with red bloodshot eyes. This has been a self struggle for me to be honest, as I need to sleep on time, yet that is the only time I have to spend with him. However, my lack of sleep has taken a toll on me recently, and I have managed to put myself to sleep on time these past few weeks regardless of hubby's turning in time. I had to sacrifice time with him in order to get my 'health' back because if I lose my 'health', I would be no good to anyone in this family.

As parents of Innies, you need to encourage these healthy behaviors in your innies. Sometimes innies will say they want to go to bed, and I've had this happen with N, but sometimes she does refuse to go to bed early despite looking like a zombie. One suggestion that the author offers is to talk to them about why their bodies need certain foods to encourage them to eat healthier.


11. Introverts Are good Citizens

Innies are said to generally have strong inner values (religious), and are more cautious, so they are probably less likely to break rules. Innies often think before they act, say no to themselves, and are guided by their inner compasses. So as parents, we should acknowledge these qualities in our innie children.


12.Introverts Are Good Friends

The author says that because innies are usually not everybody's friends, they tend to preserve the friends that they do have longer and better. Innies are said to be loyal, caring, and sensitive to others' feelings. They make take time to warm up but once they do, it's there to stay.

So generally, these innie children should be told of these hidden gifts, and not forced to turn into extroverts. Rather, they should be encouraged to utilize and manage their introvert gifts to thrive in this extrovert world. The author also suggests talking to children about different temperaments, so they would appreciate differences in people, and also maybe provide them with interpersonal skills. I personally think that this is a good way to train children to be tolerant of other people, especially those that are different from them. An applicable way of doing this is to discuss the temperaments of book characters for example. Winnie the Pooh, is he an innie or an outie? Piglet? Tigger? Definitely an outie. Eeyore? Definitely an innie.

Both extroverts and introverts have good and bad qualities and gifts, hidden or apparent, and both extroverts and introverts need to learn to use their introvert and extrovert sides. I find this book to be very refreshing, as I personally have struggled in the extrovert world, and once I became a parent, I also found myself struggling with my introvert kids.

After receiving comments from people about my children's reserved nature, I finally came to my own conclusion that being quiet is not bad in itself, and that we don't all have to be like that. Ahh..if only I was told that when I was a child. So I told my children that it is okay to not be like other kids, to the point that S responded to me, when I praised her for being 'cooperative' in her STEP class by participating in class discussions,

"I don't really care."

She didn't really care about being 'normal' in a classroom setting, but just did it because her teacher and I talked about it and decided that she has to 'cooperate'. I then sat her down and made a deal that she would raise her hand twice a month at least to fulfill this requirement, but that privately, I don't really mind that she doesn't. After dealing to the point of frustration with this issue, both her and myself, I made sure I told them that they don't have to be like other kids. That they're not weird. I realized that my children do have rich inner lives and that they do get along with people they are well acquainted with. I have also learned not to mind people's comments and unwanted advice so much, for I have also come to realize, even before reading this book, that we introverts do have a lot to offer the world, but in our own ways.

And from an Islamic perspective, all these different temperaments and personalities are celebrated, as apparent in the ayah, because each temperament has its own strengths, and it's those strengths that we should focus upon to derive the most benefit, for Allah created all the differences so we could get to know one another and benefit from one another. Subhanallah!

The Fragile Yet Radiant Flower That is N

Muhsin Khan: Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allah! With Him is a great reward (Paradise). Surah at-Taghaaboon [64:15]

Nothing speeds up your growing up process than being a parent or guardian over someone. Becoming a parent for me, has made me wiser. I believe there is a reason why Allah made me a mother at the age of 19, considering my childish nature.

Whatever hardships or difficulties we face are like anaerobic exercises. They strengthen us from deep within. When you're doing that 10th or 12th repetition of the set, your arms begin to shake, your face crumples up in agony, and within you, you scream,

"I can't do this anymore!", and you bring your arms down, and breathe a huge sigh of relief. You assess your deltoids, inhale, and proceed to do the next set, completing two sets of 8-12 repetitions of upright rows.

After weeks of persisting in such a regimen, you feel stronger, and before long, your deltoid emerges beautifully, creating that slight bulge and curve that lends a well-toned look to those arms. Through the anaerobic exercises, you have put your body through some amount of suffering, yet muscles are built, resulting in a stronger you. The building comes from deep within.

Doesn't that sound very much like life's trials? You are faced with a difficulty, and you feel like screaming,

"I can't do this!"

but in essence, you know that you can, because

Muhsin Khan: Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope.....Surah Al Baqarah [2:286]


Subhanallah. Sadaqallah!

With my children and homeschooling, I have been through moments of despair, exasperation, frustration, joy, hope, determination, and pondering. I have really learned a lot about the human nature just from being a parent. Each child is an in individual, with his or her own personalities and temperaments. You can't treat them all the same. You can't treat them all differently either. As a parent, you have to use your own hikmah in doling out these individual servings of parental attention to each child.

I took N aside one morning after Fajr to my room, and coaxed her to read half a page of the Quran. I realized that she has reached a point of being demotivated, because, in the course of teaching all three of them a curriculum that is a 'one for all', her individuality has suffered from all the fast-paced school work. I was under pressure from the school and teachers, and in turn, I transferred that pressure to her, and the result is not good. It's very much like being in public school, really, which is one reason I am not really willing to share my 'homeschooling' 'experience' with anyone that much, because I don't really consider myself qualified to do so, as I was not exactly traditionally homeschooling.

That said, I do believe that all these years of 'schooling them at home' has been beneficial alhamdulillah, and I have really gleaned a lot about homeschooling. The benefits have trickled down to the kids too, alhamdulillah, as I believe I haven't really killed their passion for learning, at least maybe not that much, I hope.

The reason she has been hesitant in reading all this while is because she thinks she's slow and will never read it properly. As adults, most often, we assume things with children, not even asking their opinions and thoughts. We think that we know what's best for them, and we act accordingly. I know that mindset only too well unfortunately. Alhamdulillah though, by Allah's will, I have gotten used to asking their opinions, with the the sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam in mind. The sunnah where he would ask the children's opinions on a matter. However, we never thought to ask N the reason why she was so hesitant to read the Quran, and just assumed that she was being lazy, astaghfirullah! Nothing could be further from the truth.

"Aishah (May Allah be pleased with her) reported: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "The one who is proficient in the recitation of the Qur'an will be with the honourable and obedient scribes (angels) and he who recites the Qur'an and finds it difficult to recite, doing his best to recite it in the best way possible, will have a double reward.''
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

"N, you will get a double scoop, inshaallah, just for trying. See how much Allah loves you? Just for trying you get double scoops!"

I had a long talk with her, and was finally able to get her to read. That morning, we sat on my bed, and she read her half page, after which I read the translation of the ayah she just read. There is one thing I love about The Noble Quran; the footnotes of ahadeeth in it. The page where we were at, there was a hadeeth about the three men in a cave, the entrance blocked by a rock.

Volume 3, Book 36, Number 472: Narrated ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar: I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, “Three men from among those who were before you, set out together till they reached a cave at night and entered it. A big rock rolled down the mountain and closed the mouth of the cave. They said (to each other), Nothing could save you Tom this rock but to invoke Allah by giving referenda to the righteous deed which you have done (for Allah’s sake only).’ So, one of them said, ‘O Allah! I had old parents and I never provided my family (wife, children etc.) with milk before them. One day, by chance I was delayed, and I came late (at night) while they had slept. I milked the sheep for them and took the milk to them, but I found them sleeping. I disliked to provide my family with the milk before them. I waited for them and the bowl of milk was in my hand and I kept on waiting for them to get up till the day dawned. Then they got up and drank the milk. O Allah! If I did that for Your Sake only, please relieve us from our critical situation caused by this rock.’ So, the rock shifted a little but they could not get out.” The Prophet added, “The second man said, ‘O Allah! I had a cousin who was the dearest of all people to me and I wanted to have sexual relations with her but she refused. Later she had a hard time in a famine year and she came to me and I gave her one-hundredand- twenty Dinars on the condition that she would not resist my desire, and she agreed. When I was about to fulfill my desire, she said: It is illegal for you to outrage my chastity except by legitimate marriage. So, I thought it a sin to have sexual intercourse with her and left her though she was the dearest of all the people to me, and also I left the gold I had given her. O Allah! If I did that for Your Sake only, please relieve us from the present calamity.’ So, the rock shifted a little more but still they could not get out from there.” The Prophet added, “Then the third man said, ‘O Allah! I employed few laborers and I paid them their wages with the exception of one man who did not take his wages and went away. I invested his wages and I got much property thereby. (Then after some time) he came and said to me: O Allah’s slave! Pay me my wages. I said to him: All the camels, cows, sheep and slaves you see, are yours. He said: O Allah’s slave! Don’t mock at me. I said: I am not mocking at you. So, he took all the herd and drove them away and left nothing. O Allah! If I did that for Your Sake only, please relieve us from the present suffering.’ So, that rock shifted completely and they got out walking.

At the end of that hadeeth, I concluded that it's allowed to make du'a to Allah using our past good deeds, and, inadvertently, I made a du'a right there and then, for Allah to please make her able to read the Quran smoothly and easily.

"Can you make a du'aa out loud?" she asked me, after I was done.

The next day, she read with hubby after Fajr, and evidently, she did pretty good. As she walked past my very groggy self on the way to the door, she said,

"Ummi, your du'aa worked."

Did I say I was groggy? Well, groggy enough to say,

"Huh? What du'a?" I asked.

"The du'a yesterday. "

It was only then that I realized what she was referring to. I noticed then that her face was somewhat lit with light from within, a beautiful realization, and sense of accomplishment, and most importantly, an affirmation that Allah is All Powerful.

N is a very fragile flower whose petals can break off at the slightest nudge. Alhamdulillah for human resilience. I know her better now, inshaallah. Alhamdulillah. What may have wilted for sometime inshaallah is being nourished again, bi iznillah. Amidst the fast-paced nature of our family, N has been shut out and left behind most of the time. I always knew that, but have never been mentally or physically or emotionally able to slow down and tend to her, due to things I couldn't control. Now that we're almost done with OHVA, we are freer, happier, and inshaallah things will look up from here on.

Being tested with your children really gives you a plate full of food for thought. It makes you wiser, more mature, and more patient (though my progress here is pretty slow). Being a parent is nothing short of being a team leader in a workplace, except that it is more involved and meaningful.

May Allah endow on us parents the wisdom and acceptance of our own faults that we need to change in order to raise a new generation that will benefit the whole ummah. Ameen.

Sam the Opossum died

I was just telling the kids,

"You know, since they haven't emailed us yet about the opossum, maybe that means he's not dead yet."

But today, I received this email from the Ohio Wildlife Center.

Hi J. I am reporting back to you, per your request, regarding the Virginia opossum that you brought to our hospital on 4/11/08. Unfortunately, we simply did not get the opossum in time to successfully treat it and it died. Thank you for your efforts in bringing him in to us.

This phrase 'get the opossum in time' is going to haunt me now. Subhanallah, animals are living things just like us. We, the humans, who are endowed with minds to think should care for them when we are able to. In the beginning, I was apathetic about the opossum, that is, until the kids brought it home in that box. Allah had sent down 99 parts of His mercy, and we are responsible for spreading that mercy on earth.

We didn't have the van that Thursday. I emailed hubby about it. He said he couldn't and to just inform the Buckeye Village staff about it. He emailed them. Then at 12 pm he had to take S to her class. They came home at around 3 p.m. Surely we could have done something about Sam?

Friday morning we didn't have the van either. Not until after my doctor's appointment, which was when we headed out to the Wildlife Center. It was apparently too late.

Qadr Allah. Inna lillaahi wa inna ilaihi raaji'oon. May Allah forgive us for any neglect on our part. Ameen.

Bulbous Love

I have been in love with bulbs ever since I bought one back in the spring of 1997. I was pregnant with S, and after trudging through knee deep snow everyday in the winter semester, it was really refreshing to suddenly go out the door every morning to spring weather and fragrance.

I always brought my lunch with me to campus, and during lunch time, I would go to the Hub, heat up my lunch, and eat it outside by myself. Right across the hub was Beardshear Hall, the 'money' hall, where tuition fees are processed. But another reason I also visited the building was because they would have bulb sales every spring. With a bulging belly, I went in the building and scanned the beautiful variety of bulbs on sale. Just like a typical woman, I took my time in deciding which one to buy. Hubby wasn't with me, so I didn't have someone rushing me, fortunately. Unfortunately though, he was way on the West Coast, and I was smack in the Midwest, by myself.

I bought myself some red tulips. Back in the apartment, I placed it by my one-mattress bed, and I could say it was something that cheered me up everyday. There were so may worries back then, and alhamdulillah, everything turned out fine, Alhamdulillah!

Here, daffodils sprout up in beautiful clusters along highways and streets. Back in Iowa, I always loved taking the route to class where I would pass by the 'tulip triangle' and the Eastern Redbuds. The 'tulip triangle' would harbor a triangle bed of tulips of various colors. As glum was going to class was on those days, passing by the Tulip Triangle was truly a mood booster for me. As for the Eastern Redbuds, I never knew what those specific trees are called until a few years back where the kids and I went 'tree hunting'. That was also when we found out that our apartment complex housed so many crab apple trees which they unfortunately cut down some years ago. I have to say that spring sceneries around here are now rather bland with the lossof those crab apple trees. I would spot dogwood in people's backyards as we drive through some neighborhoods, and I would start squealing in delight.

My obsession with spring blossoms are probably as strong as the kids' obsession with animals. The girls seem to like gardening. In fact, S and N were the ones who planted the bulbs above two falls ago. We had bought a whole box of hyacinths and daffodils bulbs. Now, they peek out every spring, mashaallah. However, spring bulbs don't live that long. As soon as the temperature spikes, it's time for those summer annuals. So far, the girls have been planting the summer annuals too. This year, they seem to have even prepared the plot for the summer annuals.

When they were younger, I used to toil in the garden every summer. Now that they're older and bigger, they are the ones who are taking over my gardening activity. I wonder what annuals we'll get this year?

Spring is here to stay inshaallah!

Last weekend was our first enjoyable spring weekend, alhamdulillah. On Saturday, H's first soccer game for the season resumed. This time last year, I was still pregnant with Z, but still attending H's soccer games. Hubby and I noticed the cultural difference between American parents and Asian parents in general with regards to watching and attending their children's soccer games, or any other sports activities for that matter.

When H started dabbling in soccer, I, as a mother, was enveloped in curiosity, wonder, amazement, excitement, and enthusiasm. Believe me, I am no big fan of watching sports (proven by my continuous dislike of hubby's habits in that area), but watching people you love play sports to me is a different matter altogether. I only watched soccer games that hubby plays in, and now, that H plays in. Other than that, I don't really care. H dabbled in basketball too during the winter seasons, and just like watching him play soccer, that was really interesting to watch too. Of course, in all of this, the parent actively involved is hubby, who has the capacity to stand on the sidelines and embarrass me with his shouts of support, and sometimes sports lingo comments.

"H, stay!"

"Eyes of the ball!"

"Mark your man!"

"Get a grey! Get a grey!"

"Line! Line!"

"Pass it to _____!"

As we drove to H's soccer games every Saturday last year, we realized that in Malaysia, parents don't usually attend their kids' soccer games, soccer especially. When my mother came last year, while H was having his soccer games, she was in no hurry to go and watch her grandson play soccer. Soccer in Malaysia is a play time sports, that kids would usually play it like kids play on the play ground. There is nothing to watch for parents. But for me, watching H play is rather exciting, because I could see his developmental progress, alongside enjoying the antics of other kids his age on the soccer field. Suffice it to say, hubby and I have had good laughs on the field due to witnessing 7-8 year olds amusing antics in soccer games.

Athleticism is (I don't think) part of my genetic make up, though I do enjoy some form of sports like rollerblading, tennis, swimming, and volleyball. Even though I probably have the genes for it, since my grandfather was active in gymnastics, I don't think they're turned on. So I will henceforth attribute any sign of athletic ability inmy children to my husband, since he is the athlete in the family, and my MIL also was.

S has that athletic prowess in her, especially in running, just like hubby, his brother, and his mother, but she refuses to participate in any sports events. Hubby was perplexed.

N, is probably more like me. She has the interest, but not necessarily the skills, and does it for fun rather than for competition. When they went swimming last weekend, as she put on her head-to-toe Islamic-style brand new swimming attire, she exclaimed,

"I'm a professional swimmer!"

It reminded me of my attitude towards any physical activities. It's more about the 'dream' of being the best than actually exerting effort to be the best.

As for H, I think he probably has hubby in him with regards to sports. He claims,

"I like soccer more than basketball."

He has also taken up wrestling, hockey, archery alongside soccer and basketball. The first time he was in a soccer game, while all the other kids scrambled for the ball, H stood frozen in the middle of the field, scratching his non-itchy elbow and studying the non-existent interesting object on his sleeves. Now however, I think his confidence has been boosted from encouraging comments from his coach and team members alhamdulillah. I have been reading The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child, and it's pretty interesting how a lot of the symptoms align with my characteristics as a child and an adult. I suspect that my children are quite close to the introvert end of the extrovert-introvert spectrum, though the girls seem to be closer to the introvert end than H. In a society that puts extroverts on a pedestal, we introverts have been put on the back burner, and treated rather unfairly, I must say. In Islam though, I think both temperaments are treated rather fairly, mashaallah.

On Sunday, last week, we brought them swimming. Even though I just watched with Baby Z, it was nice to see them enjoying the pool. My swimming days are over, as we could no longer reserve the campus pool for just sisters, from the way it was designed.

The weather these days have been very nice, that we have taken to having picnic-lunches outside, even Baby Z, and the kids have been spending quite some time outside, as have I, relatively. My spirits are lifted, and it reinforces my belief that I am the kind of person to behavily affected by weather. Gloomy weather affects my mood and outlooks, and spring just energizes me to no end, alhamdulillah. Our bulbs have also been peeking and blooming. We just have to clear away the fall leaves scattered amidst the growing bulbs.

Today, we had lunch outside again, the spring breeze cooling us as the warm sun beats down on us. Spring is finally here, I hope, and here to stay inshaallah.

Hmm...unschooling?

I stumbled upon a website yesterday, while looking for resources on handling sibling fights. As I squint and peer closely at the screen (though hubby had taught me how to make the font bigger, I can't be bothered to do it, and stuck with doing it the 'hard' way, as opposed to the 'smart' way), the concepts of unschooling are both shocking and interesting to me. I had read of John Holt. I somewhat agree with him.

I do think the unschooling approach has merits, but my struggle is applying those concepts to raising Muslim children. I haven't finished reading everything on the website, and I intend to, but before I lose it, I thought I would ramble here for a while, thinking out loud in the form of writing. I usually mull over things for days, and hubby knows when this happens because I can be found sitting and staring into space in silence. This now, is my current object of rumination, until I come up with a personal perspective or take on it.

I searched for unschooling Muslims and this was one of the sites I found. The writer said that a mix of methods is what homeschoolers usually do, and I have learned about this earlier to be called eclectic homeschooling.

As for complete unschooling, N and H did learn to read roughly on their own without me actively 'teaching' them. The drive to read for them was internal. They also did learn to use the computer by themselves without needing me to actively 'teach' them. N didn't know how to ride a two-wheeler until after Baby Z was born. While S and H were falling off and getting back on their two wheelers, N hung back, not even wanting to try. I am beginning to think that maybe unschooling would be a good approach for her especially. Hubby is backing off from having her memorize the Quran like he's doing with the other two, and maybe that is the wise thing to do. Right now, I'm struggling with teaching her to read the Quran. Should I back off too, until she's ready to learn it with an internal drive?

I suppose if you think deeply about it, unschooling makes a lot more sense than the schooling system. You do learn what you need to know when the time is right, and when you need to learn it. Of course, by saying this, I'm completely contradicting myself with all the Glenn Doman bit. But as always, I am open to new ideas, of course with a limit. As Muslims we have our ground zero, where some things are non-negotiable, but things to do with muamalat, we are freet to explore and figure out the method that works best for us.

For now, I don't like to stick with just one method and follow it blindly. So I will, for now, take what makes sense to me from this philosophy and apply it to our homeschooling journey, inshaallah. May Allah continue to guide me and all of us mothers in raising our children . Ameen.

Ummi Can Juggle 3 Balls!

"Your kids told me you can juggle!"

I almost snorted in the absurdity of the statement, brought about by my kids advertisement of their 'mommy juggler'. And I could sense the 'can you really do it?" request for confirmation creeping up on me.

"Nahh...I can't. They just think I can," I replied, hoping I didn't have to demonstrate my 'abilities'.

What made my kids blab about my juggling? I had, in one of those 'mommy is silly' moments attempted to juggle three balls. Of course, I can't really do it without having balls bouncing all over the place, but the sheer attempt brought back memories of my solitary childhood days where I told myself I would break the world record by skating non stop circles, do skating stunts and other ridiculous things. So yes, I did attempt to juggle three balls, and for maybe a few seconds I am able (yup, present tense) catch all three balls before I turn into butterfingers. But that doesn't mean I can juggle.

Metaphorically, I also can't juggle three kids without having balls bouncing all over the place. As it is in juggling three balls, maybe for a few measly seconds or minutes I am probably able to keep things from getting out of control, but for the most part, I am not in control. All I can say is, Allah has a hand in getting things done around here.

When I was homeschooling just S, in my gullibility, I did every activity the K12 curriculum provided. I gave my all and I can say now, looking back, that I did do that with an 'ihsaan' mindset. It wasn't perfect, but it was pretty close. Meanwhile, H and N learned how to read by themselves, because I was too busy 'homeschooling' S. Before I knew it, they were reading books, making mistakes, learning from their mistakes, all on their own. Suffice it to say, I felt really guilty for that, but I didn't know about this 'this is what you want to happen eventually' mentality back then. Thinking back, I guess, we did achieve one of the objectives of homeschooling; they were becoming self motivated learners. All by the Grace of Allah, walhamdulillah!

When N started kindergarten, I was then faced with two students to homeschool. My feathers were slightly ruffled, but switching between two students was still manageable. I even took pride in my ability to juggle the two while keeping my sanity intact. I would work with S, leave her with some individual work to do, then work with N, leave her with some individual work to do, and switch back to S. Sometimes, one of them would wait on me, especially if they had a question, and these were the times I would feel panic. But it wasn't until H came into the homeschooling scene that my hairs were standing on end.

So I asked this stupid question to one homeschooling mom.

"What do you do when you're teaching one child, and another child is waiting to ask you something?"

"Tell her to do something else while waiting for you," she replied.

At the time, the solution seemed so brilliant and ingenious, but now, my question just seemed dumb.

So H came into the picture, and there I was homeschooling three children, with a curriculum that is better fitted for single or double students. I didn't realize it then, but the way the whole curriculum works, or is supposed to work, you would have to do major modifications to accommodate a family with multiple children. Alhamdulillah though H was already reading on his own, so I skipped the Phonics lessons. I somewhat skipped it with N too, but since there were only two of them then, I still did most of the lessons, even though she was already reading too. Again, Allah came to my aid, and I began to notice that it got easier with the subsequent child, because:

1. you somewhat have the experience, so you're just going over the same material again with a different child
2. the child seems to have absorbed some of what is being taught by mere exposure to the lessons, indirectly, while the older child was being taught in the previous year

N and H would listen in as I did lessons with S when it was just S in school, so I suppose it was no surprise that they would catch on pretty quickly on some of the lessons when it was their turn.

However, as the years passed by, I noticed that H was moving at an even higher pace than N. This year, I had requested that H be moved up to do 3rd grade Language Arts so it would be easier for me to manage school overall. He was already doing 3rd grade maths, so when he was moved up to 3rd grade language arts, the only thing he was doing at his grade level, was Science. I thought it would be easier to manage, but subhanallah, the curve balls you get in life, are truly relentless and countless.

H surpassed N, and again, I was faced with the problem of juggling three kids who were working at different levels everyday. The switching between kids became more of a stress-inducing activity for me. I had no pride left then, only exhaustion. My technique, was to try and assign two children to do something they could do by themselves, and work with the remaining child. In theory, it was doable, but in practice, it didn't quite work out so well, especially when a child had a question or was stuck, and the child I was working with took longer than usual to be done needing me. That was when the monster in me would surface.

As things progressed, (yes, alhamdulilla things did progress, again, all due to Allah's help) the kids became more independent, needing me less and less, and ended up doing their lessons by themselves. Again, guilt crept in, but I was pregnant at the time. I had begun to use a small portable white board to write up their daily To Do Lists, and they would go by this each day, not needing me to tell them what do next. As Allah makes some things easy and some things hard, they also began to develop more ability to learn things on their own, except maybe not so much for N. Of course, I still needed testing, don't I? So, that is my test; N.

And now, H is done with his math, and everything else, and only has composition left to finish. N has that, and math, and Literature. S, well, S is already working on her own except on very few things that still require my instructions.

At the end of this school year, I will have used the K12 curriculum for 6 years. I wouldn't say it was all bad, because our experiences are what makes us what we are, and I have to say that all the experiences, despite being stress-inducing for me, and maybe torturous to the kids, have taught them some things about themselves, and helped them develop some new abilities I had not planned to cover. After doing some reading, I am now ready to leave the ship and embark on my own boat. I have learned a lot of valuable things from the K12 curriculum, and from the OHVA teachers especially, and I hope to use that as my base experience to continue on in our voyage inshaallah.

As for juggling three kids, I think I have never really honed the skill, but I believe that Allah makes some things easy for us when other things are difficult. Life is dynamic, things are always changing, depending on how we react, and throughout my 3o something years of life, I have noticed that pattern. We are tested based on our weaknesses and strengths. If we are tested with something, that means we have the strength to overcome it, for Allah does not burden a soul beyond its capabilities, but that doesn't mean we are already strong in that aspect. And when things are not within your control, sometimes Allah eases some things. That way, we can't really say that it's all due to our doings, because we are not in control of everything. It's amazing how humbling life's tests make us, because each and everyday, we are reminded that He is the one in control, but yet, at the same time, He has given us free will to garner some control ourselves.

So, while my act of kid-juggling has been somewhat aided by Allah, maybe I should work on juggling those three balls, eh?

Interesting!

I received this in an email today:

More Brain Stuff . . From Cambridge University.

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Psas Ti ON !

I immediately though of Glenn Doman's method of teaching very young children to read. His technique centers around teaching a whole word as a unit rather than the phonetic style of deciphering each letter by sound to read a whole word.

I had used the Glenn Doman method with S, and according to Doman, it is best if the child does not know the individual alphabets beforehand. This is because, the typical knowledge of the alphabets inhibits (to a certain degree, because S did know the individual alphabets when I started her on the Glenn Doman method) the speed at which the child can acquire reading the word as a unit. She will tend to try and decipher it if she recognizes each letter in the word.

In teaching a child to read using this method, one has to show a card with the word only for one second per word, not less, not more. So it is very suitable for very young children. In fact, his book is titled How To Teach Your Baby To Read. He talked about pathways that are developed in infants, and that when you show the infants these cards with red words that are of a certain size, you are helping the development of these pathways. We all know how a newborn cannot see clearly in the first few weeks and can only see the outline of his mother's face.

Doman also says that the child will automatically know how to read other words that has not been shown to him if they are of the same word/sound patter of the words that they have been shown. For example, I had a card with the word 'book', and after a while, S knew how to read the word 'book'. But, when I showed her the word 'cook', she automatically knows how to read it without having been taught the word before. This is because the child acquires the pattern and spelling rules of words from repeated exposure to the words themselves. I see similarities between this and the Malaysian IQRA's style of teaching children to read Quranic Arabic. In the IQRA' method, the tajweed rules are embedded in the words. So the child learns to read the Quran with proper tajweed without learning the rules of tajweed.

In the class Chain of Command, Abdulbary talked of how the early scholars are very well versed in Mustalah al Hadith (The Sciences of Hadith) without necessarily knowing the logical breakdown, terms that we have today. This is because they lived the Hadith, and the later scholars didn't, so they had to develop the Sciences of Hadith that we know of today. An analogy that Abdulbary gave us was that of a native English speaker.

"I be going to the store," sounds grammatically wrong to a native English speaker, but he will not necessarily know the grammatical rules/jargon that would help in explaining why it's wrong.

On the other hand, a person who learns English as a second language, or a non native, will be quite well versed in the jargons of English grammar, but s/he will not necessarily speak English better than a native speaker. And this is because the Native speaker lives English, whereas the non native has to learn it.

This makes a lot of sense to me, and after pondering upon it, and observing other kids learning to read using the phonetic style, and after using the phonetic style with them under OHVA, I realize this:

It can be very frustrating for a child of 5/6 years of age to learn how to read using Phonics. The process can be very slow, and in the process, they can be discouraged from reading altogether, because it takes too long to read a sentence, let alone a whole book! Sure, the developers of the Phonics method provide ways around this, but I can see how a child can be discouraged if s/he does not have a love of reading beforehand. If the parent is used to reading aloud to the child before, or if reading is very much a part of the family's culture, then there is probably less probability of this happening, inshaallah.

According to Doman, the older the child is, the less effective the Doman method, and this is largely due to the ability of the brain in absorbing information. The younger the brain is, the easier it is to absorb, and the higher the speed is for absorption.

When I enrolled S in OHVA, she was already reading by herself, but the Kindergarten curriculum, of course, included a Phonics kit, and required that I go through the Phonics lessons with her. Being inexperienced and gullible, I followed the curriculum to the T, which didn't make any sense, because she was already reading and knows the phonetic rules automatically. After a while, I just skimmed through it.

One thing that bothered me was,

"Is she gonna suck at spelling?"

It turned out that she initially did suck at spelling, but then again, that just may be my perfectionism seeping through, for she did later become the Spelling Bee Champion at OHVA's Pee Wee Spelling Bee, and was among the four last contestants of the 4th to 8th graders Spelling Bee.

One thing that I did notice also, is that, her reading speed is pretty fast, and my mother also did say that my sister (whom she did the Doman method with but later forgot how to read) also has a pretty good reading speed. We were talking about how the method benefited her even though she later forgot it. However, there is one thing I see lacking in S; comprehension of the text. It was the one thing I worried since she was reading things so speedily. I can relate to it too, because when I read adventurous fiction, i tend to gloss over the descriptive part of the text and focus on the action, and rush to get to the ending. When I'm reading non fiction, my speed is a little slower (or is this the case with everyone else too? Hmm).

Nevertheless, in one way or another, once a child is able to read, his world gets much much more interesting. Truth be told, I actually dread teaching a child to read. With S, it was an experiment that I undertook just to see if it truly works. It did do me a lot of good though later on, because once she was in Kindergarten, we no longer had to focus so much on learning how to read (though I did out of gullibility still focused on it), but we were able to explore other subjects at a whole different level. However, N and H weren't exclusively taught to read using the Doman method, and they're still avid readers, alhamdulillah.

Yet, isn't it interesting how we had labored in the process of learning how to read by deciphering each letter, only to abandon it for a more efficient way later on?

Summer of '04

I just realized that this blog began in 2005, and as I was looking through our photos in our folders on the computer, I was swept into nostalgic moments. In 2004, the kids were age 7, 6, and 4, and I was pregnant with J.

J was due in December of '04. The kids were excited at the prospect of getting a baby brother or sister, that after my first ultrasound, they prattled on about the 'baby' in the picture. It had been 4 years since I had been pregnant, and the pregnancy was a little hard on me compared to the first three. That summer, I was about 5 months pregnant.

We had gone to Michigan to buy Islamic books at NoorArt's old warehouse, and on the way back, we stopped by a shopping outlet and bought some baby clothes for J. I did a lot that summer. We did a lot. Even though my baking spree was less than when we were in Iowa, I still did some baking. In fact, compared to now, my baking then was much much more than my baking now. I found the occasion to make a carousel cake for the family, but instead of horses, I made bicycles, one for each of them; hubby, S, N, and H. It took maybe about a week or so to make everything from the carousel top, bicycles, cakes, and the planning.

As usual, the kids attended summer school at the masjid, and looking at the pictures, I recall this year as quite a tough one for S. She had to memorize surahs and ahadith back to back, and her teacher made her write it down in the process of memorization. She really worked hard that summer though, and I was very impressed with her arabic handwriting. Even to this day, her arabic handwriting is much much much better than her English handwriting (yes, emphasis on the comparison). Her English handwriting suffice it to say, receives a lot of 'comments' from me. And H seems to follow suit. N, on the other hand, actually flourishes in both Arabic and English handwriting, but then again, this girl also draws rather extensively on her worksheets. I can't help being amused by the drawings of hands with index finger pointing to the answer she provided on her worksheets. I told her,

"I don't really mind you doing that with me, but if you are to send your work to a teacher, don't do that."

She nodded, with a pleased smile, for, in trying to get her used to providing me with a 'clean' worksheet, I reprimanded all her doodlings. After a while, I realized that it's not that big a deal, as long as she knows not to do it when it matters.

It was also the summer where I discovered a very simple cake from an Egyptian friend who had invited us over to her house. When she served us the cake, I asked her what it's called, but she didn't provide me with a name, but told me how it's made.

I later on tried to make it myself, and together, with the kids, we named it Biscake. Looking back, I think I have been letting them name food creations since they were very young. Recently, we've had dishes named Spicetti (fried spaghetti with a lot of spice), Spaguna (fried spaghetti with tuna), and my favorite one, Cheesy-Yum (baked spaghetti with cheese on top). The cake above was named Biscake because it was made from tea biscuits, but had the texture of cake when done. Since it required no baking, I taught them to make it themselves. The only thing that hinders us from having too much of it is the amount of fat it harbors, and the price of the table cream used to make it. Now that S knows how to bake without supervision, ironically, we have had even less baking in the house. I think she doesn't feel compelled to do it because I'm not there such that she has to take on the role of 'mother'. I guess I can't really blame her for that, for I understand the 'burden' of cleaning up after a baking and cake decorating session. Even my mother, who once had a home bakery that took wedding cake orders quit production due to the toll it was taking on her.

I had made a backpack for S, and that summer, I made one for N too, since she started going to summer school with S. When it came to H's turn, I was too spent to make a backpack for him. However, over the years, we have managed to collect free bags of many kinds from Summer Reading Programs, events, and most recently, the Texas Dawah Conference.

The summer came to an end with J's demise in August. In fact, that was what prompted me to rekindle my love for writing, as it was truly therapeutic for me. Supposed to be born in December, J returned to His Creator sometime in my 5th - 6th month of pregnancy. The second ultrasound showed no heartbeat, and as both hubby and I wept, the kids shrank back in their seats, probably shocked and confused over what had taken place. Only S, I think truly understood. On the day of J's burial, I told them of the whereabouts of their dead brother, with Prophet Ibrahim. It was a summer with a lesson; a lesson in embracing death as a fact of life, and I feel grateful for that experience, as it has probably left a significant impact on the kids' perception of the afterlife.