Hubby and I have been trying to coax H to resume going to the masjid for the hifdh with AM, but he's been consistently refusing. Today, we went from one store to the next, looking for shoes for S to wear for her horse-riding lesson that will commence on Tuesday, next week inshaallah.
We ended up at Kohl's.
Of course, being me, I fretted about his firm refusal to go.
"So you're going tonight to AM, right H?"
He shook his head.
"No."
"Why?"
Let's just say it took quite some prodding to get to the core of the issue.
"You don't like going to the masjid?"
"No, it's so long!"
"You mean from Maghrib to Isha?"
He nodded.
"AM used to have free time, but not anymore."
It dawned on hubby then, what the issue was.
Apparently, before this, when H used to enjoy and look forward to going to the masjid, AM used to give them regular breaks where they could play, but not anymore.
We mulled over it, and I was reminded of the lecture I heard about parenting where you have to have positive association with acts of ibadah for children, so they will always look forward to it. In H's case, the positive association is gone. As a result, he no longer wants to go to the masjid.
Hubby said he will talk to AM about it, and as we went home, he said,
"No wonder there are not that many kids now coming to the masjid."
I had asked H, when he revealed the true reason he didn't want to go anymore,
"If AM gives you breaks like before, would you go?"
He nodded.
"You would do the Quran memorization and play?"
He nodded.
So it's not about memorizing the Quran, it's about 'just apples and no donuts'. Muhammad AlShareef uses this analogy of apples and donuts in dawah techniques, where apples refer to the hard core dawah issues (healthy) and donuts refer to the 'fun' stuff incorporated into any dawah event/activity. When it comes to attracting youths, the balance of apples and donuts is pretty important, especially today's generation.
I was worried that it was about Quran memorization, and felt a huge relief wash over me when I found out it wasn't. I have to say it felt pretty good to find out what the issue is.
Most times, parents don't take enough time to prod into matters pertaining to their children (well at least, in my experience) to find out why their children are acting up/refusing to do something. In Stephen's Covey 7 Habits, he talks about seeking to understand and then be understood. A lot of conflicts happen between parents and children when parents assume things about their children, thus not seeking to sincerely understand them. Subhanallah, we could have just forced him to go despite his adamant refusal. We could have dragged him to the masjid kicking and screaming. For all my unwise parenting moments, I can safely say that for this particular instance, inshaallah, Allah has guided me with some semblance of parental wisdom, Alhamdulillah!
Tonight he did go.
When the time came for them to go, hubby asked him,
"H, do you wanna go with the van, or the bike?"
H was playing downstairs at the time, not even ready to go to the masjid. I was trying to read as much as I could of a library book, and so I didn't look at him, but I sensed some hesitation. Alhamdulillah, he finally answered,
"Bicycle!"
When they came back, I asked him,
"So did you have fun at the masjid?"
He shook his head, but at least he wasn't sullen or physically rebelling about having to go.
That was one issue we had to deal with, alhamdulillah.
Another one came up while H and hubby were at the masjid. The kids are in the summer reading program, and today, they went to redeem their prizes, and it involved a dice. I suddenly felt uneasy about it as I was making wudhu' for Maghrib and I told the girls.
"I don't feel good about the dice today. Did you remember about the dice?"
"Yeah, I remember, but how are we going to get the bugs?"
Then, came the comment or remark that shook up my parenting world,
"It's difficult being a Muslim. You can't have tattoos, and dice."
Let me just say that I was speechless after that remark S made. Only Allah knows how much my heart felt like it was wrung out. Immediately I thought,
"Ya Allah! This is it! I'm going through what most Muslim parents go through!"
Earlier today even, as we drove through town, I was thinking to myself,
"The years ahead are probably going to be rough. The kids are growing, entering new stages, different and unfamiliar stages in their lives. I'm in for a bumpy ride."
H's issue with the masjid had triggered that train of thought in me, and S's remark just put an exclamation mark at the back of that caboose.
I gave a short response, consisting of
"That's because we're living in a kuffar country."
"Then when are we going to move to a better place?" asked N.
"I don't know. Make dua."
"I know it's difficult. It's difficult for adults too."
"No, it's more difficult for kids."
"Well, yes, but adults have a hard time too, you know. Abi could have gotten a job easily all this time and we could have been rich. There are banks and insurance companies telling him to come, but he refused because they're deep in riba'. If he had worked for them, we probably would have been rich and won't have the problem of staying here, but then, our dua might not be accepted because our source of money is haram, and whatever we eat is haram, nauzubillah. So it's difficult for adults too."
My dismay was beginning to make me angry, so I held my tongue, and stopped talking. My thoughts unraveled, and I thought of the best way to respond. I thought,
"I need to talk to them."
I didn't know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to talk to them about it, soon. I made dua that Allah give me wisdom to handle it, and for Allah to give them wisdom to bear this.
While S took her shower, I called N to my room while I nursed Baby Z.
"N, what S said just now, about how difficult it is to be a Muslim. Do you..."
I was lost for words. I had no plan, I didn't know what or how I was going to go about discussing it. I was jumping in blind.
"Agree?" she finished my sentence.
I nodded.
"Yeah."
"How is it difficult to be a Muslim?"
She prattled about some negative stuff, and it was as if a lightbulb lit up in my head,
Instead of asking her what's making it difficult, why not ask her what's fun about being a Muslim?
(Being proactive instead of reactive)
So I did. I turned the question to,
"Okay, what can you do and have you done that's fun, as a Muslim?"
It got the wheels turning, and before long, she was churning out our travels to Texas, Pennsylvania, Eid, cats, Baby Z, etc.
By the time she was done, I added to her list, and we concluded that
Hey, there are a lot of things that Muslims can do.
When we were done, I shooed her out, and hailed S.
"S, N and I were talking about the difficult being a Muslim, and we came up with...with what N?"
"A lot of cool stuff," replied N as she left the room.
So I did another 'session' with S. She listed Pennsylvania, cats, frogs, Baby Z, kissing him, hugging him, playing outside, reading, Muslim parties, eating, getting a flat tire, museums, petting animals, etc.
I did note that both mentioned our travels to Pennsylvania. Subhanallah, they seem to really cherish those trips to children's museums on our trip that happened only because of hubby's conference.
We also concluded that Muslims can do a lot of things, but with her, I added something extra.
"Even for adults, it's difficult. Some adults would say why is it that the kuffar have a good life, they live in mansions, and look at their country, so clean and modern, while Muslim countries are dirty and the people are rude, and poor. I had a friend who said that.."
"What did you tell her?" S interjected.
"I don't remember..." (I really don't remember!)
"But..basically, Allah has said in the Quran, if one asks for something good here on earth, he will get it, and if he doesn't ask for any good in the hereafter, he won't get anything. And which is more lasting? Here or the hereafter?"
I continued with moer analogies...
"You know, if you're thirsty, and you drink water because you're thirsty, and then let's say you're not thirsty, and you drink anyway. Which one feels better?"
"The first one," she said.
"So it's like that, if we live an enjoyable life here on earth, when we go to jannah, it might not....feel..."
"Worth it?"
"Yeah, kind of. But you know what I mean, right?"
"Because of that suffering, Allah will compensate us."
And I told her about the pricking of the thorn, of how our sins are erased for any pain we feel.
"I'm so scared of the punishment in the grave, that I think, oh, let me have a lot of pain now so I won't have any sins to be punished for in the grave."
"And here on earth, let's say you drink Cincau, for example, you drink it again, and it tastes the same, right? But in jannah, let's say you eat a fruit, the first time you eat it, it's SOOO good, and the second time you eat it, ahhh...the third time you eat it, it's even better! The fourth time you eat it, awesome! The fifth time you eat it, WHOA!"
S was giggling from all the expressions I manufactured with each bite of that fruit, and I joined her.
We really covered a lot during that talk, alhamdulillah.
I am reminded of what Sheikh Yaser Birjas said in the class Code of Scholars: Usul Al Fiqh last August. That we Muslims just have to be more creative and not feel restricted in not being able to do this and that. Instead we should focus on the halal things we are allowed to do. This is where we parents come in and provide these halal alternatives - part of our job description.
After we prayed Isha, N said,
"Ummi, let's hurt ourselves."
"Huh?"
"So we'll get rewarded and won't have any sins."
Aaahhh...this girl has been eavesdropping.
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7 comments:
Well, it is not easy to be a muslim parents. That's why we see lots of bad thing in malaysia happen among muslim themselves. Sometimes we ask why not chineese and indians. All this drug, sex, killing relatives.
This is why I was always worried. This is one of the reason my hubby always wanted me to teach children to be tough person. Because the challange out side there were so great. Theoretically islamic lesson for us not enough. By thinking if we keep them with us all the time than they we save for me is not my option. Because one day if they go out and think what non muslim been doing is cool, that will be real test.
While they moving age, time will tell. As I did say, doesn't matter how much we teach them islamic studies but there are plenty thing that we need to look at in bringing them up. That's why, I'm watching my children closely all the time. It's always worrying that you can't help to think of.
Alhamdulillah, because everyday we read fazail amal which is all contain hadith and quran about the benefit of amal, it's always give them understanding about how lucky we are as a muslim because of all the rewards that we get. It make such a different in the way of thinking.
Also the guide for muslim girl and boys is so good. I found another about teenage world. Because it's been written in a way of their world which is they can understand easily.
Like I said before, I never let my children to be too quiet and suddenly I got this or that coming out their mouth. I'm always make them talk. The way of their thinking can be much advance than what we thought.
Nadia, It's ok. We all learning..The real learning is best from experience.
in a way though, doing the fazail amal is islamic studies :) To me islamic studies encompasses everything about islam, daily life and everything.
caring for a child is like caring for a plant...(this is hubby's analogy btw :))some plants need more support before they can go out there by themselves, some plants are hardy enough to be let go earlier..so it all depends on the individuality of our children. That's what makes parenting even harder because we have to wear many hats with these different temperaments.
You're right about children who are too quiet. Here I think the relationship between parent and child is very critical..i mean you can't change temperaments , you can't force a child to talk if he prefers to be quiet, but through a good relationship and wise parenting inshaallah the child will make some good choices, by learning through mistakes that we let them make.
I think homeschooling is good because they are under our guidance most of the time..for example in this matter, i get to know what they think and i get to guide them alhamdulillah..but if they go to school, they spend most of the time in school and we're not there to guide them...they might not tell us everything...(it's back to that plant analogy again in a way).
What I like about here in the US is AlMaghrib ..it's really catered towards youth...esp north american youth or western youth...so I'm really thankful for the opportunity to attend their classes and since my children listens to the lectures alhamdulilah, inshallah they get a taste of things like this too...
but muslim parenting is very tough ...though guidance lies with Allah..no matter what we do if allah does not guide we can't do anything..our job is only to convey, in wisdom (this is the bit I'm having problems with :) and make dua everyday that Allah provides me with it).
But like a friend said (hudhud), even when children go astray in ther youth, if they had good background sooner or later inshaallah they will come back to it biiznillah...sometimes these are tests Allah gives parents..even the prophets are not free from it (Prophet Nuh alaihisalam)...
sometimes I think we worry too much as parents (don't we all :)) but parenting is a continuous self muhasabah and self improvement which is actually good for us! :D
but like hubby said, we try our best and teach them etc...leave the rest to Allah...but yeah, that is the hard part (doing our best, because doing it without wisdom can be quite detrimental).
May Allah guide all of us in guiding our children. Ameen.
Jazakillah khair for sharing.
Other than being proactive, always try to provide them with ALTERNATIVES so that all the NOs can become YES, but still in accordance to Islam. E.g we cant listen to western musics but we have beautiful nasheeds. We cant have tattoos but we have henna. We used to have problems to swim at public pools but now we have those burqini.
True, we cant be forever trying to 'protect' them but we surely cant let them go 'free' esp during their early years. In Islam, we have what we call 'mumayyiz' and 'mukallaf' stage. As parents, once we feel they have reached those stage, maaaaybbeeee.. we can start to 'expose' them to the real world but still provide guidance. The percentage wud be different depending on their maturity and age. Some kids r very independent, not easily influenced by others and can actually influence others (high leadership skill).
Aha, this is one question for u, how do u instill those qualities to them when they r homeschool? I know you made them present things to guests during eid in order to enhance their public speaking skill. What about leadership, PR skill, teamwork etc. Share with us pls.
Hudhud
Sorry nadia if this become like a forum.
Hud hud, I do agree with you which in a way I do like when my children used to go to school and they been expose with all sorts although their school were 90% muslim, but not all muslim do practice. So, from my experience, my kids been expose but they come back home and tell everything so I can easily guide them. I do like it in a way. ALhamdulillah now although they homeschool they have saturday school which is full day.
I used to be homeschool during secondary. Apart from me used to be introvert, I have hard time when it's come to team work, leadership and PR skill. This do effect and I had to say, this come from homeschool person. It's my real experience. One of the thing also, being homeschool make me stand on my own opinion although sometimes it doesn't make sense. I usually don't want to listen and accept other people opinion because I don't have much chance to get to explore the PR skill. But, alhamdulillah that's all overcome since hubby always taught me when I go wrong. But, honestly first couple of years married is very difficult and being homeschool is one of the reason. May be lots of homeschool mum don't want to hear this. But, that's the reality.
It's not that I say homeschool is not good. Well, I homeschool my children. But, from my experience I used how it effect me in bad way to make sure I overcome this with my children.
In a way, this is one of the thing I'm always worried. Not education part which is learning but other skill. Also, I known lots of homeschooler in malaysia and most of them now already married. In term of education alhamdulillah, it's good. Most of them I know can memorize quran and have lots of islamic study knowledge. But, other PR skill, team work, speaking and listening manner is very low.
Of course there is pro and contra. And of course we can overcome the contra. It doesn't means when there is a contra than what we think, than we jump. As I say, that's real experience from real life. Most of us ( that been homeschool ) do have this common problem. Not just in Malaysia, also I have close friend that got the same kind of problem although she didn't notice until she need to left her children with someone for couple of days.( She had very strong muslim character, she Colombian revert) Usually this only start when children come to the age puberty either they show the contra or this will come out when they out from the house. The result will not be seen yet now.
My husband did say, although children make progress, you can only see the result in 10 or 15 years time. At first I mad at him. I said, I try my best to overcome everything and children do progress in every aspect of learning. But, at the end I have to accept that's the reality. You can see the result of learning through test and exam. But, all this skill, the test is when they enter their own world without us.
For me it's not difficult but tricky being a parent nowadays.
Nadia, sorry for long comment. Like you said, it is different child will have different need. That's what make our job tricky!
In a way, my husband always said, it's not a big deal how you start, but the important is the end. If you died with kalimah as your last word, so, jannah been promise for you.
May Allah guide us all
finie, no problem...forum is good :D
hudhud,
how to overcome those possible problems? Here in the US, from wha I've read, that is not a problem at all if there are support groups like homeschool groups that get together...they get exposure, teamwork and the like...and the parents are with them , unlike in school, so if parents see their kids going astray they can correct it and guide them...
plus homeschooling doesn't mean the kids are at home all the time...for me, that is my weakness..we stay home most of the time...but S gets her exposure through STEP though she doesn't like it..H is ok..it's N I'm worried about.
hudhud, I don't think I have enough experience stored up my sleev to share, but maybe you can read up son homeschoolimh and socialization..this is the number one issue ppl bring up, but try to find what is said about it by more experienced homeschoolers...it's not a problem actually if there are support groups and muslim support groups at that. Our problem here is we dno't have a muslim homeschooling group, we used to but bec i was so busy with OHVA i cou;dn't join them due to the distance and time...ok i have to go might have to conitnue later
hudhud...
public speaking skills, leadership, teamwork...
if you really think about it, these are good qualities, but not everyone needs them, some ppl are natural while others have to probably take classes to acquire these. (exclude teamwork from it though).
I'm going back to honing individual strengths. It's nice if these can be developed, but in my opinion they are not that essential (not in everyone). Even the sahabah, not all all of them have leadership skill, all human beings have their own strengths..it would be a waste (in my humble opinion) to try so hard at forcing something when the time could be spent focusing on one's individual strengths (whatever they may be). Remember the post I wrote about the four personalities mentioned in the Quran? That's my personal approach with regard to this matter (for now, until something else convinces me to change my mind in the future).
I guess it all depends on parents' goals for their children. Some parents place high priiority on some characteristics than others.
To answer your question in a another way though, homeschooled children have the opportunity to develop these in many settings. Homeschooled doesn't mean the mother teaches everything. Tthey may go to weekend schools at the masjid, attend events, workshops, classes etc that do provide the opportunity to acquire these skills.
With us, the kids do attend outside classes, I involve them in dawah events that I am involved in, focusing on their strengths (making flyers, sending email reminders to the team, updating website), H in his soccer team and basketball, at home, doing chors require teamwork,. in a family it requires teamwork, leadership skills, in a family it's also required, so they do get their practice...it's the public speaking skills that we are not so big on..but this goes back to what i said about, not everyone necessarily needs them...dawah can be made in many ways...me for example, I don't do public speaking (except for leading some halaqa, which is pretty minor), but I can make dawah through writing, talking etc...eventually we want our children to use their personal skills and strengths to make dawah and propagate the deen, don't we? so my thinking is we hone the natural traits that they have towards this inshaallah...(i'm realizing this as I type) and don't have to worry about needing everyone to possess certain characteristics...we all play our own roles in the society..and it's that personal 'touch' that makes our ummah work together as a team, that makes us need each other more. allahu aalim.
finie,
In my humble opinion, I don't think it's correct to attribute not having PR skill etc to being homeschooled. It's like it's not right to associate terrorism with Islam just because some Muslims do it.
If homeschooled children get opportunities to acquire these skills, which they naturally do actually (even at home with many siblings, if family have meetings, if opinions are valued and respected) they will be ok inshaallah. In islam, if we follow the sunnah, we shuld always do shura, respect ppl's opinions, etc. it's all in the sunnah..like i said in my previoius comment, it's the public speaking skills that I don't care for much. but other things like teamwork, etc...is workable inshaallah.
when cooking i employ my kids, they help me out and it requires teamwork, they have to divvy up the job of who peels the carrots, who peels the potatoes, etc...in taking care of Baby Z they have to divvy up who feeds him in the morning lunch and dinner, in doing chores they have to utilize teamwork to divvy it up, whenever something is not working i hold a meeting where we brainstorm solutions, talk about them, they get to exercise giving their opinions, analyze the possible solutions and agree on one etc...
it's I think, a matter of applying these techniques at home, and living a normal life which involved other people which would also involve these techniques (when they play with their friends or work in dawah projects)...and not to limit ourselve to thinking homeschooling = keeping children at home all the time.
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