Parenting

Ramadan is not all about abstaining from eating and drinking, yet probably, for most of us, it is.

Surah Albaqarah (2/183)
183. O you who believe! Observing As-Saum (the fasting)[] is prescribed for you as it was prescribed for those before you, that you may become Al-Muttaqûn (the pious - see V.2:2).

When we teach our children about fasting, we tend to want to make it easy for them. The most common way of making them see what Ramadah is all about is to say that we fast so we can feel how the poor feel when they have no food. The approach is not all bad, but in doing so, we are abandoning the main reason why we are commanded to fast.

Muttaqun. To be of the muttaqun. That's the reason. if the reason for fasting is so that we can feel how the poor feel, it doesn't make our fasting any different from that of the Christians, Jews or even atheists. They can fast and claim that they want to empathize with the poor and they would indeed technically be fasting.

Yet for us, it's important to differentiate the exact reason of fasting as mentioned by Allah. And it's equally important for us to deliver this reason to our children.

We see instances of parents with children who fast a full Ramadan every year, but those same children don't pray regularly. Why? Probably because the fasting is merely abstaining from drinking and eating. Mahatma Gandhi can do it, in fact, they can even fast non stop, which can prove to be a tougher feat to execute as it boils down to physical stamina. Our fasting is not a test of physical stamina only. It's more a test of spiritual stamina to be exact. That is why fasting is one act of worship that can't be done by hypocrites for reasons of hypocrisy.

Abû Hurayrah relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Allah says: ‘Every deed of the child of Adam is for himself, except for fasting. It is for Me and I shall reward it.’ Fasting is a shield, so if it is a day of fasting for any one of you, then he should engage in no obscenity or shouting. If anyone belittles him or fights with him, he should just say ‘I am a person who is fasting’. I swear by Him in whose hand is Muhammad’s soul, the smell of the fasting person’s breath is sweeter to Allah on the Day of Judgment than that of musk. The fasting person has two occasions for joy, one when he breaks his fast because of his breaking it and the other when he meets his Lord because of the reward for his fast.”

[Sahîh al-Bukhârî (7492) and Sahîh Muslim (1151) with the wording being that of Muslim]

I have overheard a conversation of a convert among some Muslim sisters,

"I never met any Muslims on campus before and when i did I was so excited. I asked them why they fast in Ramadan and they said, "So we can feel what the poor people feel," and I was like...wha? huh? that's it??"

When I overheard that conversation, it struck me really deep because I would probably have given the same answer years ago if people were to ask me that same question. At first I couldn't understand why she wasn't satisfied with that answer, but as I looked at the ayat commanding us to fast, it dawned on me the exact reason why we are commanded to fast.

I'm fortunate that i realized that while my children are still young, so I can teach them. ALhamdulillah. Parenting is in essence a deep scrutiny of ourselves. Only in being a parent would one realize how shallow his knowledge is and how incompetent he is. Nothing else can make you feel more inferior than being a parent.

Yet, Allah doesn't give us a burden we are not able to bear, so that must mean that bestowed the gift of being a parent entails more than simply raising a child.

Surah al-Baqarah(2/286) 286. Allâh burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maulâ (Patron, Suppor-ter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people.[]"

It's actually a drive for us to better ourselves as human beings, as Mukmins. If we really care about the well being of our children here and in the hereafter, we would strive to equip ourselves with the knowledge we are responsible for imparting on them. Even if we send them to Islamic schools and what nots, it is still our responsibility to seek knowledge, if not as parents, then as Muslims. The teachers at schools can only do so much. it's the environment at home, the parents who are actually at the helm of the ship that carries the future generation. it's the parents who are the one responsible in navigating that very ship on the right path and make sure they don't lose their children to the sharks. However, it must also be kept in mind that children are a test.

Surah at-Taghaboon (64/15) 15. Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas Allâh! With Him is a great reward (Paradise).

We shouldn't beat ourselves up over how much we can do for our children. It can very well be the case that we do almost everything right yet our children turn out to be otherwise, nauzubillah. Though it's true that parents shape their children's values, it is also the fact that Allah is the final determinant. Our prophet Nuh's son was one of the drowned disbelievers. Being a pious parent doesn't necessarily guarantee churning out pious children. Sometimes the children will undergo a period of rebellion and will later go back to their pure fitrah. We as parents, can only do our best and by that I mean REALLY asessing what we should do. And it's also the case for the opposite: impious parents doesn't necessarily mean impious children. I have known a lot of good Muslims coming from impious backgrounds, and converts are sound proofs for that too.

Guidance only come from Allah and that is what we should always be asking for.

Ya muqallibal quloob, thabbit qalbee 'alaa deenik.