Siblings Without Rivalry

I should have done this when the kids were smaller; read while nursing. I found it hard to do before, but this time around, I decided to try it, and it's not as hard as I thought it was. I finished this book in several sittings yesterday. So before I return it to the library, I thought I'd jot down some notes for my own record.

One thing I'm growing to love about Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish's books is the style of writing, and the illustrations provided. My constant complaint about most parenting books or literature is lack of specific dialogue examples, so this inclusion of true-to-life dialogues is a lot of help. So here goes:

When siblings complain about each other:

Acknowledge those feelings instead of dismissing them.

"H is so annoying!" is one of the common complaints I would hear out of S.

The easy and quick way to answer this, especially if you're a mother in a hurry is,

"Just ignore him."

Or to a complaint

"H is not helping!"

"Tell him to help."

Often times I tend to give quick answers because I'm always too exhausted to rectify the situation other than telling the other sibling to stop doing what s/he's doing or start doing what s/he's not doing.

Problem: I, as a parent intervene and they would drag me in their disputes everytime from then on.

Solution: Put the feelings into words.

To "H is annoying!" I should answer,
"You don't like it when he talks and talks especially when you're trying to read."

To "H is not helping!" I should answer,
"You feel like you're doing an unfair share of the work because you feel H is not helping out as much."

If I'm lucky, I'll get more conversation as a response to my replies, and this can give insight to any underlying emotional discords between them that I'm not aware of.

As an adult, I am too familiar with the feeling of being dismissed when I express my feelings to a friend. It in fact makes me feel more defensive and angry, and creates a further turmoil of emotions. However, when your feelings are reflected back to you, and acknowledged, you feel a sense of relief at being understood. Sometimes, a complaint is not meant to fish for a solution, but is just a need for a pair of ears. In some cases, a child might even come up with his/her own solution at the end of that conversation. All you, as a parent have to do, is listen and not criticize or find faults. Sometimes, when you answer with a defense for the other sibling, it might even create more ill feelings in the complaining sibling and might make problems between them worse.

If only...

"I hate H!"

"Don't say that."

Give children in fantasy what they don't have in reality by expressing what the child might wish.

So to the complaint above,

"You wish sometimes H would go away."

As much as the word 'hate' can rile and disturb a parent, it is important to acknowledge the feeling, and as Muslims train them to watch what they say (but this would come with age).

"N finished the last cookie!"

"You wish she'd ask you first before she ate it," would be the appropriate response, rather than maybe,

"There'll be more next time, Inshaallah."


Draw it!

Help children channel their hostile feelings into symbolic or creative outlets by encouraging creative expression.

I did try this technique with them once before, but in reverse.

I think it was S and H who were fighting. They were about to hit each other, or maybe they already did, I can barely remember, but I told both of them to write on paper 5 nice things about each other. Of course the immediate reaction on H's part was a refusal. I somehow coaxed him to and he managed to do it with a grudge. What I should have done was let them write how they feel.

Another way would be to have them pummel a pillow instead of each other. For younger children, it might help to have them draw or scribble how they feel especially since they cannot express their feelings verbally due to restrictions in language abilities.


Jump in...

Stop hurtful behavior. Show how angry feelings can be discharged safely. Refrain from attacking the attacker.

This is a helpful one, especially the last sentence above. Reprimanding the attacker would only exarcebate feelings of resentment in that particular sibling. What should be reprimanded is the behavior.

So let's say S hit H. I should say,

"No hitting. Tell H what you're so mad about."

"You're a liar!"

"Hmm, that's a serious accusation. Tell her how you feel and what you'd like her to do."

All in all, these techniques help children express their feelings in words, that would hopefully build some problem solving in relationships. I can already see that these skills would be very helpful in a marriage.