Taking a Break

Last Friday was not a very good day for me. I have been bogged down by this creeping feeling of unwillingness for months. Homeschooling is like a chore for me. I did't want to admit it, but I think I have lost the joy of being with them all the time. Where I used to enjoy and even look forward to spending time with them back when they were toddlers, I now sigh at the thought of having to sit with them and teach them every day . I kept it mainly to myself, and so far, this is my hardest struggle within myself.

I feel as if I don't have a choice. Islami school is too expensive. Public school is not even an option. So what else is left? Plus, I've seen the effect of homeschooling on my kids, and I have to say, when I least expect it, the effect is really magnified by other people's reactions to them. I can't help but be humbled by Allah's Grace and Power in such situations, because it truly feels like He is reminding me of the very reason of my chosen choice.

Many a times I question myself, does this benefit them at all? Are they getting anything out of this? Aren't they better off going to school and learning from others? But then I would see the bad influences from the public schools, however slight they are, and again I would be bogged down by the sole choice of homeschooling. Or, I would imagine myself sitting at home by myself while the kids sit in their classe in school, and I would feel such abhorrence for myself. Though I have to admit, it has been more than once that I wished they were at school and would just leave me to my own vices. Oh, the various things I could do while I am on my own sweet time. I can come up with an endless list that can bring a non disposable smile to my face.

I thought back to the time F and I went to Hawaii and left the kids here. For eight years we have never been separated from the kids and they from us. I thought it was about time it happened, and I thought I'd be happy with the break. I was, but I also realized, more so from last night, that the kids are very much a part of our lives that no matter how many miles separated us, their laughter, screams, chatter would always remain in our minds and hearts. Everytime we went somewhere in Oahu, I thought of how N would love this and how H would simply adore that and how S would really aprreciate that. It wasn't dampening to our 'belated honeymoon' but it was something to ponder on.

Last night, the kids went to a sleepover with a newly-arrived Malaysian family. F and I had the house all ot ourselves. We went out last night by ourselves. That was a real treat because all this time, we have always had to think of bringing the kids, and then leaving one of us home because it was too much of a hassle to bring them all. I have to honestly say that I truly enjoyed myself last night, but I missed them too, even if it was at the back of my mind.

This morning, we took the children back. I felt calmer. Maybe that was a much needed break that was long overdue for me. This is the hardest part of living overseas with no families nearby. You DO need a village to raise a child. I'm not a superwoman. Never will be and never ever want to be one.