"They said that you should apply for grad school if we want to continue to stay here."
I had considered grad school before, maybe once, maybe twice, but the thought of going to school with kids at home brought me back to my undergrad days, where I spent two years of undergraduate life with two pregnancies and two daughters.
The experience might not be the same as a working mother, but I would say it's a totally different experience altogether. And before anyone says there are Ph.D mothers who do the same thing, let's remember that the requirements for an undergraduate studies are very different from that of graduate programs (where family is somewhat expected and considered).
S wasn't fully breastfed because my pumping experience was horrendous. N alhamdulillah was fully breastfed since our loads were somewhat lighter towards our senior years, but her delivery was right in the midst of midterms and group projects. Not fun.
Thinking back, I somewhat feel bad for not being there 100% with S and N, especially S, whom we dropped from one babysitter to the next, and whom we swaddled really tightly so she would sleep and I could study and complete my programming assignments.
Only H received my full mothering. The thought of leaving them again rather rattled me, in a way. I can't leave Baby Z, even though he's pretty big now. No. Not with his allergies, and those wonderful early years...I can't miss that!
"What about the kids?"
"We can send them to Sunrise, if it's here."
I'm stubborn. I still want to homeschool them. But how can I, if I go to school? I can barely handle it now.
I started looking into graduate programs, and I made istikharah.
I can't. I just can't.
So here I am, doing job searches for hubby, until my eyes are glazed over. We have roughly 6 more months till we have to leave if he doesn't get anything.
Rabbana aatina fi dunya hasanah wa fil aakhirati hasanah wa qina 'adhzaab annaar. Ameen.
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8 comments:
May Allah helps you. but then again, kalau tak dapat, also Allah's plan. and his plan is for the better....
ameen. tula...sampai tak tau nak doa apa sbb dok pkkan yg kalau tak dpt mestila ada baiknye but in my frame of mind skang ni, i can't see it though I believe it, so tu yg doa in general utk kebaikan dunia akhirah...hmm
nadia
ha, yang penting usaha dulu kan. i pun macam kena balik singapore semula nih. after dah settle down kat malaysia ni. dah nak get used to the life and the systems.*big sigh*
i miss singapore but i hate some part of it. so dag dug dag dug jugak ni.... I pray if it is good for me and the kids, make it easy to stay here. otherwise, show me the way, make it smooth for me.
huhu. good luck to you.
Nadia,
In a way we are on the same boat.Masa I first datang uk memang ingat nak balik after hubby finish study. Tapi Allah dah letakkan masa tu untuk stay. In UK you have to have 10 years without putus visa untuk mix visa such as student and kerja. Since we been here we had renew our visa 4 times.
One time bila nak renew visa, because we also don't know if we can renew it as it's not in our hand walaupun kita ada paperwork yang cukup, tapi kalau Allah dah nak tentu..macam tulah. At that time kita orang buat plan A and B just in case. So, we send all my children back home. Seif my little one just 3 months old. I came back dgn hubby, I work full time while we renew our visa and get the kids back after 4 months leave them in Malaysia. That's my first experience leaving them and at such a long time. Dan masa renew visa tu, lepas pos baru tahu yg hubby punya pasport dah expired. TApi alhamdulillah, it came back with visa stamp. Walaupun theoretically that shouldn't happen!
Sebenarnya banyak benda2 macam ni yg we experience kat sini. My sister datang sini nak bantu I jaga anak sebab I need to work for our cost of leaving to get hubby to finish study. Selalunya masuk dapat visitor visa 6 bulan. Dia dapat setahun. Bila dia dtg second time, dapat 6 bulan lepas tu kita orang try renew as dependent . We know that she only my hubby sister in law. So, it actually nowhere in the rules yang dia orang boleh bagi visa. After send pasport, we both went for hajj. Of course I did my dua if it good and Allah will make it happen. After came back from hajj seminggu dapat pasport my sister with visa stamp for 3 years. Org semua dok tanya macamana buat..From man made law I tak boleh answer. Tu semua memang the power of Allah 100%.
We both always dua, kalau baik kat sini so ALlah will keep us here.
Lagi satu, baru2 ni if you notice from my story walaupun I didn't explain fully yet, my husband kerja and get work permit for 5 years. Which we only need another a year before we can apply for PR. Lepas kerja setahun, employer buat perangai. Sebelum tu memang dah nampak sebab 5 people from hubby department kena tendang. Sebab nak kurangkan belanja because economy la ni yang dah teruk. Masa dapat work permit we think that it's ok now. Still Allah nak test. Yet we know that everything in ALlah hand.
Bila nampak2 nak jadi hal, my hubby dah prepare cari kerja lain. Of course at the end it's up to weather dapat work permit lain atau tak. Belum apa2 hal, hubby dah dapat offer kerja lain. We just quiet and wait until work permit approve baru nak resign. Of course at time like that you have to keep you niyyat and intention straight even every single second.
Suddenly my hubby org ke 6 yg kena tendang tapi we been given offer a compansation 4 months wages. Memang hubby nak resign bila dah confirm another work permit, tapi cuma masih tunggu. Kalau hubby resign tak adalah apa2 compansation. So, tu lah rezeki namanya di suruh berhenti yg memang dah bercadang nak behenti dan di bayar pulak lagi. Tu yg my hubby dok kat rumah for about 6 weeks.
I do worry a little bit if you read from my post before. Sebab kalau ikutkan ada tempoh lepas stop kerja dgn employer kalau tak dapat settle work permit dgn another employer kena balik malaysia. I never mention this in my post before. Usually at that time I like to keep it to our self and see how ALlah gonna make decision. We talk to children about may be we need to go back. And if Allah had made that decision than we had to. One day, I told hubby to go and find any job at the moment just to ensure we got a bit extra just in case sebab dah dekat 6 minggu tak kerja. Rent and everything berjalan of course.
Lepas saja hubby call agency yg I pernah kerja telifon bunyi cakap hubby work permit dah settle dan boleh start kerja. SO, another 5 years. Although as I said we only need to drag for another a year. But, in that 6 weeks memang hubby spent lots of time went in Jamaat and iktikaf with Jamaat. We always believe that Allah will not left us like that as we try our best to help his deen. As we spent out time that he given us and of course he had given us some money that we never thought we gonna get, so Allah give money and time and hubby got to spend his time that why he went to ijtimak di europe dua kali. ALhamdulillah. something he ne ver done for quiet long time. Memang lega rasanya sebab Allah bagi sikit masa dan duit dapat guna untuk agama. Walaupun kita orang boleh pi holiday, but we decide not to.
We do plan, we make dua, and we leave everything for Allah to decide. It is pain full while waiting for Allah decision.
Anyway, nadia, nothing will challenge Allah power. For us, our plan and what we do towards what we plan only 5%. We do ikhtiar tapi tak lah sampai mati2an. We leave 90% to Allah and this mean really rely on him. He will never let us down at the moment.
I remember bila nak pergi makkah. I just got promoted, dapat naik gaji lepas 3 bulan nak pi makkah. My manager tak boleh nak bagi cuti. I cakap you tak nak bagi cuti, ok. I resign. Walaupun we need money as I work for paying bils. So, I resign. Nobody understand. For me nobody will get my way towards deen. I don't care if I got more money at that time. Lepas balik dari makkah 2 minggu I got another job with more money, easy job. Tapi sebab easy sangat I couldn't bear. So, lepas sebulan I went back to ask a job at my old place. I been told I had to start again means my wages will be lower than when I left. I said, Ok. After 3 months I been promoted with position higher than when I left before I went to makkah with more money than that of course.
That's how our life now and again. Insya ALlah Allah will not let us down. I used to talk and tell my children about what ever happen. Than they will make a dua as well. And it teach them to tawakkal and take any decision Allah had made for us with redha. Insya ALlah..
My dua usually is not staying in Uk or went back to malaysia because I don't know what future lay for us. But, hubby and me always dua that ALlah will accept our dua if it the best for us. Insya Allah you will get the best from Him. Don't worry too much..as worry too much will distract our yakin. If we put 100% yakin to Allah, than we won't feel any worry as we know that Allah will give the best for us.
Sorry for the long comment..Just to share. It's plenty more..That just part of our experience.
What's a myriad?
finie, jazakillah khair for sharing...i really appreciate it :)
nnn...let's look it up in the dictionary, okay?
Butcha said ya know what it means.
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