Blessed

I feel blessed. I feel loved. This time on my back, on my knees, over the toilet bowl, staring at the ceiling in the dark while trying to quell the rising digested food up my throat has left me with more than enough time to ponder on what I have before me.

It has been ten years since I stepped into the world of the twenties. My eldest is almost 10 years old. My mother is constantly reminding me that I'm still young and energetic even though I feel worn and tatttered. Maybe that's why she keeps reminding me.

I still cannot believe my eyes when I look at the three growing beings in my house, squabbling, chatting, laughing, screaming and sleeping. I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone who has been transformed, in so many ways. I have had many personal issues with myself, and I have come to realize that Allah has bestowed on me a number of tests that have indirectly or maybe directly forced me to deal with those issues.

As I browsed through hubby's blog, I came across a post where he had listed all of our birthdates according to the Islamic calendar. I didn't even remember that I was born in Ramadan even though my mother did tell me once. I immediately thought of the blessings of that month, and I wondered if my coming into the world was blessed as well. I could have turned out very different and I still could, but nauzubillah.

Having children at a young age, I was forced to change my lifestyle, and it was a very harried life experience, though if given the choice, I would have done it all over again with some minor changes. I was forced to 'grow up' and find my inner strength within, which I never knew existed. It is true that when Allah tests you, it is within your capacity to handle it, because Allah will never burden a soul beyond what it can bear. Those tests bring out the strength in you, strength you never know you had. Subhanallah.

I have to say I missed the typical 'youth' especially here in the US, but I gained a different life experience which I now realize play a lot into my decisions and outlook. For about 7-8 years I battled with my identity, stuck in that "what do I want to be when I grow up' journey. I finally found myself alhamdulillah. I have matured but I have to say I had a delayed growth.

I have entered a new stage in my life as my children matures. They define my life ever since they were born. Not to say I don't have my own identity, but a mother I will always be. I can be soemthing else, but I will never cease being a mother. The more reason to pitch most of my energy into it as it is my investment for the hereafter.

I realize that as we move on to a new stage in our lives especially as we move into a new circle of people, I will be facing new challenges. I'm not that eager to move on, but I don't want to be complacent either. I do want to move on, but on the right track.

I feel blessed and I feel loved. Alhamdulillah. I don't know if I have earned Allah's blessings but Allah is so full or mercy that when we don't deserve it we get it anyway. I need to make a will. Both hubby and I need to make our wills. This earth should be our prison, not our paradise. Life is a toil, humans were created in toil. I can't wait to go 'home', but I don't know if I've prepared enough. I don't think I have and it scares me to death (no pun intended).

May Allah always keep us focused on what's truly important in our lives (plural for double meaning). Ameen.

I'm so afraid of being beguiled by the temptations of this world. It's not easy.

May Allah give us friends who will always remind and guide us to the right path. Ameen.

I love all my sisters and brothers for the sake of Allah, some more than others, depending on what truly matters to Allah.

May Allah purify our hearts and keep us from bickering about petty things.

May Allah give us sincerity and sisterly love to sustain the ummah and bring it to new heights.

May Allah forgive our sins and help our suffering brethens everywhere.

May we all meet in Jannah.

"When you worship Allah, you have to have this three things: hope, love and fear. When you do something, you fear Allah's punishment, but we also hope for His forgiveness and reward. But you don't do something just because you fear Allah, you do it because you want to please Allah because you love Him. These are the three pillars of Ibadah. You have to have all of them, not just one or two. There are people who just hope, and they keep on doing bad things while hoping Allah to forgive them and grant them Jannah. There are people who just fear and they end up saying no to everything. There are people who just love and they say it's all about love. So it's all three together that we need to worship Allah," I explained to H and N, an impromptu tauheed lesson, yesterday.

They nodded.

May we always be showered with His guidance. Ameen.