Sheikh

History of the Khulafa in Chicago for two weekends in August. Three vehicles: one van and two cars. The van was occupied by the sisters. I enjoyed these trips with my fellow sisters albeit also filled with worries for my children whom I left behind.

"Did you guys hear about Muhammad Alshareef's mom's dua when she was pregnant with him?"

"She made dua that the baby be a sheikh."

"Masyaallah! I wanna be pregnant! I wanna be pregnant!" exclaimed moi.

We were travelling. That was the first weekend. The second weekend, I began to notice some symptoms along with the fact that what I waited for wasn't coming. I began to wonder if ...

We returned home on Sunday. I spotted the next day.

"Nah, I'm not pregnant," I told hubby.

He expressed a dejected sigh (pretend of real I don't know).

I stopped praying. The bleeding also stopped. I grew confused. I started praying again. I made up my missed Maghrib prayer. Henceafter I was convinced I was pregnant, but worry tugged me like a persistent child.

I had misgivings about it just because of two previous unsuccesful pregnancies. I thought for sure it was a miscarriage. I waited for it to come.

However, two sisters advised me to see the doctor. I honestly didn't see the point (if the miscarriage was coming anyway), but I decided to heed their advice.

Never was I so pleasantly surprised than at that time when doc showed me the beating heart that I actually asked her,

"It's alive?"

Threatened miscarriage : another term to add to my experiences alongside blighted ovum and stillbirth.

I didn't bother telling people or at least making an announcement that I am pregnant because I didn't want to have to inform them again that it didn't work out, for I had done that twice.

Kids were pleasantly surprised when we came home with the ultrasound pictures. They were half angry at me (well, N was) because I had been asking them about the prospect of having a baby. These kids had also probably given up on me being pregnant again because they always said,

"No, the baby might be dead like J."

Hubby explored names for if it turns out to be a girl. None of the names really appealed to me, not right now anyway, but as I scrolled down his blog, I thought,

"I want a name that truly reflects what this baby is about. We had tranquility and then we had light and then we had the lion. This should be 'good news'."

I already know what that name has to be if it's a girl.

"One more week and I will be a mother of five, regardless, insyaallah," I said out loud while hubby did the dishes.

120 days, the ruh will be blown (majority opinion of the ulama') into the fetus and no matter what happens after that (dead or alive) I will be a mother of 5 insyaallah.

If the baby's a boy, hubby already has some names (one with a particularly disturbing spelling). I really hope he will come to his senses and not spell the name the way he does now.

I really meant what I said on the trip. I really wanted to be pregnant, and now I am. Subhanallah.

I thought I was crazy for beingpregnant now what with homeschooling and everything, but my mind has changed. I am now certain that I will be able to handle it insyaallah, for Allah never burdens a soul beyond what it can bear. Maybe when I was pregnant with J, I wasn't ready. Maybe I'm ready now? Maybe my children are ready now? We'll see...

Oh Allah, please make this baby one of the righteous. Ameen.