Better Muslims

I've come across some people who seriously don't desire children. The reason they give is that, they might raise very bad children were they to have some. Even from the reasoning, you can see some emotional scarring in them either as children growing up or from their observations of dysfunctional families. Some people don't want to get married because they don't want to end up getting divorced.

After having three children, I have come to feel the same way about having more children. I keep telling myself, if I don't become a better Muslim, I'm not prepared to have another baby. What good would I do as a mother to have yet another addition to the ummah if I stay as I am or even worse, slide down the ladder to a lower rung.

To top it off, it's a joint effort, not one carried alone by only the mother. The father also has to ascend up the ladder and even more so than the mother. At least that's the way I prefer though I realize that in some cases, that may not be the case and it still turned out fine. I'm definitely a follower, not a born leader. I prefer to follow, not to lead, yet at times I still find myself leading when I don't feel like I should.

I have changed so much from the time I left Malaysia to pursue my undergraduate at Iowa State. My old friends had had to absorb the new me, and along the way, I have felt out of touch with some old memories. Life takes a very fast pace such that when you're living it, you don't realize the that you're going over the speed limit, but when you have time to sit back and look back, even a little bit, you realize the milestones you have been able to overcome. The hurdles that stood along your way. The uphill trek you had to endure, and you realize that you have grown into a new person. Life does that to you.

Some people say, "I'm not ready to have children." I waver at that statement, because in truth, I don't think you'll ever be ready to have children for they come to you like a fast ball regardless of extensive preparations. Some people are lucky to get an amiable child who submits to every command. Some are tested with strong personalities and others are bestowed with the unexpected. No matter how much you prepare yourself with parenting classes and what nots, you will never be completely ready to have a child, because Allah has said that wealth and children are tests.

I had prepared myself for the death of my fourth child in my womb. Somehow I had the instincts to guess that something was wrong. Yet, I couldn't do anything. Convincing people about it didn't seem to do much good either, so I let myself believe that everything was going to be okay, but I think I knew deep inside that something did go wrong, and that I should prepare myself for it. I did. I really did prepare myself for it, but no amount of preparation actually prepared me for the shock that followed. That's the essence of a test from Allah. It always takes you by surprise. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a test.

As you go through the years, the nature of the tests hurled at you changes in forms and strength, depending on how much you have grown. Mothers would tell their children,

"You're a big girl now. You have more responsibilities, even though you can probably stay up later than you could when you were smaller."

That usually makes them feel like they're better off being a small child after all. I remember the time I turned 17. I was so excited to turn 17 because at the time, I saw it as the epitome of being a young woman. I thought, oh so foolishly, that I would grow taller, but of course, my growth stopped as soon as I reached puberty. Looking back, I think to myself, how far I have gone from foolishness and extreme stubbornness to mediocre maturity and remaining stubbornness. I have yet to see wisdom and sufficient patience in myself, yet I desire so much the wisdom that people say come with age.

I would like to see myself ascending up the ladder as I attain more years in my life. It would be such a shame to remain at the same level of knowledge and iman as you add years to your life. Though iman fluctuates, I would like very much, O Allah, for my graph to become higher each year and never dip below my most recent lowest point. In accordance, it would be just marvelous if this would apply to my whole family.

What is the purpose of life but to worship Allah? What is out objective but to attain the highest status we can attain with regards to the akhirah? I seriously do not want to slide down the ladder, and at this point in my life, I pray that I'm at least advancing if not sliding down.

Maybe also, children, marriage and wealth themselves are means to which we can attain this goal we seek. Surely Allah gives us many avenues through which we can pile up deeds in our records. While I was in the shower today, I was suddenly struck by the fact that the doctor never even mentioned my due date. A sick feeling reverberated through me, and no amount of water trickling down my body would ever wash that feeling. I recognize that feeling well.

In any case, I would prefer to be a better muslim, mukmin before having another baby, but if a baby would help me get there, then khair insyaallah. Not only me, but the father would also have to make that climb with me because I don't want to be there alone. This will be my/our struggle in life and I have to say, it's the greatest struggle one can think of.