Empty

"Kids, we're not having a baby," I said.

"Not this year," added my husband.

Different reactions arose from all three. I had just broken the news to H, and now, another news is upon all of us.

He's happy though, because he claims that a baby will only bite his stuff and drool all over them. N's angry because I 'lied'. S's sad because she really wanted a baby sister/brother.

Me? I went to the appointment by myself, despite hubby insisting on coming along. I knew we couldn't find any babysitter for the kids, so I didn't even bother looking. I don't know why he insisted on coming. Maybe to give emotional support because he knew I was worried about the pregnancy. I insisted on going alone, just because it was going to be a vaginal ultrasound. I ddin't want to bring the kids. Plus, if it was going to be a replay, I didn't want to kids to experience it, again.

A blighted ovum. That's what it is. So I'm expected to miscarry now. If I don't within a month, I'll have to go for a D&C.

The moment I saw the screen, was the same moment Dr. G let out a hint of 'something's wrong'. I couldn't believe I was living through a replay. I guess when it's said that Allah will test you with the things you fear most, that's what it means.

"The sac is still the same size it was when you were at five weeks," she said.

The moment I drove out of the parking lot, grief overwhelmed me. The sky was cloudy and the windshield was drizzled in rain. As I stopped to turn the corner, tears clouded my sight and a superficially buried sorrow escaped me in racking sobs.

I let it all out, and I'm glad I was alone. I couldn't bear living through a complete replay, with the husband, and the kids.

The crying didn't last long though. By the time I reached the other light, I was done. There was no fetus to cry over, just hopes. Even then, my hopes were not that high, though the anticipation was something to cry over.

I feel sorry for S, who had gone through high anticipation twice in a row, only to have the excitement crushed in the end. H had even taken on the way of thinking that another baby would only end up in the grave, "like J."

I truly believe this is a mercy from Allah. To have it happen twice in a row is simply devastating and unbelievable, but others have gone through worse. I have nothing to complain about. I just don't.