Parenting 102

My ongoing problem and battle with the kids: keeping their room clean, and the whole house for that matter.

I reminisce the time when they were all under the age of 3. The house was CLEAN! Their toys fit one plastic tub. Now, oh boy, we had to throw some of their toys, and for some odd reason, the toys keep reproducing. Everytime I go into their room, I get so agitated, and I told them,

"You have to keep your room clean. You know, did you notice how I always get angry when your room is messy? It's because shaytaan like mess and that's why I get angry. My head is a mess too!"

It's my fault. I didn't really teach them to put their toys away once they are done playing with it. I only taught them to dump their toys in the toy tub every time before nap and bedtime. They didn't really grasp the concept of putting one toy away once they were done playing with it before taking out another toy.

So now, what do I do? I try this again and again, and again.

"Keep your room clean. You know how to do that? Once you're done with something, put it away right away so your room doesn't get messy in the first place. Trust me, you won't even have to clean up if you keep doing this."

But it happens again and again, and again. I think part of the reason is because they're all crammed into one room. There is an imbalance of workload between the three of them.

I am currently reading the book, Beyond Sibling Rivalry. I notice that S and H always fight. After reading the book, I think I know why for sure, even though I kind of guessed it before.

S feels that it is unfair that H is treated like a baby mostly by me. She feels it's unfair that she has to do a lot but N and H don't. It is true. I have depended on her a lot, especially in situations where I was in a hurry. I even realize that her name slips off my tongue so easily when I need help. Poor S. I have taught her to be independent ever since I realized N was in my tummy. So she resents that fact and takes it out on H. She doesn't take it out on N that much, I think, because N is quieter, but H is more verbal, and somewhat annoying to her.

So to fix this, I have to start watching what I do in terms of handing them workloads. I also notice S is very quick to point out any unfairness. Before, when she used to do this, I would reply with something curt, to get the job done. Now, I keep my mouth shut, and treat it as a reminder.

I also finished reading, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk, and I tried out some of their techniques.

Acknowledging feelings is one thing I have been doing more of. When the kids express their feelings, instead of negating them, or advising them, I would acknowledge those feelings. I had a nice talk with H and N when I did this, separately of course.

With N it was about hijab.

"You feel like you don't want to wear it sometimes, do you?"

"I feel like I don't want to wear it ever," she said.

I held my tongue and carefully phrased me next sentence.

"I know, me too. You know, sometimes I feel like I want to take it off and feel the wind in my hair. I never get to."

I could see her eyes lighting up and she began to pay more attention. I was nursing Baby Z at this time. I continued.

"But you know what?"

"What?"

"If I do take it off, I might feel cool now, but I will be hot forever. You know where?"

"In Naar," she replied.

"So I can take it off now if I want, but when I think about it, I think, 'hmmm, maybe not' because then I might be hot in Naar forever, just to be cool here for a while. So I just have to wear it."

"In the book Frog and Toad, they talk about willpower," she suddenly said.

"What's willpower?" I asked her.

"It's when you really want to do something but you can't do it, then you have lots of willpower."

"Oh, so do you have to lots of willpower to keep wearing your tudung*?"

"Yes."

After that conversation, she left the room, and later on, she asked me,

"Ummi can you tell S what we talked about?"

"You tell her," I said.

"No, you tell her."

"Maybe next time," I said.

One deep conversation was enough for one night for me. With S, I have other issues to iron out.

My conversation with H occured in the van in the masjid parking lot, while we were waiting for hubby to come. Somehow we got to talking about video games and basically the conversation went on the same route, except that the focus of the conversation was that you get more reward if you withhold yourself from doing something if you really want to do it rather than not doing something because you don't want to do it anyway.

"If I don't drink alcohol because I don't like it anyway, I get rewarded. But if I really want to drink it, but I stop myself, then I get even more reward," I said.

"So, if let's say you hang out with your friends and they ask you to watch TV or play video games a lot, and you say no when you really want to,..." I began.

"I get more reward," he chipped in.

"Yeah, I know it's hard, but in Jannah you can ask Allah for whatever you want," I said.

I was actually surprised that he understood immediately the concept of more reward for patience of withholding desires. H might be a little difficult to convince because sometimes he would resort to agreeing with what we say just to make the conversation flow. Or he would stubbornly disagree despite anything you say. So the trick with him is to engage him in the conversation.

With S, just last night, it was very hectic around maghrib time. I had a headache, Baby Z peed on the bed, we had to do emergency laundry. Tempers were running short on hubby's side. Mine too but I was too tired to get all worked up.

"Don't even mention ice cream tonight!" hubby hollered at the kids, because N had spilled sirap on the table. (Let's just say the kitchen was a big mess, it has been a very long and hot day, and the whole house was very messy too)

S blamed it on her siblings. She cried. I told her to quiet down in anger. After we prayed though, I told hubby to retract his words on S.

I called her to my room and said,

"You feel it's unfair that you always do a lot but N and H don't."

She didn't answer. She cried and nodded emphatically.

"I feel it's unfair too," I said.

"Go and eat your ice cream," I said.

With S, it's more of an emotional roller coaster. At least I hope, she won't be filled with so much resentment to her siblings so as to foster more ill feelings, inshaallah.

This is not easy for me. I wasn't raised this way, so it's a totally new experience for me. Biiznillah I can do it. Allah, give us patience and wisdom to parent our children. Now all I have to do is relay all this to hubby since he doesn't read.