Do It Right

"An American friend told me, if you want to teach your kids something, do it right," she said.

She was talking about training her children to fast. I took that bit if information home with me and mulled over it. If we dissect the above sentence, we can make a perfect analysis of hidden messages or connotations or mentality of a certain culture or human nature.

• 'An American friend' - denotes that the opinion of an American friend is highly valued whereas the opinion of a fellow Malaysian might not be so valuable or credible
• Also there is the hidden message that the fact that the person receives advice from an American friend (and from the way it was said, it seems that that American friend is not Muslim) says that the person is in 'enviable' company because the person does not just stick with the Malay community but mingles.
• Also, if the friend giving advice is not Muslim, this is conveying that 'Muslims don't know what they're doing nowadays, so I take advice from a non Muslim'.

I've always thought that there's something amiss with this attitude of

'Oh they're still kids, don't tell them everything. Don't tell them they they have to wear the hijab. Let them have fun first, and tell them when they have to start doing it.'

Some parents actually let their kids anything they want and then try to make them observe the ways of the deen when they hit puberty. Personally, I think it's bad move.

"You need to train your daughter to wear the hijab before she reaches puberty, because it will be hard for her to wear it all the time when she hits puberty. And she has to wear it all the time once she hits puberty," was another advice given to me by a sister who at the time had a 10 year old daughter. A sweet girl she is too.

"And if I die, I will be asked why I never taught my children the deen," the sister added.

I nodded, a clearer picture forming in my mind. That was about seven years ago. It had become quite a habit of mine to go 'interviewing' some parents about the way they raise their children, especially parents with older children. It's like a private survey, and I treasure these little bits of wisdom from these parents.

Yesterday's events brought me to another realization. I was chatting with the kids just this morning about how I don't actually like the environment of a gathering where the men and women mix freely. It disturbs me that they don't immediately recognize the 'evil' of the environment. I had to explain it to them. I quickly made a mental note to myself,

"Have to talk to hubby about attending anymore of those invitations that we attend out of courtesy."

In the Malaysian student community, it's unfortunate that there are mixing, and I don't like it one single bit. Whenever we're invited, we feel obligated to attend. Yesterday, my heart was really begging me not to go, to the extent that when we got there, I hesitated getting out of the van. Fortunately, I was nursing Baby Z, so there was an excuse. But, I couldn't sit in there forever. Then when we got inside, I was not in my usual 'banter and chat it up' mood, so I must have seemed quite 'aloof' (hindsight) to the host. I couldn't help it. I have told hubby that if we arrive there on time, it will just be a waste of time because we both know how the Malays are not on time. To add to the fact that I didn't really want to be there, that possibility of us wasting our time waiting for them was really distressing me. We were right. We arrived and no one was there yet, not even the food. We excused ourselves and went ahead to do our grocery shopping. We came back, ate, chatted a bit, and left. They came one hour later. Typical Malaysians. I'm sorry to say but this problem of untimeliness is not just the habit of Malaysians, but the practice of all Muslim cultures. Sad, huh?

So there I was, in silent shock while explaining to the kids the difference between a gathering where there are men and women but no mingling happens, and a gathering where there are men and women mingling freely. I really really hate the latter. May Allah keep my hatred for it permanent, for I would not like to start being desensitized to it such that I will think it 'normal'. When that happens, that's when we start to deteriorate as an Ummah.

"Do it right."

An excellent piece of advice from an 'American friend'.

On the same line of advice, I recall an observation of mine several years ago. I noticed that the Muslims from the so called Muslim countries try to hard to dress like the westerners that to a certain point, it becomes hard to tell if they're Muslim or not. On the other hand, the American Muslims try so hard to look Muslim that you would sometimes think that they come from the 'so called' Muslim countries.

"People think that I come to America, I would get worse," said a sister to me, telling how she came to don the hijab when she came to the United States, to her family's shock.

I understand that expectation and mentality. Most people outside of America probably thinks that once you get there and live there, you're going to turn out a bad Muslim. To a certain extent, from my experiences living here, it's actually easier to practice your deen properly as you are not blinded by the gray line between Islam and culture like back home.

*Considering that we are not supposed to divulge our wrong doings, I have refrained from mentioning anything of my past in this post. I apologize if this seems hypocritical as a result.