Before & After

I remember being very anxious and worried about how I was to keep on homeschooling after the baby arrived. I mulled and fretted over it. I asked some homeschooling mothers.

Before I got pregnant, our homeschooling schedule was pretty organized. When I was pregnant, it started to slide a little bit because I had some problems with the pregnancy. Once Baby Z arrived, we didn't have to worry about school because it was summer. Once school started, I decided to just dive in, and be flexible. I'm the kind of person who needs to have structure. When I don't have structure, I can go crazy. Over the years, I have managed to implement structure in my life, even with three young children tugging at my skirt everyday.

But now, it seems like we have no structure whatsoever and it's really driving me up the wall. I have tried not to stress myself out over the lack of structure, but there are too many pressures pressing in on me right now. Even then, I've cut down on some community volunteer work I used to do before and during pregnancy. I still have two remaining community projects I'm involved in.

Baby Z also seems to be a little different than the other three. I remember putting H down easily for his naps. Not so for Baby Z, which gives me a lot of problems as I also try to homeschool 3 children at the same time. We are rapidly outgrowing our apartment, and this poses some logistics problems that affect our homeschooling management. The kids seems to be distracted (most of the time) whenI'm not there to watch them do their work, but with Baby Z, I cannot afford to be there all the time.

We do the homeschooling in their room, while the only comfortable place to nurse Baby is is the couch downstairs. If I nurse Baby Z downstairs, they would play around (most of the time), or fight, and when I finally come up stairs to put the sleeping Baby Z on the bed, he would either wake up to the noise, or I would arrive at a messy room with playing children, with stripped patience. It's worse when we run out of food and I need to cook. Since Baby Z is allergic to a lot of stuff, I also have to make his food. There are so many days where I feel like I want to just throw in the towel for good.

Most of the time, even just trying to write about it exhausts me. I don't want to recall it. Maybe, maybe I have also buried the hard times when the kids were younger, such that I only remember some of it and consider those times as being 'memorable'. However, I do remember the exhaustion and weriness at the end of each day, so I guess I didn't manage to suppress all of the 'hard times'.

Sometimes, you see other homeschoolers having it all 'together', and it makes you feel so miserable. Other times you are able to console yourself and say to yourself that all this will pass, and that the kids are better of at home anyway. There are times when I would retreat to the bathroom and cry with the shower on. There are times when I feel like tearing all my hair out. There are times when I feel like heading out the door and leaving everyone. There are times when I wonder if I'm crazy for taking all this on despite the hardships.

And then, I tell myself,

"You can't let them go to public school. Even Islamic schools are suspect. Look at the kids. Look at how they are turning out. Look at the benefits."

Sigh...this is one of those days where I need those reminders. Ahh..maybe decluttering would help me feel better.